What happened? Those who grapple with suicide view it as freedom, but those left behind can be trapped in a loop, questioning what went wrong and what they could have done. That has been the hell friends and family of Grayson Murray have been grappling with since the golfer’s shocking death in May.

In exclusive interviews with Golf Digest, those who knew Grayson best speak for the first time since his passing. They didn’t whitewash the truth, detailing Grayson’s $400,000 gambling losses, his rehab stint with alcohol, his debilitating fight with anxiety and his final weeks before tragedy. But they also discuss the deeds that went unsaid, such as Grayson buying a family a car so they could visit their child battling cancer in the hospital, donating his clothes and equipment to those in need, and helping those in substance recovery. The picture that emerges is that the sport of golf had no idea who Grayson Murray really was.

Our special report on the misunderstood life of Grayson Murray.