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1. Trump Goes After ‘Woke Donald Duck’ with Sylvester Stallone
BROKEN RECORD
The highly original dig was an attempt to prop up Trump’s mega donor Isaac Perlmutter.
POLITICS
2. Cruises Hit By Massive Increase in Stomach Sickness
UNFRIENDLY SEAS
The Centers for Disease Control said there have been 5 outbreaks on board this month alone–affecting almost 900 people.
U.S. NEWS
These Tasty Alcohol-Free THC Drinks Make Dry January Easier
BOOZE-FREE BUZZ
Kick off 2025 with these zero-proof THC seltzers from Happi.
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3. UnitedHealth CEO Touts Company’s Record Year After Colleague’s Assassination
STAYING POSITIVE
Andrew Witty has reportedly been telling fellow executives that the company is expected to hit financial records by the end of the year.
4. Wimbledon Finalist: I Won Olympic Medal With Cancer
WHAT A LEGEND
The tennis star played on despite undergoing treatment for breast cancer.
WORLD
This AI-Powered Smart Bike Is Engineered to Get You Fit Fast
RIDE ON
The Carol Bike uses AI personalization technology to give you maximum results in the shortest time possible.
5. CNN Star Who Reported Horror of 9/11 Live for 17 Hours Dies
ANCHORMAN
Aaron Brown was thrust on the air after the first plane crashed into the World Trade Center and stayed on screens for hours.
MEDIA
6. Ford’s X Account ‘Compromised’ By Pro-Palestine Posts
'NOT AUTHORIZED'
The auto manufacturer says it’s looking into the posts’ origins.
7. Jay-Z’s Lawyer Eyes Legal Loopholes to Get Rape Case Dismissed
WHATEVER IT TAKES
The rapper’s attorney Alex Spiro has pointed out several technicalities that might fit the bill.
8. Jennifer Lopez’s Ex-Boyfriend Accused of Running Cannabis Grow House
CAUGHT GREEN-HANDED
The singer’s former boyfriend, Casper Smart, was not taken into police custody however.
OBSESSED
9. ‘The Simpsons’ Showrunner Reveals Surprising Way Show Will End
ADIEU
Showrunner Matt Selman explained that he hopes the series’ finale will simply be a “really good story” about the family.
10. Basketball Team Narrowly Escapes Death After Near-Collision on LAX Runway
FLIGHT-MARE
The incident reportedly occurred during the holiday rush on Friday.
TRAVEL
11. Why Joaquin Phoenix Didn’t Reprise Johnny Cash Role in ‘A Complete Unknown’
BACK IN BLACK
Phoenix scored his first Best Actor Oscar nomination for playing Johnny Cash in 2005’s “Walk the Line.”
12. How Much Elon Is Paying to Be Close to Trump Revealed
SHACKING UP
Elon Musk is reportedly renting out one of Mar-A-Lago’s cottages near the site’s main house.
13. Senator’s Son Sentenced Over Killing Deputy in 100mph Car Chase
DRUG TRAGEDY
Republican senator Kevin Cramer’s son took meth and bath salts, stole his mom’s car and drove 70 miles before killing the officer.
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