Well, I returned home from staying with my mom.
I have to be completely honest with you here. And it might hurt. I felt this expectation from some people that I “should” go see my dad and make a connection with him. That somehow it was my responsibility to make a relationship happen with him.
I visited my dad four times. He is completely somewhere else in his mind, doing actions with his arms and hands. And there was no connection. Zero.
Then I realized while I was visiting him one day: there never has been a connection. Never an emotional one. I mean a good emotional connection. Like a bonding, affectionate one. I refuse to pretend there ever was one. I now also refuse to pretend I can form one.
There never was a warm, emotional connection. There never will be.
My responsibility is like the Nothing Special quote below… to accept what actually is. Let go of the fantasy and appreciate what actually is.
But I had to do the same thing with another relationship while I was there. I had to realize that there never was a warm emotional connection. I’d actually employed magical thinking to imagine there was one. To pretend there was one. When there never ever was.
Lisa pointed that out. I appreciate her so much for that.
But it put me to work. My own emotional work.
Like… why do I do that? Is it that I’m so desperate to be loved and feel loved that I imagine I am loved by people who don’t? Do I fantasize and pretend there is a love there in hopes that it will materialize in time? Especially from those who “should” love me?
I really do think that this thread that runs through my life has gotten me in trouble before. Like in the church. I always fantasized and pretended that such-and-such a spiritual leader loved me because he “should”. Instead, I let myself get spiritually abused. Until I realized, finally, what was really happening.
On the surface, this sounds sad. But really, again like the Zen quote below, letting go of the magical thinking and fantasies actually releases you from a terrible trap in order to actually enjoy what actually is.
I can finally say that that person doesn’t love me, so quit pretending they do and move on. Move on. Let it go. Release it. Be free. And move on!
Do you need to move on from a magical-thinking relationship?
Do you understand what I’m talking about?
