I’m reading Hackman’s Emotional Labor right now.
It all began when I came across a TikTok video of her responding to comments from women relating to her book.
One woman shared a story about her relationship with her husband. She noticed that he always walked ahead of her. On one hike, she wondered if she should say something.
Maybe. She couldn’t keep up.
But maybe not. He works so hard. He’s preoccupied with something else. He’s just not present. I can’t expect a man to be empathetic or sensitive to my feminine needs.
At that point, she had a flash of insight that she was doing all the emotional labor in the relationship. She tried to bring it up but he got all defensive and offended. So she ended the relationship.
You should’ve read the men’s responses. Pure outrage! Like the husband she broke up with, they were defensive and offended.
So I ordered the book.
This is fortuitous just after reading about the Tibetan Buddhist guru, Chogyam Trünpa Rinpoche… who I believe was abysmal as a husband, father, and leader of a community. But all of his outrageous behavior was excused because he was, after all, a guru… a male guru… from whom we shouldn’t expect normal mundane humane behavior. He was a powerful male spiritual leader!
All the people protecting him were bearing the brunt of the emotional labor.
So of course I’ve been looking inward. And back too. Lisa doesn’t put up with bullsh*t, and I’m a quick study. I did walk into our relationship decades ago assuming male privilege. But I didn’t know it. After years of education, I am learning and doing much better.
But this good book is exposing the fact that I still have more work to do.
That shouldn’t surprise me though, because I also know that systems such as the patriarchy… or male privilege, die-hard and have countless resurrections. It’s a constant battle to not slide back into my privilege and use it.
Yes, the book hurts, but it hurts good.
