Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
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Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, October 11 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! (`v) Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ___________________________________________________ 1 In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots And jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, Much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled, " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends." ____________________________________________________ 2 "If you want to watch the world passing you by, just try driving the speed limit." ___________________________________________________ 3 The ultimate response to a Dear John letter.. You gotta love a man like this, Humor in the face of defeat. A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break upwith him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back." ____________________________________________________ 4An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." ____________________________________________________ 5 A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested , "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously. Then said, " I am a lonely old lady without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chicken's, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens." ___________________________________________________ 6 She said: I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? ___________________________________________________ 7 Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said "you stay here until you learn how to behave yourself." Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The salesman went to the barn. Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn-no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left for barn. One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear). The woman said I can take care of myself and left for the barn. Two hours later the farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the door. When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled. The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you?. The woman replied "I give up on human nature, the first guy gave me forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks!" ___________________________________________________ 8 A very talented inventor devised an artificial pussy. You could not distinguish it from the real thing. Realizing what a money maker he haddevised, he approached a sea captain who was embarking on a six month cruise. He made an agreement with the captain to split the profits 50/50 and charge each sailor $2.00 to utilize it. Upon the end of the voyage the inventor was standing on the pier awaiting the ship. The ship tied up and the captain came down the gangway. The two embraced and the inventor asked: "How much did we make?" The captain reached in his pocket, drew out a dollar bill and handed it to the inventor. The inventor blew his stack. He screamed, "What the hell, one dollar, didn't they like it?" The captain responded: "Oh yeah, oh yeah, the first guy liked it so much he ate it!!" ====================================================
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