Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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 Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter.  Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter.  ____________________________________________________ 1 HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? At UCLA: One, to place an online order for maintenance to send an electrician. At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard. At GEORGIA : it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone an engineer at Georgia Tech for instructions. At FLORIDA : it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one. At ALABAMA : it takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator. At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion. At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five Semester hours. At KENTUCKY: it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season. At TENNESSEE: it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama. At MISSISSIPPI STATE : it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS". At AUBURN: it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty- nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished. At SOUTH CAROLINA : it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team. At ARKANSAS : None. There is no electricity in Arkansas ____________________________________________________ 2 Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed," many men still sleep with their wives. ____________________________________________________ 3 An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!" "Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," stammered the private. "Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?" "No, no nothing of those..." said the private. "Well then, what is it?" "I'd rather not tell you sir..." "Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now." "No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private. "Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?" "You see, she crossed her legs trying to keep me locked on....." ____________________________________________________ 4 The Mrs. was watching a cooking show the other day. I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook." She said, "You watch porn." Bitch. ____________________________________________________ 5 "Are you and Larry serious?" the one girl asked her friend while they were talking over cocktails. "We're still a little short of a meeting of the minds." she replied. "I want a big, old-fashioned June wedding, and he wants a quickie in the back seat." ____________________________________________________ 6 Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree, & replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.' ___________________________________________________ 7 A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm" (instead of organism). At the end of the student's essay, the teacher commented, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory." ___________________________________________________ >From Tom There once was a girl from Madras Who had a magnificent ass Not rounded and pink As you probably think It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass. ___________________________________________________ If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd every time, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side. --- Orson Scott Card ===================================================== 
 
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