Good Morning, Do, Today is Saturday, February 24 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Connecticut woman brought heroin to boyfriend in hospital, who OD'd Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, February 24 in 1839 Mr. William S. Otis received a patent for the steam shovel. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. --- Arthur C. Clarke (1917 - ) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this story: A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn't around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him, and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived. She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all! Zowie! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!" ______________________________________________________ >From Wendy Have you heard the one about the Marine and the Air Force man, sitting over drinks in a bar one night bragging about the women they had made love to? The Marine bet the Air Force man that he could have sex more times in one night then the Air Force men could. The AF man was married, so he took that bet.. figuring his wife would go along with it. He went home and dragged the chalk board from the children's bedroom into their bedroom... and every time he and his wife made love he put a mark on the board. The sun was just coming up as the AF man dragged himself to the edge of the bed to put a third line on that chalkboard, at which time the Marine walked in and took a look at the chalkboard and said, "A hundred and eleven? Crap you beat me by one!" _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Listened to Al Gore and forgot to migrate _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ Thanks to Connie for this advice: Ski season will be here soon! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared: 16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. 14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. 13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. 12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. 11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots, carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. 10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 8. Secure one of your ankles to a fire hydrant and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. With a bike. 7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. 6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler. 4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. 3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing! ---------- Awww, it's not that bad. Keep in mind that your adoring fans will laugh their butts off when they watch you doing all that! _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Angelica Cierniewski, 22, New Britain, Connecticut Connecticut woman brought heroin to boyfriend in hospital, who OD'd Police said a 22-year-old New Britain woman was arrested for bringing her boyfriend heroin while he was a patient at St. Francis Hospital. Hartford police said they responded to the hospital on a report of a heroin overdose in the emergency room. Police said the patient injected himself with the narcotics and overdosed. Hospital staff administered Narcan and the patient regained consciousness, police said. Angelica Cierniewski admitted her doings to the responding officers. Cierniewski also admitted to discarding the evidence. Cierniewski was arrested and charged with first-degree reckless endangerment and tampering with evidence. The patient remained in the hospital for his original ailment and was listed in stable condition, police said. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Cookie Re: Windows key Dear Webby, In your tech help in an old Humor Letter, that I searched today you had this phrase... *Hit the Windows key and R* Please explain to a dummy what the Window Key is. Thanks, Cookie Dear Cookie That is the second key from the left on the bottom row, the one with the Windows flag on it. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's animal Vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?" "Well, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
A cute young woman is giving a man in the barbershop a manicure. The man says, "How about a date later?" "I'm married," she answers. With a wink he says, "So, just tell him you're going out with your girlfriends." "Tell him yourself," she says. "He's shaving you." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Preparing Clothing for Washing Before laundering clothing, close zipper, snap naps, fasteners, and button buttons. That way your zippers and fasteners won't snag other clothing. The best time to do this is before you toss clothing in the dirty clothes hamper. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" Little Jenny raises her hand, and with a confident smile, she blurts out, "You'd be his wife!" | | The parking in front of a liquor store and laser eye surgery center. |
Thanks to Mary-Beth for this story: Here in the Kentucky hills, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Abner were sittin' on the porch swing, talkin 'bout the good ol' days when maw spots the biggest bird she has ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises up, "Git mah gun, Maw." Maw runs into the house, brings out his pump action shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. "I think ya missed him, Paw," she says. "Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!" ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, February 24, in 1835 "Siwinowe Kesibwi" (The Shawnee Sun) was issued as the first Indian language monthly publication in the U.S. 1839 Mr. William S. Otis received a patent for the steam shovel. 1866 In Washington, DC, an American flag made entirely of American bunting was displayed for the first time. 1868 The U.S. House of Representatives impeached President Andrew Johnson due to his attempt to dismiss Secretary of War Edwin M. Stanton. The U.S. Senate later acquitted Johnson. 1900 New York City Mayor Van Wyck signed the contract to begin work on New York's first rapid transit tunnel. The tunnel would link Manhattan and Brooklyn. The ground breaking ceremony was on March 24, 1900. 1903 In Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, an area was leased to the U.S. for a naval base. 1925 A thermit was used for the first time. It was used to break up a 250,000-ton ice jam that had clogged the St. Lawrence River near Waddington, NY. 1938 The first nylon bristle toothbrush was made. It was the first time that nylon yarn had been used commercially. 1942 The U.S. Government stopped shipments of all 12-gauge shotguns for sporting use for the wartime effort. 1945 During World War II, the Philippine capital of Manilla, was liberated by U.S. soldiers. 1946 Juan Peron was elected president of Argentina. 1956 The city of Cleveland invoked a 1931 law that barred people under the age of 18 from dancing in public without an adult guardian. 1980 NBC premiered the TV movie "Harper Valley P.T.A." 1981 Buckingham Palace announced the engagement of Britain's Prince Charles to Lady Diana Spencer. 1983 A U.S.congressional commission released a report that condemned the internment of Japanese-Americans during World War II. 1987 An exploding supernova was discovered in the Large Magellanic Cloud galaxy. 1988 The U.S. Supreme Court overturned a $200,000 award to Rev. Jerry Falwell that had been won against "Hustler" magazine. The ruling expanded legal protections for parody and satire. 1989 Iran's Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini sentenced Salman Rushdie to death for his novel "The Satanic Verses". A bounty of one to three- million-dollars was also put on Rushidie's head. 1989 A United Airlines 747 jet rips open in flight killing 9 people. The flight was from Honolulu to New Zealand. 1994 In Los Angeles, Garrett Morris was shot during a robbery attempt. He eventually recovered from his injury. 1997 The U.S. The Food and Drug Administration named six brands of birth control as safe and effective "morning-after" pills for preventing pregnancy. 1999 In southeast China, a domestic airliner crashed killing all 64 passengers. 2008 Cuba's parliament named Raul Castro president. His brother Fidel had ruled for nearly 50 years. 2018 Do smiled. |
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