Weekend: “The Worst Sandwich” Is Back 😩

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the end of the Jeff Bezos-Lauren Sánchez wedding content cycle. On Friday, the Amazon founder and his Partner in Superyacht PDA Crime tied the knot in Venice — part of a three-day, multimillion-dollar extravaganza so lavish, it made the Met Gala look like a block party. Perhaps most surprising was the bride’s uncharacteristically modest Dolce & Gabbana wedding dress (problematic designers be damned, we guess), which she made a point of telling Vogue was the “the first formal dress she’s ever worn that is so covered up across the chest.” She paired it with Dolce earrings (her something borrowed) and her something blue: Naturally, a secret souvenir from her Blue Origin trip. The Billionaire Prom involved at least four main events, reported performances by Usher and DJ Cassidy, dozens of water taxis (give Khloé Kardashian the Quintessential Sister Award for this) and was apparently attended by 200 of the couple’s “closest” friends, like Oprah, most of the Kardashians (one of whom committed the “ultimate faux pas”), ​​Sydney Sweeney (sure???), an actual queen, and Sánchez’s Bride Tribe — minus Copilot in Space Controversy Katy Perry, who had a legit excuse for not attending (read: not because Orlando Bloom, according to TMZ, was planning to “hit the dance floor hard”).

The festivities were the cherry on top of what felt like a years-long diet of billionaire-nuptials chaos. That’s included: the world’s most over-the-top bridal wardrobe (like a dress so cinched, it definitely required Kim Kardashian’s waist trainer); a foam party that screamed “Fort Lauderdale spring break” (warning: you will cringe); “truly shocking” Microsoft ClipArt-esque invitations; a bachelorette party that was the opposite of low-key; protests that allegedly prompted a last-minute venue switch; and news outlets working overtime on every wedding-adjacent story imaginable (see: the very relatable what to buy billionaire newlyweds). Now, this is all incredibly on brand for a couple that treats every public appearance like a scene from their own reality show. A brief recap of their lore: The pair went public in 2019, when the Enquirer published an article about their extramarital affair and leaked texts in which Bezos famously called Sánchez his “alive girl” (still unclear, still unsettling). Since then, it’s been a master class in attention-economy tactics. Think: Sánchez’s obscenely large “I think I blacked out” engagement ring (Lauren, we do and don’t understand), romantic getaways filled with deeply unromantic pap walks, and the Peekaboo Lace Bra Seen Round the World (#neverforget). But now that the cake’s cut and the drone shots filed, we can finally, blissfully, log off.