That quote above struck me hard when I read it. It feels accurate.
I know that, generally, Catholics have their Catholic guilt. But that’s different. You make a mistake, repent and receive forgiveness, and move on. But Protestants are taught that deep down we are sinful to the core and always will be.
That does take a devastating toll on one’s self-esteem. It did mine.
So much so that to this day, I have a hard time accepting that someone would love me as I am, and an even harder time accepting that they would even like me as I am.
A little story:
Earlier this week, Lisa and I drove to Halifax, a four-hour drive away, to meet friends, hang out, eat out, and enjoy a couple of days of mini-vacation.
One morning, we went to one of our favourite breakfast spots. Our server was very kind. When we were finished and getting ready to pay and leave, she shyly asked me if I was the NakedPastor. I said yes, and we had a lovely little encounter. She said she followed me for years, appreciated my work, and was so happy to meet me.
Afterwards, my friends said, “You’re famous!”. Those words didn’t seem to sink in. I still can’t believe someone would follow me, love my work, and be excited to meet me. It doesn’t seem possible or real.
Imposter syndrome?
But it’s not just about feeling like an impostor. It’s about feeling like I don’t deserve this, or that they don’t really know the real me, or if they did they would reject me, or that I dare not slip up, or that it has nothing to do with the quality of me or my work but some fragile, magical blessing that could be withdrawn at any time.
Know what I mean?
It’s like the people I met at my book signing. They were thrilled. Some couldn’t believe I lived locally and have followed me for years. I do fly under the radar here.
It made me start to really wonder if it could be because I’m still hiding, hiding from the risk of being exposed as the dirty, rotten sinner that I am… that I’m supposed to be, theologically.
I often wonder how much light I’m hiding from the world because of this nefarious theology that sticks to me like mud.
Obviously, the cure to all this is knowing that I am okay, just like you are!
