Dear Friends,
My interview today is about an important topic. I'm speaking with Avery Neal, author of our course If He's So Great Why Do I Feel So Bad? If you aren't in a relationship, or if you are male, there is still a lot of good information here to think about and also share with someone you suspect or know may be in an abusive relationship. This interview is long but I felt that it was all important to share, so please bear with me.
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Madisyn Taylor: As you know, abuse takes many forms and isn't always physical. What are some of the subtler, but still damaging, ways we are abused in relationships?
Avery Neal: This is a great question because subtle abuse not only occurs within overtly abusive relationships, but it can also occur in less dramatic circumstances. This can make the abuse difficult to name, but some examples of subtle abuse are dismissing and belittling behavior (often presented as humor), continual criticism, asserting dominance by making it difficult for you to make decisions or punishing you when you do, gaslighting, smothering behavior that attempts to control or keep tabs on you, and attempting to isolate you by driving a wedge between you and your support system. These are are all abusive tactics.
If you'll notice, the above examples don't include name-calling or physical or sexual force, although those are certainly forms of abuse. So how do you know you're not being "too sensitive" when your partner makes fun of you or puts you down in front of friends? It's confusing, and we are often quick to make excuses or blame ourselves for our feelings of discomfort.
Subtle abuse is prevalent in all types of abusive situations, but since it is the most difficult component to identify, it's also the hardest to recover from, even after the relationship has ended. If we've endured this type of mistreatment in childhood, it wounds us to the core and plays a significant role in how we view ourselves. Psychological abuse can be direct or indirect as it degrades us by attacking our values and personality. This type of abuse is insidious and its damage is far-reaching, so it's critical that we understand what it is and recognize it when it happens.
Also, the word "subtle" doesn't mean that these tactics aren't that bad. It's these less obvious, subtle tactics that cause us to question ourselves, our reality, and our worth. As we become more worn down over time and isolated from our support system, we are left dependent on the abuser, which makes it less likely that we will leave.
MT: I've noticed that a lot of women seem to accept the abuse in their lives. Often the abuse comes on slowly, and as layers are added it turns into worse abuse. It seems like women feel that they won't find anybody else or their mental pain is somehow their fault. Why do women accept abuse in their lives and not just break up with their partner?
AN: This seems like an easy question, but it actually has a complex answer. There are a variety of reasons why a woman stays in an unhealthy dynamic. While each woman's particular reason to stay may vary, there are some common experiences that are often at play. First, abuse is gradual and cyclical. It isn't obvious at first, but it escalates over time. The more committed they are in a relationship -- through shared finances, blended family and friends, marriage, children, etc. -- the harder it is to break things off because they are increasingly invested in the relationship's outcome.
It is also important to understand the psychological process called traumatic bonding, which happens in all abusive relationships. Traumatic bonding is the strong emotional attachment between the abuser and the victim. It's what makes it harder for a victim to walk away from an abusive relationship than from a healthy one. When an abuser demonstrates intermittent kindness or compassion toward the abusee, they are flooded with a sense of gratitude and appreciation for this mercy. These positive feelings make them more attached to the abuser, and they interpret the lack of abuse during these periods as proof that the abuser is good and truly loves them. The abusive cycle then becomes associated with love, making it much more difficult for the abusee to leave.
An abuser will often make temporary changes when confronted with the possibility that the abusee will leave. However, these changes are rarely sustainable because of the personality structure that allows an abuser to mistreat others and avoid taking responsibility in the first place. In order for real change to occur, there must be true accountability (not just words), real remorse (which requires empathy, something that is typically lacking), and ongoing effort to change, which is a very difficult and lengthy process.
Since the abusee is invested in the relationship's outcome, they cling to the hope of the abuser truly "changing." This false hope then bleeds into denial, which provides temporary comfort because it spares the abusee the struggle and difficulty of ending the relationship. Some people feel sorry for their abuser or worry what will happen if they leave. An abuser capitalizes on this, making it that much harder to leave. The more time one spends in a relationship with an abuser, the more worn down they become.
Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy, and it takes considerable emotional strength to get out. The psychological abuse take a serious toll, and the victims of abuse are often considerably depleted by the time they arrive at the decision to end the relationship. Knowing that the break up will be an uphill battle, many feel it is too difficult. This is especially the case if the abuser has made threats pertaining to children, financial devastation, or ruining the abusee's reputation.
MT: Talk to me about codependency and how that fits into an abusive relationship.
AN: The first definition of codependency was when one person facilitated and enabled the bad behavior of another. In the case of an abusive relationship, the abusee enables the bad behavior by not standing up or leaving the relationship. That said, it is not their fault. As we have discussed, confronting someone who is abusive is not a simple matter. There is a guaranteed punishment for asserting yourself, severe enough to make you not want to do it again.
