| After I left the ministry and the church in 2010, I brooded for a couple of years. Then a creative impulse motivated me to start drawing a woman, naked, alone, and vulnerable in the wilderness, courageously breaking away from all that oppressed and imprisoned her, liberating herself finally to be her own authentic self. She’s finding herself and liberating herself. I ended up drawing 62 images. It wasn’t until I was about 10 in that I realized I was drawing my own spiritual journey. It was a shocking realization that lead me to tears of both self-awareness and a kind of joy. Her name came to me as Sophia… representing the Divine Feminine as well as my own inner wisdom. Finally, I could express myself! Then, last year, Timber appeared on the scene. She is not naked but fully clothed, matured, with shocking white hair, establishing herself in the world as herself. She already knows who she is, and now it’s a matter of standing in that and for that in spite of opposition. I’ve painted 9 so far. People ask, “Why a woman?! You’re a man!” At first this question surprised me. Why NOT a woman? But after thinking about it, I realized that even though my creative impulse “made” me draw a woman, it is all very intentional and purposeful. I realized that indeed Sophia and Timber HAD to be women. Here’s why. I think the Church is patriarchal and Christianity is a patriarchal religion. I grew up in this culture, including living in a very patriarchal home. I learned very early that I was to represent manhood and all it represents. (Please know I mean generally and traditionally. I know men and women can share the same traits. But generally and traditionally speaking there have been feminine traits and masculine ones. I’m talking in this vein right now.) The Church to me, and its leadership and therefore ethos, was all about control, power, money, accomplishment, ambition, assertions, influence, strength, vision, mastery, willpower, rationality, etc., … all those things that men were supposed to represent. For example, I remember so many meetings with other pastors and Church leaders and speakers… just how the room seemed filled with sweat and testosterone and purpose and thrusting. I hated it. I hated it all. But what about my tenderness? What about my emotions, my compassion, my nurturing, my fertility, my caring, my protectiveness, my grace, my questions, my love, my tears, my creativity, my sensuality, my receptivity… all those things women are supposed to represent? In the Church, in my experience and observation, power is amplified and perceived weakness is silenced. Hard is praised. Soft is reviled. Pushing is best. Receiving is not. So the whole time I was in the Church, I felt like half of me was silenced. I was complicit because I wanted or needed to be accepted. But I grew sick of it. I hated it. I needed to break free so I could become a whole person. When I was a young man just beginning in the ministry, I took a course where I was introduced to Carl Jung and his idea of the anima… the female aspect of a man… and the animus… the male aspect of a woman. This concept gave me permission to have a feminine side, and I nurtured it. And she blossomed! I felt I had to silence her and keep her hidden because I knew I would be shamed if I revealed her. AND THAT is the problem I’m speaking about. It’s not just the so-called feminine qualities that are hidden and silence in the Church… but those who represent them… i.e. … women! This is why I am Sophia. This is why I am Timber. This is important to me, and so I thank you for listening. | 
