| Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, May 28 Tomorrow I have to go to Calgary for injections into my eyeball. That means no newsletters on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. ____________________________________________________ History: Today, May 28 in 1985, David Jacobsen, director of the American University Hospital in Beirut, Lebanon, was abducted by pro-Iranian kidnappers. He was freed 17 months later. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Texas Woman asked to sign divorce papers killed husband with hammer _____________________________________________________ Q It is a far, far better thing to have a firm anchor in nonsense than to put out on the troubled sea of thought. --- John Kenneth Galbraith (1908 - 2006) "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." --- Dave Barry ______________________________________________________ SLEEPING ON THE JOB..... Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk 15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress." 7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 6. "The coffee machine is broken...." 5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands." AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: "Amen" _____________________________________________________ ILLEGAL'S POEM I cross ocean, poor and broke, Take bus, see employment folk. Nice man treat me good in there, Say I need to see welfare. Welfare say, "You come no more, we send cash right to your door." Welfare checks, they make you wealthy, Medicaid it keep you healthy! By and by, I got plenty money, thanks to you, American dummy. Write to friends in mother-land; tell them come fast as you can. They come in turbans and Ford trucks, I buy big house with welfare bucks. They come here, we live together, more welfare checks, it gets better! Fourteen families, they moving in, but neighbor's patience wearing thin. Finally, white guy moves away, now I buy his house, and then I say, "Find more aliens for house to rent." And in the yard I put a tent. Send for family they just trash, But they, too, draw the welfare cash! Everything is very good, and soon we own the neighborhood. We have hobby -- it's called breeding, Welfare pay for baby feeding. Kids need dentist? Wife need pills? We get free! We got no bills! American crazy! He pay all year, to keep welfare running here. We think America darn good place! Too darn good for the white man race. If they no like us, they can scram, Got lots of room in Pakistan. ______________________________________________________ Iceland Highlands Ana ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been reported by Rock My Tran, 42, Arlington, Texas. USA Texas Woman asked to sign divorce papers killed husband with hammer A 42-year-old woman has been charged with the murder of her husband after Arlington police said she hit him in the head with a hammer after going to his apartment to sign divorce papers. My Tran is in the Arlington City Jail after being arrested at the scene. This happened just before 6 a.m. on Tuesday, when police were called about a domestic disturbance at an apartment complex in the 3200 block of Sweet Gum Trail. Police said Tran called 911 and said she hit her husband on the head with a hammer. Responding officers found a 45-year-old man in a bedroom who was pronounced dead at the scene. His name has not yet been released. Tran was sitting outside the apartment and detained while police investigated. Investigators found that Tran was asked to go to the apartment to sign divorce papers. No further details have been released about what else may have led to Tran attacking her husband with a hammer. ___________________________________________________ CHURCH BLOOPERS The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. Evening massage - 6 p.m. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door. Ushers will eat latecomers. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. ___________________________________________________ >From Janice When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat rooms, I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do schoolwork until I returned home at 5p.m. One day at 4:30 I decided to check up on him. Using my office computer, I went on- line and entered his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson in front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your mother, and you are grounded for two weeks!" "Hi, Mrs. Beyeler," came a reply. "This is David. Jared's doing homework right now, and he said I could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's been grounded." ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Doria RE: Why Microsoft Office? Dear Webby, Your piece about dumping years of ancient mail is definitely a keeper. We all howled when I read it out loud. Now, here is a tricky question: Why does the Government waste Millions on Microsoft Office, when the free Open Office would work just fine to get the work done? None of us here could figure that out. Doria Dear Doria There is no logical or technical excuse for that. Government insiders shrug their shoulders and mention the magic word "incentives". It seems that at one time Apple saw that IBM was working on the Government purchasers with "incentives", so they did the same with the schools. Both IBM and Apple got beat in that game by Microsoft, and it does not look like there will be any changes in the foreseeable future. Open Office is created by a loose herd of dedicated volunteers, and they have no money for providing "incentives". Their only reward is seeing the program work flawlessly and user numbers slowly increasing. If you are a Government purchaser and want "incentives", forget that you ever heard of Open Office or Office Libre. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ *Parenthood* If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results. The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side. Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children. The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car. Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds. The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed. Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car. Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren. There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it. Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents. Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm. Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am. There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age. Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers. An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children. _____________________________________________ >From Vicky During my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was told never to recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who had available appointments. One day a woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially. "I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think I should see?" Knowing my supervisor was listening close by, I tried to sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't recommend any of our doctors." "Well, you must know!" she said, heading for the door. ____________________________________________ When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces." "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and find suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!" "Yes, we use Windows." replied Peter, "The Titanic only crashed ONCE." ___________________________________________________ Cicely Kricket Wild Horse in Kananaskis, near "Forget Me Not Pond" __________________________________________________ Guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter says to him, "God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under one condition." The man says, "What's that?" St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'." So he does and he is let in to heaven. As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell a word. Next thing you know, his wife shows up at the gate and he asks her what she is doing there? She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she died. The husband says alright, but you do have to spell one word first before you come in to heaven. She asks "What's that?" He says "Spell Czechoslovakia" _________________________________________________ When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked. Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, "I like them." Relieved, I started to ring her up, until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one's been opened." ____________________________________________________ Today, May 28 in 585 BC, A solar eclipse occurred that had been predicted by Thales Miletus. 585 BC, The Persian-Lydian battle ended. 1533, England's Archbishop declared the marriage of King Henry VIII to Anne Boleyn valid. 1805, Napoleon was crowned in Milan, Italy. 1863, The first black regiment left Boston to fight in the U.S. Civil War. 1892, The Sierra club was organized in San Francisco, CA. 1900, Britain annexed the Orange Free State. 1918, Azerbaijan declared independence. 1928, Chrysler Corporation merged with Dodge Brothers, Inc. 1929, Warner Brothers debuted "On With The Show" in New York City. It was the first all-color-talking picture. 1934, The Dionne quintuplets were born near Callender, Ontario to Olivia and Elzire Dionne. The babies were the first quintuplets to survive infancy. 1937, U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt pushed a button in Washington, DC, signaling that vehicular traffic could cross the newly opened Golden Gate Bridge in California. 1940, During World War II, Belgium surrendered to Germany. 1953, The Walt Disney film "Melody" premiered in the Paramount Theatre in Hollywood. The picture was the first 3-D cartoon. 1957, National League club owners voted to allow the Brooklyn Dodgers to move to Los Angeles and that the New York Giants could move to San Francisco. 1961, Amnesty International, a human rights organization, was founded. 1976, The Peaceful Nuclear Explosion Treaty was signed, limiting any nuclear explosion, regardless of its purpose, to a yield of 150 kilotons. 1977, Fire raced through the Beverly Hills Supper Club in Southgate, KY. 165 people were killed. 1985, David Jacobsen, director of the American University Hospital in Beirut, Lebanon, was abducted by pro-Iranian kidnappers. He was freed 17 months later. 1987, Mathias Rust, a 19-year-old West German pilot, landed a private plane in Moscow's Red Square after evading Soviet air defenses. He was released August 3, 1988. 1995, An earthquake in the Russian town Neftegorsk killed at least 2000 people. It had a magnitude of 7.5. 1996, U.S. President Clinton's former business partners in the Whitewater land deal were convicted of fraud. 1998, Pakistan matched India with five nuclear test blasts. The U.S., Japan and other nations imposed economic sanctions. Pakistani Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif said "Today, we have settled the score with India." 1998, Dr. Susan Terebey discovered a planet outside of our solar system with the use of photos taken by the Hubble Space Telescope. 1999, In Milan, Italy, Leonardo de Vinci's "The Last Supper" was put back on display after more than 20 years of restoration work. 2002, Russia became a limited partner in NATO with the creation of the NATO-Russia Council. 2015, The Observatory at One World Trade Center officially opened. 2018, Coca-Cola launched Lemon-Do in Kyushu, Japan. The three fizzy lemon drinks ranged in alcohol content from 3-8%. 2023, Do smiled.
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