In last week's YouTube video, I explained that even though I willingly left the church, I still miss the community and suffered the loss of many friends.
Many people responded… “Well, then they weren’t really your friends!” Or, “It wasn’t a real community!” Or, “It wasn’t a true church!”
I have a couple of responses to that.
First of all, I know they probably don’t mean it, but it is rather dismissive of our feelings. If someone says they miss something, it’s not helpful to say that they’re actually not missing anything.
It’s not helpful to say that they’re stupid to miss something that wasn’t real.
I know many people who are overboard, in my opinion, when it comes to Christmas. They all miss the innocence of their childhood when they believed in Santa and elves and flying reindeer.
It doesn’t help to say that it was all a fairytale and it doesn’t make sense to miss it.
Heck! I even miss the father I never had. Explain that one!
The friendship was real. The community was real. Not perfect. But real! That's why the betrayal is real.
That's why it hurts!
It is totally possible to miss something that wasn’t 100% good for us. I know, because I miss some things that weren’t totally healthy for me.
I think too many people are under the illusion that there is the perfect church, the perfect community, the perfect friend, and the perfect marriage.
But there is no perfect church, community, friend, or marriage.
They all fall on the spectrum somewhere between totally unhealthy and totally healthy. But they are never in one place on the spectrum at all times. There is constant sliding here and there.
Sometimes it’s great. Sometimes it’s not.
Lisa and I have been married going on 43 years. We have an awesome marriage. But wow it has taken a ton of work, experienced betrayals, hurts, disappointments, and even some short breakups.
No perfect marriage. But perfect moments! The trick is to make more moments!
So yes it’s totally possible to miss people who abused you, betrayed you, rejected you, and forgot about you. The same as it is possible to miss a church that wasn’t good for you, a community that let you down, and a marriage that was toxic.
When you’re feeling something, don’t let people dismiss it. And don’t dismiss it yourself!
Your feelings are trying to tell you something.
Like maybe they’re trying to tell you, “Yes, that community wasn’t the best thing. You found that out and you acted on it to take care of yourself. Good for you! Now you know what to look for and what to avoid. Keep looking! You just may find it!”
Right?
If you're wondering which video sparked this discussion, I've linked it for you below.
