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Trap #9: You value pleasure, instead of meaning
What does “being happy” mean to you? Is it joy, pleasure, feeling good? Or is it meaning, fulfillment, and purpose? Maybe a mixture of both?
How you define happiness is important. Research in positive psychology distinguishes between hedonic experiences, those that cause pleasure in the moment, even if fleeting, and eudaemonic happiness, which is a deeper sense of connectedness to our values and purpose. Here’s the problem: many of us focus too often on the hedonic aspects of happiness, putting pleasure over meaning in ways that are short-sighted and can leave us ultimately unfulfilled — and trick you into bad patterns. If we believe that choosing immediate pleasure or joy is always the right way to find happiness, then that can disconnect us from our deeper goals, priorities, and values. It will deny us the ability to discover our true sense of purpose — which is associated much more highly with long-term mental health and satisfaction — and make us shy away from fulfillment that involves difficulty.
Sure, pleasure is part of a healthy life — and moments of pleasure can sometimes be highlights in an otherwise dreary day. There is still plenty of room in a healthy mindset to splurge on a just-because purchase, or zone out with some silly YouTube videos every once in a while. But chronically focusing on pleasure instead of meaning can take us away from the more fulfilling overall path of seeking deeper levels of purpose — and contentment. Instead, focusing on happiness as it pertains to a sense of meaning and purpose can help get you closer to living the life that will bring greater and deeper fulfillment and overall well-being. After all, many aspects of our lives that are most meaningful are not joyous every second (our caregiving role with family, friends, or pets; the effort we put into a professional passion; community service work we do to make the world a better place.)
On any given day, it is easy to fall into the trap of seeking momentary, fleeting joy over asking yourself questions about your deeper path. It is tempting, especially in our high-stress, distracted world. But if you do that over the course of a lifetime, you will pay quite a price in terms of true happiness.
Think about your own personal definition of “happiness,” and also what connects you to meaning, and your sense of purpose. How well are these concepts aligned? List what activities in your life you associate most with these concepts. Of those activities, which ones feel most fulfilling, and which ones feel more fleeting and empty? And what if you don’t feel like you have a well-developed sense of purpose? That’s okay too. It is never too late to start thinking about it. Think about what you are most willing to put effort into. Whose faces do you see when you think about love and connectedness? What would you want your obituary to say someday? When do you feel like you are in “the zone” — doing something somewhat challenging but that resonates with you and fills up your heart? What do you think you give to the world?
Up next: How to actually deal with discomfort.
In the meantime, if you have questions or news about your progress in this challenge, I host a live weekly anonymous chat online on Tuesdays at 1 PM EST here. Feel free to drop in! You can also find me on Facebook. —Dr. Andrea Bonior
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