As the concept of codependency has become better understood, we now know that there are certain feelings and behaviors that the codependent person develops as a result of a helpless and oppressive situation. In an effort to avoid punishment by managing an abuser's reaction, the abusee allows the abuser's behavior to determine how they feel and behave. This is codependent. It's very difficult to live in a powerless situation day in and day out. In an attempt to deal with these feelings of helplessness, abusees develop certain coping skills in order to avoid the discomfort of feeling powerless.
MT: How can we really heal from the trauma of an abusive relationship, and how do we move forward with what we have learned?
AN: Trauma has to be addressed not just on an intellectual level, but on an emotional and physiological one as well. We can know something intellectually; we can study and learn from it (which is extremely important), but that doesn't mean that we have moved through it on a deeper emotional level. When we feel threatened, our bodies go into fight-or-flight mode in response to the perceived danger. Theoretically, the danger passes and our bodies return to our normal baseline level of calm. In the case of trauma, however, the body can remain in this heightened state of arousal, and even though it may be to a lesser degree, it still impacts our well-being. We are more sensitive to potential danger and are triggered more easily and more often. Abuse is cyclical, so even after the overtly abusive episode or "danger" has passed, there is the underlying fear and knowledge that it will happen again. Intuitively abusees know that they are not safe, physically or emotionally. They wait for the next shoe to drop. It is quite difficult to exist in this space, and anxiety is inevitable. Even after the relationship has ended or the danger has passed, the body braces for the next blow.
If unresolved, our bodies will hold onto trauma for an entire lifetime. Moving through the trauma is an intense and immersive process, and you get as much from it as you put into it. Learning how to self-soothe is a necessary skill to move past this heightened state of arousal, and if one doesn't have access to therapy, then this process must be accessible in another way.
MT: Your course has a lot of interactive material for students, and they can really examine their own situation through the eight lessons. Tell me about what the homework process looks like.
AN: It is important to me that people have access to materials that help them work through the pain and trauma that accompany unhealthy relationships. The relationship may be over, but that doesn't mean everything goes back to being fine. You change as a result of your experiences, and this change allows you the opportunity for deep, personal growth. The homework assignments are comprehensive so that students can move through the work at their own pace. My goal is that students become aware of the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship and what they should expect from a healthy relationship, but I also want them to know themselves, their tendencies, and their needs in a relationship. The more we know ourselves and our vulnerabilities, the better equipped we are to navigate our relationships successfully.
This work is intense as it goes straight to the heart of the matter. It's not always easy to confront pain from the past or the uncertainty of the future because these things are uncomfortable. Most of us would like to avoid them! However, avoiding these feelings and experiences only perpetuates the problem and denies us the opportunity to move forward authentically with the potential for healthy, real, loving relationships.
Homework assignments are very interactive and include identifying the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship and zeroing in on what you may have missed, which helps you to break the pattern. Students examine their relationship from an objective standpoint and evaluate important factors in their partnership, gaining more clarity in the process. We also cover the characteristics that make you more vulnerable to mistreatment so that you can better protect yourself moving forward. It is important to learn what a healthy relationship looks like. I also teach how to self-soothe so that you can move beyond that fight-or-flight mode, a vital skill that we can return to over and over in our lives. Students are also going to write their narrative about their past experiences and what they want moving forward in their lives. We cover a lot of ground! Even though some of these things are not always easy to confront and address, the process is worth it. You deserve to invest in yourself and your well-being. I promise you won't regret taking care of yourself in this way!
MT: I would love for you to offer some wise words of advise for any of my readers that may find themselves in a situation where they feel bad or unsafe.
AN: I would advise people to pay attention to their feelings. Those feelings are telling you something -- think of them as a sixth sense. Most of us have been conditioned to override our intuition for the sake of being nice, keeping the peace, wanting to accommodate another, avoiding conflict, or not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, etc. If left unchecked, these tendencies -- which enable us to ignore or dismiss our feelings and intuition -- come at a great cost. As stated earlier, in psychologically abusive relationships, there is often no tangible proof that something is wrong, particularly if there is no physical abuse. You may question your sanity or believe that you are being "too sensitive." Months or years later, you realize that your intuition was spot on and that you were feeling a particular way for a reason. Even if you can't quite put your finger on it, honor yourself and listen to what your feelings tell you. You do not need proof to get out of an unhealthy relationship. Your feelings are enough. That statement is so important that I am going to say it again! Your feelings are enough. It's okay if you are not ready to take any specific action, just do your best to observe your feelings without judgment or criticism.
Thank you, Avery. I know that for many of you this wasn't the easiest interview to read, but the topic is very important. Please take good care and I'll see you back in this space soon.
Until then, be well.
Madisyn Taylor
Cofounder, Editor-in-Chief
DailyOM
