Good Morning, Do! Today is Thurday, March 24 Today in March 24 in 2019, U.S. Attorney General William Barr released a four- page summary of Special Counsel Robert Mueller's report in U.S. President Donald Trump's election campaign. The report concluded that there was no collusion with Russia. ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Man arrested after stabbing woman 50 times in Glendale store parking lot ___________________________________________________ Writers should be read, but neither seen nor heard. --- Daphne du Maurier (1907 - 1989) "It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." --- Sam Levenson Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. --- Aesop "Advise and counsel him; if he does not listen, let adversity teach him." --- Ethiopian Proverb ___________________________________________________ Two cowboys were scouting near their fort and worrying that the Indians might be overrunning them. As they listened to the distant pounding war drums, one cowboy muttered to the other: "I don't like the sound of them drums." Just then, an apologetic voice came from behind a bush, "Our regular drummer slept in!" ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ A granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with Nancy, and she decided to teach her to sew. After she had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, the granddaughter stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief: "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?" ____________________________________________________ A Guy and his wife are riding two up on a bike along a twisty road with a 55MPH limit. A cop pulls them over. "Had you going about 70 in 55 back there," says the cop. "Not me," says the guy, "Could be your radar picked up someone else or something, but my speedometer was set right on 55." The wife pipes up, "You were to going 70. I've told you 20 miles back you were going to get stopped if you didn't slow down." "Quiet please!" mumbles the guy. "Can I see your proof of insurance?" asks the cop. "Sure, my card is right here in my wallet." The wife says, "That card's no good and you know it. You haven't paid the last premium and the company sent you a cancellation notice." "Damn," yells the guy. "Would you shut up for a minute?" "Ma'am," says the cop. "Does this guy always talk to you like this?" "Only when he's been drinking." She has been walking ever since. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pup for her birthday. An hour later, while wandering through the house, he found her looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen floor. her comment was: "My pup runneth over." ____________________________________________________ Ed Matuod Short-eared Owl at last light Southern AB - March 20, 2022 ___________________________________________________ Over dinner one evening, a wife says to her husband, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me. He used really bad language. He even threatened me!" "How did you meet this fellow?" her husband asked, very concerned. "Well," she says, "we met by accident. I ran into his wheelchair with the car." ____________________________________________________ The old perfesser was shopping the other day and wound up face to face with this drop dead gorgeous young lady. He couldn't help but just stare at her, so much so that his mouth dropped open and he was almost drooling. The lady caught him staring and suspected he wasn't just admiring her shopping bag. "So, old man," she said, "are you often troubled by indecent thoughts?" The old perfesser smiled and replied, "No, ma'am, not troubled at all. Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them." ____________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Joel Andrew Wier, 31, Glendale, Arizona, USA Man arrested after stabbing woman 50 times in Glendale store parking lot Wier was booked on one count of second-degree attempted murder, two counts of aggravated assault, one count of attempted aggravated assault with serious injury and one count of resisting arrest. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Kurt Re: WINE to fake Windows Dear Webby, Yes, it's mostly a matter of convenience and experience. I wanted to learn Linux (using Ubuntu). I also run several virtual Windows machines with VMWare (for those programs that require it). I'm amazed at how well a 5 (more?) year old laptop can run Linux and sometimes two Windows VM's at the same time and still yield reliability good response... Hope you have a great day! Kurt Dear Kurt I have used WINE in the 90's. It is a good incentive to learn Linux. For me, a better solution is to use a couple of Refurb W7 machines, plus ONE high performance Linux machine. The W7 Refurbs beat any W10 boat anchors, but for raw speed and reliability, you simply can't beat Linux. The reason I am not pushing Linux to the general subscriber population anymore is because the tech support is too time consuming. If they have a Penguin in walking distance, yeah, then go for it. Otherwise, stay with the Windoze, that you know. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________ Here is an oldie I print most years at the begin of the hot weather: A couple drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by. The helpful mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower: Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1." Second voice: "NO!!! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that pad!" There was a brief moment of silence. First voice again: "You idiot! You're my co-pilot!" ______________________________________________ Tim was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said. "Of course, Tim," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die, he said, "I want you to marry Lawrence." "But I thought you hated Lawrence," she said. With his last breath, Tim said, "I do!" ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a sweet looking, grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you , Wee Willie. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Beans Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you dipsticks asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes, and your files will be in the dumpster!" ___________________________________________________ | Today, March 24, in 1379, The Gelderse war ended. 