1.  ‘Yo, Semites!’: Trump Flubs Park’s Name During Ceremony

 ‘WASSUP’ 

The president sparked immediate mockery when he twice flubbed the name of the iconic Yosemite National Park.

2.  Trump Reveals COVID Delusion in Bizarre Fight With Reporter

  ‘LOWER THAN THE WORLD’ 

When presented with non-flattering statistics, Trump snaps at Axios’ Jonathan Swan: “You can’t do that.”

3.  I’ve Ditched My Clunky Hiking Boots for These Sleek Shoes

 TRAIL BLAZERS 

I’m never going back to clunky hiking boots. The Hoka One One Speedgoat 4’s are the perfect combination of boots and shoes.

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4.  DHS Accused Teen of Training Terrorists in Joke TikTok Video

 SERIOUSLY? 

The agency claimed that the teen was training terrorists in an alert spread among Maine police departments.

5.  TX ‘Entrepreneur’ Spent PPP Loans on Strip Clubs, Cars: Feds

 NOT SO SLY 

His arrest comes just days after a Florida man was charged with doing the same thing.

6.  Sports Are Back. Show Your Support With a Team Face Mask.

 SHOW SOME SUPPORT 

Just like wearing T-shirts and hats during the regular season, support your favorite team with a face mask.

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7.  MSU Gymnastics Coach Sentenced for Lying About Nassar Abuse

 BEHIND BARS 

Kathie Klages insisted she did not know about Larry Nassar’s history of abuse while he practiced medicine at Michigan State University, despite witness testimony to the contrary.

8.  Hurricane Isaias Slams Into the Carolinas, Moving Up Coast

 TAKE COVER 

The Category 1 hurricane hit land near Ocean Isle Beach late Monday night.

9.  Nursing Homes Charged with Fraud Got $300M in COVID Relief

 ‘NO STRINGS ATTACHED’ 

The homes received millions in “no strings attached” relief funding.

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10.  Thai Protesters Dressed as Harry Potter Call for Reform

 ACCIO DEMOCRACY! 

In uncommonly candid public critiques of the government—punishable by 15 years in prison—the protesters are calling for reforms to the country’s monarchy.

11.  WHO, Chinese Scientists Convened to Discuss COVID-19 Origin

  INVESTIGATION 

The World Health Organization is compiling a team to investigate the origins of the novel coronavirus.

12.  Sailors Stranded on Tiny Island Saved by ‘SOS’ Sign in Sand

 GOODBYE, WILSON 

The men had been missing for three days after their boat ran out of fuel and veered off course.

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13.  Five Get COVID After Attending Sheriffs Meeting With FL Guv

 NO SYMPTOMS 

Gov. Ron DeSantis implied Monday that he had recently tested negative.

14.  Census to End Count Early, Obey Trump’s Maybe-Illegal Order

 FINISHING UP 

The bureau “continues its work on meeting the requirements” of president’s possibly unconstitutional demand to omit undocumented migrants from the official count.

15.  28 Rutgers Players Test Positive for COVID-19 After Party

 OH NO 

The number of football players diagnosed with the virus has jumped from 15 to 28 since July 29.

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