Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, August 22, 2023 ___________________________________________________ Bonehead award Man jailed for murdering schoolteacher wife as young son slept upstairs ___________________________________________________ Q I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience. --- Shelley Winters (1922 - 2006) "Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it." --- Don Herold ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ History: Today in 1996, U.S. President Clinton signed legislation that ended guaranteed cash payments to the poor and demanded work from recipients. ___________________________________________________ "I'm telling you, Carol, I've never been happier, " Betty told her friend. "I have two boyfriends. One is just fabulous...handsome,sensitive, caring and considerate." What in the world do you need the second one for?" Carol asked?" "Oh," Betty replied, "the second one is straight." __________________________________________________ Dana Archer The Nubble Lighthouse in York,Maine __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!" "That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse." "How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?" "Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!" ______________________________________________ Redneck Pilot Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points. You think sectional charts should show trailer parks. Your toothpick keeps poking your mike. You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer. You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock. You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut. You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight. You refer to flying in formation as "We got us a convoy". You have an orange airplane with a Union Jack on the side. You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window. You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together. Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass, and wheat from the landing gear. You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane. You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been flying for years. There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere". There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left. You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep. You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee. You fly to family reunions to meet girls. You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing contest. You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass. There are grass stains on your propeller tips. The spittoon is wedged between the rudder pedals Just before impact, you're heard saying "Hey, y'all, hold mah beer and watch this!" ____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ >From Millie After I recovered from surgery, my family suggested that I write thank-you notes to everyone who sent gifts and cards. I agreed that it was a nice idea, and I asked my daughter to buy several books of 'Love' stamps at the post office. Upon returning, my daughter said, "I asked for books of Love stamps, but the clerk told me they were out of books. And all he could give me was 'Love' in the sheets." _____________________________________________________ Top 10 Things Only Women Understand 10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors. 8. Why Bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time. 5. The difference between beige, off-white, bone, and ecru. 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 1. Other women ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ >From Sr Patricia Internet Bumper Stickers * This web site is COVID Free. No face mask required! * I don't get mad... I get stabby! * DON'T MAKE ME USE UPPERCASE! * Well, TODAY was a total waste of makeup. * Last one out of the chatroom, please turn off the lights. * Not tonight dear, I have DSL. * If all else fails, stop using all else. * My mom went to cyberspace, ... and all I got was this internet bumper sticker. * You are, like, SO off my buddy list! ____________________________________________________ As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her, and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings, and back flips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes and one said to the other, "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me knickers on!" _____________________________________________________ I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience. --- Shelley Winters (1922 - 2006) "Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it." --- Don Herold _____________________________________________________ Points The Successful Computer Operator Should Always Remember: When operating a computer, whatever happens, behave as though you meant for it to happen. When you reach the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. When the going gets tough, upgrade. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but not necessarily what you intended it to do. _____________________________________________________ Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.) Monday A.M. Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger- sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six. Tuesday A.M. Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the frig. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you about this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to- door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili. Wednesday A.M. Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house. Thursday A.M. Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following: 1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal? 2. How do you turn off the milkman? 3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots? 4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand? 5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door? I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me! Friday A.M. Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother. have a great day. ___________________________________________________ "I'm telling you, Carol, I've never been happier, " Betty told her friend. "I have two boyfriends. One is just fabulous...handsome,sensitive, caring and considerate." What in the world do you need the second one for?" Carol asked?" "Oh," Betty replied, "the second one is straight." __________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Pam RE: Windows Colors messed up Dear Webby, I lent my laptop to my MIL, and her daughter totally squewed up all the colors in Windows. You had taught me once upon a time, lonng, long ago, how to make active windows have a green top bar and border and inactive windows a red bar and borders, and have very visible colors for text. Now everything is as squewed up as my MIL is. BAD, BAD DOPE! Unfortunately, due to my Oldtimers disease, I cana't remember how to set all those colors. Btw., I use W7. Life is too short for getting hassled with W10. Thanks Pam Dear Pam Right-click on the desktop Personalize Appearance again Personalize There, hidden way down you can select Windows Classic and below that the second bottom from the left is for Window Color In there you can set EVERYTHING! Menu bars colors and fonts and sizes, border colors and sizes, anything you can think of. There is no need to put up with a dopey color scheme. Have FUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped. One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank," he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!" ________________________________________________ A Bonehead award has been reported by Rock Conrad Iyayi, in jail London England Man jailed for murdering schoolteacher wife as young son slept upstairs Conrad Iyayi stabbed his wife seven times in the chest and later claimed he thought he had killed her in a dream. A man has been jailed for life with a minimum term of 18 years for murdering his wife in their kitchen as their son slept upstairs. Conrad Iyayi stabbed Kathryn Iyayi, known as Katy Harris, seven times in the chest at their home in Oak Crescent, Littleover, Derby, in February 2022. Ms Harris, a 52-year-old art teacher for SEND children and mother-of-three, suffered a violent death at the hands of Iyayi, who had taken methadone and drunk alcohol before the killing, prosecutor Gordon Aspden KC said. Iyayi, 46, had already admitted manslaughter but pleaded guilty to murder on the second day of his trial at Derby Crown Court on August 2. Sentencing him at the same court on Friday, Judge Shaun Smith KC said the attack was determined and sustained. He said: It was a brutal, frenzied killing and a needless death. In truth, only two people know what happened. Kathryn is dead and you have never really revealed the full truth, although there is a strong suggestion that drugs and alcohol played a role in what happened. Whatever happened, she did not need to lose her life. She was entitled at the very least to be safe in her home. Mr Aspden told the court that Iyayi had used three kitchen knives to attack his wife after watching Match Of The Day with their young son on the evening of February 5 last year. He said: At the time of the murder, the couples 11-year-old son, Theo, was asleep in his bedroom upstairs, but mercifully it does not appear that he was disturbed by what his father was doing to his mother elsewhere in the house. It is believed Iyayi murdered his wife between Theo going to bed at midnight and 3am on February 6, when he was seen on CCTV walking his dog wearing a coat later found stained with his wifes blood. Iyayi rang the police at around 7.30am and said: I think my wife might be dead, Im not saying anything, I just want a solicitor. She literally must have been fighting for her life during what must have been a terrifying final ordeal Ms Harris was pronounced dead at the scene, with Theo awoken and removed from the house and Iyayi arrested. Mr Aspden said: He [Iyayi] made a number of unsolicited comments concerning Katys death. He said it all felt like a dream and the situation, in his words, was crazy. His demeanour was remarkably calm and controlled given the dreadful circumstances of what had happened. In a prepared statement read in a police interview, Iyayi said he had taken methadone bought from the dark web prior to the murder. He claimed that the substance had an unanticipated effect, which led him to believe he had taken a mind-altering hallucinogenic and had murdered his wife in a dream, only to discover her body hours later. But later tests showed Iyayi had taken prescription methadone, as well as prescribed anti-depressants and painkillers, rather than an unknown substance as he had claimed. Injuries to Ms Harris hands were evidence, Mr Aspden said, that she literally must have been fighting for her life during what must have been a terrifying final ordeal. In a victim impact statement read by Mr Aspden, Theo said he felt betrayed by the defendant and had struggled at school as a result of the murder. He said: He is not my father and I want nothing to do with him again. In their statement, Ms Harris grown-up daughters Phoebe and Alexa said: We dont feel anything towards him. We are numb. We dont see him as a human being as anyone with any humanity could not take someone elses life in the way that he did. He is sinister, sadistic and manipulative. We feel betrayed. __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the humor letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work, please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! __________________________________________________ History Today August 22, in 1485, The War of the Roses ended with the death of England's King Richard III. He was killed in the Battle of Bosworth Field. His successor was Henry V II. 1567, The "Council of Blood" was established by the Duke of Alba. This was the beginning of his reign of terror in the Netherlands. 1642, The English Civil War began when Charles I called Parliament and its soldiers traitors. 1762, Ann Franklin became the editor of the Mercury of Newport in Rhode Island. She was the first female editor of an American newspaper. 1770, Australia was claimed under the British crown when Captain James Cook landed there. 1775, The American colonies were proclaimed to be in a state of open rebellion by England's King George III. 1846, The U.S. annexed New Mexico. 1851, The schooner America outraced the Aurora off the English coast to win a trophy that became known as the America's Cup. 1865, A patent for liquid soap was issued to William Sheppard. 1902, In Hartford, CT, U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt became the first president of the United States to ride in an automobile. 1906, The Victor Talking Machine Company of Camden, NJ began to manufacture the Victrola. The hand-cranked unit, with horn cabinet, sold for $200. 1910, Japan formally annexed Korea. 1911, It was announced that Leonardo da Vinci's "Mona Lisa" had been stolen from the Louvre Museum in Paris. The painting reappeared two years later in Italy. 1932, The BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) began its first TV broadcast in England. 1941, Nazi troops reached the outskirts of Leningrad during World War II. 1950, Althea Gibson became the first black tennis player to be accepted into a national competition. 1951, 75,052 people watched the Harlem Globetrotters perform. It was the largest crowd to see a basketball game. 1959, Stephen Rockefeller married Anne Marie Rasmussen. Anne had once been a maid for the powerful and wealthy Rockefeller family. 1968, Pope Paul VI arrived in Bogota, Colombia, for the start of the first papal visit to Latin America. 1972, Due to its racial policies, Rhodesia was asked to withdraw from the 20th Olympic Summer Games. 1973, Henry Kissinger was named Secretary of State by U.S. President Nixon. Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize in the same year. 1984, The last Volkswagen Rabbit rolled off the assembly line in New Stanton, PA. 1986, Kerr-McGee Corp. agreed to pay the estate of the late Karen Silkwood $1.38 million to settle a 10-year-old nuclear contamination lawsuit. 1990, U.S. President George H.W. Bush signed an order for calling reservists to aid in the build up of troops in the Persian Gulf. 1990, The U.S. State Department announced that the U.S. Embassy in Kuwait would not be closed under President Saddam Hussein's demand. 1990, Angry smokers blocked a street in Moscow to protest the summer-long cigarette shortage. 1991, It was announced by Yugoslavia that a truce ordered on August 7th with Croatia had collapsed. 1991, Mikhail S. Gorbachev returned to Moscow after the collapse of the hard-liners' coup. On the same day he purged the men that had tried to oust him. 1992, In Rostock, Germany, neo-Nazi violence broke out against foreigners. 1996, U.S. President Clinton signed legislation that ended guaranteed cash payments to the poor and demanded work from recipients. 2004, In Oslo, Norway, a version of Edvard Munch's "The Scream" and his work "Madonna" were stolen from the Munch Museum. This version of "The Scream," one of four different versions, was a tempera painting on board. 2023, Do smiled.
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