1545, German Parliament opened in Worms. 1550, France and England signed the Peace of Boulogne. 1629, In Virginia, the first game law was passed in the American colonies. 1664, A charter to colonize Rhode Island was granted to Roger Williams in London. 1720, In Paris, banking houses closed due to financial crisis. 1765, Britain passed the Quartering Act that required the American colonies to house 10,000 British troops in public and private buildings. That did not go over well. 1792, Benjamin West became the first American artist to be selected president of the Royal Academy of London. 1828, The Philadelphia & Columbia Railway was authorized as the first state owned railway. 1832, Mormon Joseph Smith was beaten, tarred and feathered in Ohio. 1837, Canada gave blacks the right to vote 1848, A state of siege was proclaimed in Amsterdam. 1868, Metropolitan Life Insurance Company was formed. 1878, The British frigate Eurydice sank killing 300. 1880, The first "hail insurance company" was incorporated in Connecticut. It was known as Tobacco Growers Mutual Insurance Company. 1882, In Berlin, German scientist Robert Koch announced the discovery of the tuberculosis germ (bacillus). 1883, The first telephone call between New York and Chicago took place. 1900, Mayor Van Wyck of New York broke the ground for the New York subway tunnel that would link Manhattan and Brooklyn. 1900, In New Jersey, the Carnegie Steel Corporation was formed. 1904, Vice Adm. Tojo sank seven Russian ships as the Japanese strengthened their blockade of Port Arthur. 1905, In Crete, a group led by Eleutherios Venizelos claimed independence from Turkey. 1906, In Mexico, the Tehuantepec Istmian Railroad opened as a rival to the Panama Canal. 1906, The "Census of the British Empire" revealed that England ruled 1/5 of the world. 1911, In Denmark, penal code reform abolished corporal punishment. 1920, The first U.S. coast guard air station was established at Morehead City, NC. 1924, Greece became a republic. 1927, Chinese Communists seized Nanking and break with Chiang Kai-shek over the Nationalist goals. 1932, Belle Baker hosted a radio variety show from a moving train. It was the first radio broadcast from a train. 1934, U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt signed a bill granting future independence to the Philippines. 1938, The U.S. asked that all countries help refugees fleeing from the Nazis. 1944, In Rome, The Gestapo rounded up innocent Italians and shot them to death in response to a bomb attack that killed 32 German policemen. Over 300 civilians were executed. 1946, The Soviet Union announced that it was withdrawing its troops from Iran. 1947, The U.S. Congress proposed the limitation of the presidency to two terms. 1954, Britain opened trade talks with Hungary. 1955, Tennessee Williams' play "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" debuted on Broadway. 1955, The first oil drill seagoing rig was put into service. 1960, A U.S. appeals court ruled that the novel "Lady Chatterlys Lover" was not obscene and could be sent through the mail. 1972, Great Britain imposed direct rule over Northern Ireland. 1976, The president of Argentina, Isabel Peron, was deposed by her country's military. 1980, In San Salvador, Archbishop Oscar Arnulfo Romero was shot to death by gunmen as he celebrated Mass. 1985, Thousands demonstrated in Madrid against the NATO presence in Spain. 1988, Former national security aides Oliver L. North and John M. Poindexter and businessmen Richard V. Secord and Albert Hakim pled innocent to Iran-Contra charges. 1989, The Exxon Valdez spilled 240,000 barrels (11 million gallons) of oil in Alaska's Prince William Sound after it ran aground. 1989, The U.S. decided to send humanitarian aid to the Contras. 1990, Indian troops left Sri Lanka. 1991, The African nation of Benin held its first presidential elections in about 30 years. 1995, Russian forces surrounded Achkoi-Martan. It was one of the few remaining strongholds of rebels in Chechnia. 1995, The U.S. House of Representatives passed a welfare reform package that made the most changes in social programs since the New Deal. 1997, The Australian parliament overturned the world's first and only euthanasia law. 1998, In Jonesboro, AR, two young boys open fire at students from woods near a school. Four students and a teacher were killed and 10 others were injured. The two boys were 11 and 13 years old cousins. 1998, A former FBI agent said papers found in James Earl Ray's car supports a conspiracy theory in the assassination of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. 1999, In Kenya, at least 31 people were killed when a passenger train derailed. Hundreds were injured. 1999, NATO launched air strikes against Yugoslavia (Serbia, Montenegro, Kosovo and Vojvodina). The attacks marked the first time in its 50-year history that NATO attacked a sovereign country. The bombings were in response to Serbia's refusal to sign a peace treaty with ethnic Albanians who were seeking independence for the province of Kosovo. 1999, The 7-mile tunnel under Mont Blanc in France became an inferno after a truck carrying flour and margarine caught fire. At least 30 people were killed. 2001, Apple Computer Inc's operating system MAC OS X went on sale. 2002, Thieves stole five 17th century paintings from the Frans Hals Museum in the Dutch city of Haarlem. The paintings were worth about $2.6 million. The paintings were works by Jan Steen, Cornelis Bega, Adriaan van Ostade and Cornelis Dusart. 2005, The government of Kyrgyzstan collapsed after opposition protesters took over President Askar Akayev's presidential compound and government offices. 2006, In Spain, the Basque separatist group ETA announced a permanent cease-fire. 2014, It was announced that the U.S. and its allies would exclude Russia from the G8 meeting and boycott a planned summit in Sochi in response to Russia's takeover of Crimea. 2019, U.S. Attorney General William Barr released a four- page summary of Special Counsel Robert Mueller's report in U.S. President Donald Trump's election campaign. The report concluded that there was no collusion with Russia. 2020, The Dow Jones Industrial Average jumped 2,100 points (11.3%). It was the largest one-day percentage gain since 1933. 2022 Do smiled. |
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