Good Morning, Do, Today is Tuesday, May 8 Got bloodied yeterday evening while walking my neighbor's big dog. It was really funny. A lady a few blocks away asked if her dog could meet Copper. Is aid sure, so she took her dog out of her pick-up. Copper was well behaved until he was about 12 feet away. Then he suddenly bolted to that dog like a shotgun slug. Keep in mind, Copper weighs about 15 pounds more than you do, and he is on 4x4. There was no way I could hold him back. I flew through the air and with him pulling had no chance to stay upright. With one hand looped in the leash and the other holding the willow switch I use to get his attention, I nosedived onto the sharp gravel. Glasses shattered, of course, and the nose was bleeding profusely. So were the palms of my hands and both knees. The lady got some wet paper towel from her nearby house and stopped the bleeding. I thought it was rather funny, but she felt really sorry, and gave me a very nice hug. After I told her Copper had done it just so I would get a decent hug, she gave me a couple more. Still got my indoor reading glasses. Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Woman fined after urine sample damages 7-Eleven microwave Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, May 8 in 1886 Pharmacist Dr. John Styth Pemberton invented what would later be called "Coca-Cola." See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time. --- E. B. White (1899 1985) Jack Handey (1949 ) I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. --- Voltaire (1694 1778) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Early in the marriage, Helen, the wife's lifelong friend, came to dinner. During the course of the meal, she broke a fork in half. "Don't worry about it, Helen," said the husband. "It's just one of those cheap sets you get for subscribing to that recipe magazine." The wife turned to the husband and announced, "Honey, Helen gave us that set as a wedding gift!" _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ Dentist - "Try to relax. I'll pull your aching tooth in five minutes." Patient - "How much will this cost?" Dentist - "It`ll be $100." Patient - "That much for just five minutes work?" Dentist - "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly and make it last half an hour." _______________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Angelique Sanchez, 26, Denver, Colorado Woman fined after urine sample damages 7-Eleven microwave A Denver woman was cited Thursday for allegedly causing damage to a 7-Eleven store's microwave oven when she tried to heat a urine sample, authorities said. A store clerk reported seeing the suspect, identified as Angelique Sanchez, 26, place something in the Aurora, Colo., store's microwave before hearing a loud bang seconds later, Denver's KUSA-TV reported, citing an Aurora Police Department report. The clerk reportedly told Sanchez to clean up the mess or she would alert police. Sanchez then wiped out the microwave onto the floor with napkins and left, Pueblo's KOAA-TV reported, also citing the police report. The clerk then called police and told them she noticed yellow liquid dripping from the microwave and the smell was unquestionably urine. Police later found Sanchez about a half-mile away, at a health clinic where she was waiting to undergo a physical exam and urinalysis for a potential job, according to the report. One of the quality-check measures for a urine screening involves making sure the sample is at body temperature, or around 98.6 degrees, KUSA-TV reported. Sanchez reportedly told police that she had cleaned up the mess and did not understand the problem. When I reminded her that urine blew up where people prepare their food, she told me it was not real urine, a police officer wrote in his report. The officer said he issued Sanchez a summons for damaged property after informing her that the microwave is worth $500, KUSA-TV reported. Sanchez was also not allowed to take the drug test that day, KOAA-TV reported. Tech Support Pits From: Diana Re: Why and how increase virtual memory Dear Webby, Just love your newsletter and advice. Can you tell me the benifits of increasing virtual memory? What is your recommendation for the size it should be? And how do I do it? Thank you very much, Diana Dear Diana Virtual memory is a part of the hard drive pretending to be chip memory, when the machine needs more RAM than you actually have under the hood. As a rule of thumb, make the virtual memory two to 4 times the size of your RAM. If your RAM is 2 GB, then make the virtual emory 8 GB. To change the virtual memory settings, go to Start, Control Panel and click on System. Click on the Advanced tab and under the Performance box, click Settings. In Windows 7, you'll need to click on Advanced System Settings on the left side to bring up the System Properties dialog. Have FUN DearWebby A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if she can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?" The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does! Be careful, she is a wrestler!" Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What's that latin stuff the priest says when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet or I'll knock your @#$%^ block off!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Insurance Quotes Get multiple quotes when shopping for insurance. Write down as much information as possible about each insurer. If the agent or representative is not willing to answer your questions, it's probably not a good company to give your business. Don't buy from the first insurance company you call! Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates. The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected. He queries the first candidate: "What was your annual salary, and what was your profession? "I made $450,000 as an attorney," comes the reply. "OK," says the Angel, "take elevator #2.". Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000, I was a realtor." He is also permitted to enter and was told to take elevator #4 Now it is the third man's turn. "My annual income was $175." "Cool!" replies the Angel, "take elevator #10, the UP elevator. By the way, what ezine did you publish?" | The frost fairs of the river Thames when the northern hemisphere was in the grip of a "Little Ice Age." |
___________________________________________________ The stressed-out department store clerk quits and becomes a cop. "How's the new gig?" his friend asks. "The pay is great, the hours are awful, but I love that the customer is always wrong." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, May 8 in 1096 Peter the Hermit and his army reached Hungary. They passed through without incident. 1450 Jack Cade's Rebellion-Kentishmen revolted against King Henry VI. 1541 Hernando de Soto reached the Mississippi River. He called it Rio de Espiritu Santo. 1794 Antoine Lavoisier was executed by guillotine. He was the French chemist who discovered oxygen. 1846 The first major battle of the Mexican War was fought. The battle occurred in Palo Alto, TX. 1847 The rubber tire was patented by Robert W. Thompson. 1879 George Selden applied for the first automobile patent. 1886 Pharmacist Dr. John Styth Pemberton invented what would later be called "Coca-Cola." 1914 The U.S. Congress passed a Joint Resolution that designated the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day. 1919 The first transatlantic flight by a navy seaplane began. The three Curtiss NC flying boats left from Naval Air Station Rockaway. 1921 Sweden abolished capital punishment. 1933 Gandhi began a hunger strike to protest British oppression in India. 1939 Clay Puett's electric starting gate was used for the first time. 1943 The Germans suppressed a revolt by Polish Jews and destroyed the Warsaw Ghetto. 1945 U.S. President Harry Truman announced that World War II had ended in Europe. 1954 Parry O'Brien became the first to toss a shot put over 60 feet. O'Brien achieved a distance of 60 feet 5 1/4 inches. 1956 Alfred E. Neuman appeared on the cover of "Mad Magazine" for the first time. 1958 U.S. President Eisenhower ordered the National Guard out of Little Rock as Ernest Green became the first black to graduate from an Arkansas public school. 1959 Mike and Marian Ilitch founded "Little Caesars Pizza Treat". 1960 Diplomatic relations between Cuba and the Soviet Union resumed. 1970 Construction workers broke up an anti-war protest on New York City's Wall Street. 1973 Militant American Indians who had held the South Dakota hamlet of Wounded Knee for 10 weeks surrendered. 1984 The Soviet Union announced that they would not participate in the 1984 Summer Olympics Games in Los Angeles. 1985 "New Coke" was released to the public on the 99th anniversary of Coca-Cola. 1986 Reporters were told that 84,000 people had been evacuated from areas near the Chernobyl nuclear plant in Soviet Ukraine. 1998 A pipe burst leaving a million residents without water in Malaysia's capital area. This added to four days of shortages that 2 million already faced. 2018 Do smiled. |
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