Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, July 31 ___________________________________________________ History on this day, July 27, in 1980, China's population reached 1 billion. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Michigan man arrested for baby's brutal murder tells judge he needs to get out of jail to start new job _________________________________________________ The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down. --- Flip Wilson (1933 - 1998) The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. ---Ashleigh Brilliant There is not any memory with less satisfaction than the memory of some temptation we resisted. --- James Branch Cabell (1879 - 1958) __________________________________________________ Three clergymen were sitting in a boat, fishing. "I'm thirsty," said the first. "I'm gonna go get myself a Coke." So he got out of the boat, walked across the water, and came back with his Coke. "Ooh, that looks good," said the second and got out of the boat. He walked across the water, got his Coke, and came back. "You're right," said the third. "I think I'll get one too." He steps out of the boat and sinks like a rock. "Hey," said the first clergyman to the second, "should we tell him where the rocks are?" ___________________________________________________ A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?" "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!" --------------- I quit that silly diet before I started it, and outlived that dotor. __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Aaron Joseph Trout, 31, GLENNIE, Michigan, USA Man arrested for baby's brutal murder tells judge he needs to get out of jail to start new job A Michigan man accused of murdering a 2-year-old girl before dumping her badly beaten body at a hospital told a judge during his arraignment that he needs to be released from jail to start a new job. Aaron Joseph Trout, 31, of Glennie, was arrested Friday and charged with one count of murder in connection to the suspected beating death of a two-year-old girl, who was not his daughter. Michigan State Police were asked by the Alpena Police Department for assistance with the investigation after a woman was dropped off at a hospital Friday morning seeking medical attention for the toddler. After investigators identified the girls residence, Trout was identified as a suspect. Alcona County Prosecutor Tom Weichel told Alpena News that Trout likely dropped the woman and girl at the hospital and then fled the area. He said it appeared the child sustained fatal injuries several days prior before being brought to the hospital, but the results of the autopsy remained pending. Besides saying the girl was not Trouts daughter, Weichel said he could not disclose the nature of the relationship between the woman, girl and now the accused murderer. The suspect was located and taken into custody in Alcona County following a "coordinated effort" of members of Michigan State Police Alpena Post, Michigan State Police West Branch Post, Alcona Sheriffs Office, Oscoda Township Police Department, U.S. Forest Service, Michigan DNR conservation offers, and members of the Michigan State Police Emergency Support Team, according to a state police statement. He was later booked into Iosco County Jail. Appearing virtually in 81st District Court on Monday, Trout told Alcona County judge Laura A. Frawley that he needed to be released from jail to start a new job on Wednesday, Alpena News reported. The judge was not sympathetic and denied bond, citing Trouts prior history of criminal assault, resisting police, failing to appear in court, and substance abuse. His next scheduled court appearance is on August 3. The judge said he is prohibited from using the Internet and cannot contact the victims family. He may make phone calls while jailed but must first request and receive permission. _____________________________________________________ An attendant on a cross-country flight nervously announced: "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat, will receive free drinks for the length of the flight." Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone of you singing drunks wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!" _____________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Rhea RE: Why FireFox for Forms? Dear Webby, Judy mentioned that she uses Chrome for browsing and FireFox for form filling. Why? Rhea Dear Rhea FireFox traditionally offers the last used entry for a particular form. Like Auto-Correct, that can be a blessing, or a curse. If you DON'T want the browser to fill in the previous filling, for example "July", then use Chrome. If you DO want it to fill in reusable stuff, then use Firefox. Have FUN! DearWebby ________________________________________________ Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Arnold Schwarzenegger, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight- lifting department. "Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day." "I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out. "Please, Dad?" "They're not cheap either." "I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see." Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door. >From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!" _____________________________________________________ John says, "I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black Tie' only. But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!" _____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview. Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, how- ever, want to thank you for the lasagna recipe." _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ >From Annie My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, "I just used a regular DSL modem." ____________________________________________________ What the DUCK are those? They are NOT mine! ___________________________________________________ A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. B: I'm not. I'm her mother. ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?" "I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter. "Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again." ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________________ John was tasked with taking the Christmas decorations up to the attic for another year's storage. During one trek up the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, he slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on his behind. His wife heard the noise and yelled, "What was that thump?" "I just fell down the stairs," he explained. She rushed into the room, "Anything broken?!" "No, no, I'm fine." There was just a slight pause before his loving wife said, "No, I meant my decorations? Are any of them broken?" ____________________________________________________ Mom and Dad went to a restaurant one evening. Dad was about halfway finishing his meal when took a hard look at the potato. He called the waitress and said, "This potato is bad." The waitress picked it up, smacked it, and put it back on the plate, then said, "If that potato causes any more trouble just let me know." _____________________________________________________ Who needs a man ? If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog. If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog. If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog. If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog. If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog. If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbors, get a dog. If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog. If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog. If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog! On the other hand... If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and come home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that HE's happy... Get a CAT! ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
| Today, July 31, in 1498, Christopher Columbus, on his third voyage to the Western Hemisphere, arrived at the island of Trinidad. 1790, The first U.S. patent was issued to Samuel Hopkins for his process for making potash and pearl ashes. The substance was used in fertilizer. 1792, The cornerstone of the U.S. Mint in Philadelphia, PA, was laid. It was the first building to be used only as a U.S. government building. 1919, Germany's Weimar Constitution was adopted. 1928, MGMs Leo the lion roared for the first time. He introduced MGMs first talking picture, "White Shadows on the South Seas." 1932, Enzo Ferrari retired from racing. In 1950 he launched a series of cars under his name. 1945, Pierre Laval of France surrendered to Americans in Austria. 1948, U.S. President Truman helped dedicate New York International Airport (later John F. Kennedy International Airport) at Idlewild Field. 1955, Marilyn Bell of Toronto, Canada, at age 17, became the youngest person to swim the English Channel. 1959, The Euskadi Ta Askatasuna (ETA) was founded. The group is known for being an armed Basque nationalist and separatist organization. 1964, The American space probe Ranger 7 transmitted pictures of the moon's surface. 1971, Men rode in a vehicle on the moon for the first time in a lunar rover vehicle (LRV). 1980, China's population reached 1 billion. 1982, Yugoslavia imposed a six-month freeze on prices. 1989, A pro-Iranian group in Lebanon released a videotape reportedly showing the hanged body of American hostage William R. Higgins. 1991, U.S. President George H.W. Bush and Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev signed the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty. 1999, The spacecraft Lunar Prospect crashed into the moon. It was a mission to detect frozen water on the moon's surface. The craft had been launched on January 6, 1998. 2022 Do! smiled. |
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