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Looking forward to Nov. 6. Me. Looking forward.The Column: 10.29.24
I am looking forward to November 6 when at last we may be done with the “How in the world is this actually happening in America today” conversation and we will return to enjoying our lives, watching the weather, maybe reading a classic or two, maybe read aloud to a child, perhaps take a walk out of earshot of freeways, maybe astonish a distant relative by writing a letter longhand in ink offering your humorous take on life as you observe it, maybe deal with the boxes of junk in the back of your closet. We will leave the past decade to platoons of authors to dredge through sloughs of the irrelevant and ridiculous and our national leaders will turn their attention to the real world. In New York, traffic will resume moving on Fifth Avenue, which the Secret Service has pinched tight to protect Melania and Barron up in their tower, and someone will show mercy to poor Rudy in his cruel downfall and it will no longer be required of all Republicans that they reaffirm that up is down and it’s 1953 and Commies in the State Department are selling us down the river and we’ll go back to being the country God intended us to be, one with a sense of humor and gratitude for His generosity and a decent respect for the facts. This is English I’m writing, it’s not a mysterious code carrying secret instructions to election judges, it’s a gorgeous language rich with a wealth of synonyms for b.s., including twaddle, hogwash, babble, blather, bilgewater, humbug, balderdash, baloney, malarkey, piffle, tripe, drivel, dreck, rubbish, hooey, claptrap, crapola, and a crock, and if you go online and read a transcript of the guy woofing for two solid hours in front of his followers, you will see him clear as day. It’s a stream of darkness, no structure, nothing solid, no factual footing, and never before has a major party candidate offered such a negative vision of a failed nation, criminals coming from countries we’ve never heard of so you can’t walk across the street to get groceries, illegal migrants living in luxury hotels at government expense while our veterans are sleeping on the streets in front of those hotels, the country is going to hell, becoming a dumping ground for the world’s criminals. A dumping ground. Our country. A dumping ground. Except for Arnie Palmer’s penis, it’s a very dark picture, the government is run by low-IQ people, very stupid people, who have weaponized the Justice Department and the FBI against him, but in January he’s going to tell them, “You’re fired. Get out.” Otherwise the country is done for. Ruined. Cratered. Crippled. One reason for his appeal is repetition. The guy likes to say things three times in a row. He ended inflation, the numbers were the best numbers that ever were, there was no inflation, zero, and he made China pay. Other presidents didn’t get ten cents from China; he got hundreds of thousands of billions of dollars. Hundreds of thousands of billions. From China. Other presidents got zero. He got hundreds of thousands of billions. There is a rhythm to his weave, a definite rhythm that is not like any other politician’s. If the Times and the Post would just quote the guy word for word, he’d be down around 15% but no, they try to explain him. If everyone just read what he says, this never would’ve happened. No way. Zero. It’s baloney, babble, claptrap, crapola, blather, piffle, hooey. Never should’ve happened. November 6th, it stops. MAIA. Make America Intelligent Again. Celebrate the holidays with Garrison Keillor and A Prairie Home Companion. Make a merry Christmas even merrier with these festive shows!CLICK HERE to buy your tickets today!You’re on the free list for Garrison Keillor and Friends newsletter and Garrison Keillor’s Podcast. For the full experience, become a paying subscriber and receive The Back Room newsletter, which includes monologues, photos, archived articles, videos, and much more, including a discount at our store on the website. Questions: [email protected] |
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