Meghan Markle’s Cursed Jam Won’t Be in Shops for Months

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Guess what? Meghan’s jam won’t be ready for her show

One wonders whether Meghan Markle should have renamed her merchandise line If Ever rather than As Ever.

For a fresh disaster looms for Markle after it emerged this weekend that her new range of products won’t be ready for sale until several months after the launch of her Netflix show, With Love, Meghan.

The show drops in ten days, but the associated products seem to still be mired in development hell after Meghan was forced to humiliatingly abandon her much vaunted American Riviera Orchard brand without selling a single pot of jam.

In an Instagram video Meghan suggested she was changing the name to As Ever for creative reasons—in fact, a trademark dispute seems the more likely reason.

Page Six reported this weekend that the launch of any merchandise is considered to be months away. Cynics might argue that Netflix is waiting to see where public sentiment about the duchess is after the show has landed.

Who is Meghan, actually?

Meghan is certainly cranking her promotional machine into full gear, determined to take control of her public image with an all-new, earthy aesthetic, which, when you consider she launched American Riviera Orchard in a ballgown, marks a complete 360 degree turnaround.

Not everyone is convinced. Reality TV star Bethenny Frankel, who parlayed her fame into a $100 million cocktail empire, weighed in this week, remarking, “I think the reason she can’t win for losing is that there is a lack of identity and understanding as to exactly who she is to the audience.”

One TV insider quoted by Page Six agreed, saying: “Nobody knows who she really is.” Another TV insider suggested that the public image of Meghan has been “more a creation of external expectations than of her own making….With all the other projects, you only saw Meghan and Harry for like two seconds. But this is Meghan back to being Meghan … love her or hate her, people are fascinated by her.”

Meghan’s mood board

In this week’s episode of Meghan Markle Breathes and Social Media Has a Meltdown, the Duchess of Sussex dared to post a mood board on Instagram.

The mood board, a pastel-hued collage of affirmations, features handwritten gems like “Farm fresh eggs, carrots two ways, sweet treats,” signaling that her new series will explore a down-to-earth lifestyle centered on cooking, gardening and hosting. The saccharine images along with adorable artwork from her kids, was—depending on your personal stance on both the cosmos and Meghan Markle—either an inspiring collection of positivity or the single greatest threat to Western civilization since someone put pineapple on pizza.

One critical comment read: “Why does she think we care about this??” which raises the obvious counter-question: “If you don’t care, why are you foaming at the mouth about it?”

Meghan Markle could post a picture of a single slice of toast, and certain sections of the planet would find a way to turn it into a scandal. What does it mean? Is she insulting the memory of the queen? Is this proof she’s planning to start her own monarchy, one piece of sourdough at a time?

One thing is certain: the cycle will repeat. Meghan will post something normal, social media will implode, and the rest of us will be left wondering how much longer we can keep up with this exhausting charade.

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