| My therapist and I are winding down. I needed her for a time. But we both agree we've helped me become aware of what I was in a funk over. Becoming aware of it was the healing. It's like Gabor Maté says: You feel broken. But when you become self-aware and light is shone on the "problem", you realize you aren't really broken at all. That is the healing. I realized on the first meeting with my therapist that I was in a funk. That usually means something's going on at a deep level that's frustrating me... that, for some reason, I feel trapped. Then, it hit me. As NakedPastor grows and becomes more popular... just stating facts, not bragging... there is so much pressure to conform to a popular shape people have or desire of me or else suffer attacks and even cancellation. We went way back into my childhood where I remember very early desiring to just be me... authentically me... but fearing the punishment or rejection that would ensue if I did. So I learned the skill of hiding myself. At the same time I learned the skill of actually being authentically me and only showing it when I felt safe OR felt courageous enough to be vulnerable and expose myself to potential harm. Lately I've been feeling a bit scared and not being as "out there" as usual. Feeling very cautious. Not taking huge risks. And this is what really really gets to me, gets me down, and throws me into a funk. Because I can't stand those dueling movements within me: the desire to be authentic with the desire to not be hurt. Impossible! My therapist said... as I would have told anyone and actually have but we have blindspots when it comes to ourselves... that this is actually a good thing. I learned how to handle conflict. I learned how to take care of myself. I learned how to stay safe. I learned a valuable survival technique and coping mechanism. I've learned how to navigate the risks while still figuring out how to be authentic. BOOM! That's when it hit me that I've always thought of "being a chameleon" as a bad thing. But actually that ability the chameleon has is a survival technique. This is how they stay alive. The chameleon itself isn't changing. Just it's skin. It's still the chameleon but with different skin for safety's sake. Sure, it's one thing to change from being honest to being a crook or being gentle to being violent or being kind to being cruel. That's the bad chameleon. But changing how you present yourself depending on the situation is totally wise. Then I remembered Jesus' advice to not throw your pearls before swine or they'll trample them underfoot and maybe you too. Yep. Makes sense. Why waste my time and risk my safety on people who don't care about what I do and in fact oppose it? Why not instead give to people who are receptive? This is wise. I do feel I'm about to ramp up the risk-factor in my work. I need to come out even more authentically and honestly, and therefore my transparently and vulnerably. But I'm ready for it now. So... thanks therapist! And thank you, dear reader, for staying with me this long. You know... come to think of it... you might find this helpful going into the holiday season when you have to be around people who aren't safe for you. What do you think of this story? Do you get it? | 
