Good Morning, Do, Today is Monday, November 13 Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Police forced to stop interrogating suspect after he continually FARTS replies Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, November 13 in 1805 Johann George Lehner, a Viennese butcher, invented a recipe and called it the "frankfurter." In Vienna (Wien), Frankfurt seemed a modern town. Outside of Wien, his sausages were called Wieners. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. --- Soren Kierkegaard (1813 - 1855) The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. --- Socratex No human thing is of serious importance. --- Plato --------------- Seems to me, his wife strenuously disagreed with that. ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalking around with a flyswatter. When I asked if he had gotten any flies, he answered, "Yeah, 3 males and 2 females." Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference. He answered, "3 were on beer glasses and 2 were on phones." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ A man was brought before the court on the charge of refusing to obey a police officer. "Why did you refuse to move on when asked to do so by the officer?" the judge inquired, obviously wondering what unexplained force could have given such a man strength to buck a strong minion of the law. "It's like this, your honor," he explained. "My wife said I was to meet her at exactly twelve noon at that spot - and I was forced to choose between man's law and wife's law." ______________________________________________________ My dad sent this. It bloomed today. _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear. "You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me? I would NEVER do a thing like THAT!" Then her eyes narrowed and she hissed, "Unless you're the s.o.b. who found my diary on the bus..." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Sean Sykes Jnr, Kansas City, Missouri Police forced to stop interrogating suspect after he continually FARTS replies police were forced to bring their interrogation with a suspect on drugs and gun charges to a swift end after he continually replied to their questions with FARTS. Sean Sykes Jnr was being questioned over intent to sell cocaine and being in possession of a firearm in Kansas City, Missouri, when the bizarre incident occurred. In his report, which emerged at court on Monday for a different crime, the detective interviewing the 24-year-old wrote: "Mr Sykes leaned to one side of his chair and released a loud fart before answering with the address. "Mr. Sykes continued to be flatulent and I ended the interview." However, the cops did not forgive and forget. He was taken back into custody this month after being found in possession of a stolen fiream. Police searched a car containing Sykes only to find a .357 Magnum which had been reported missing a few days earlier. According to court documents, police also found marijuana and crack cocaine inside the vehicle. My Sykes is currently held in custody until a bond can be set. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Lex Re: Which Laptop Dear Webby, Dear Webby Thank you so much for you very informative as well as delightful newsletter. Please advise me as to what laptop I should invest in. I have a pc at home, but I will begin traveling with my job within the next two weeks, (for a week at a time) and want to continue my computer usage. My needs are rather basic such as sending email, research on the net, keeping records/notes, yahoo messenger to communicate with my friends and family while away and staying in hotels. I would appreciate you being very explicit as to what you think I should purchase since I am not very computer literate. Thanking you in advance for any help you might offer. An Avid Dear Webby reader Lex Dear Lex Just get the cheapest DELL or Acer notebook that has or can be ordered with 4 GB of RAM. Order it with 3 year, next day, on-site replacement warranty, and NOT with Norton pre-installed. They will put either norton or McAfee on it in order to get the affiliate money, if you buy it. McAfee is easier to UNinstall when you put Malwarebytes on it. Nowadays, all the rest in a basic notebook is more than enough for business purposes. Don't get too large a screen! A 16" laptop won't fit under the narrow seats of the airplanes they use nowadays, and you wind up putting it into the overhead, out of your sight. There may be cheaper alternatives, but if you are using it for business and on the road, the fastest warranty service that you can get is worth the extra money. The better the warranty, the less likely you are going to need it. Have FUN! DearWebby A married couple in New York's "Little Italy" went to their Priest to discuss birth control, since they already had five children. The husband inquired if perhaps oral sex would be an acceptable substitute in the eyes of the Church. The Priest explained that it was still considered a perverted act and a sin; totally banned according to their faith. The wife spoke up, fuming, "Look Father, you no play-a da game, you no make-a da rules!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Thanks to Martin for this story: "Birds and Bees" A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting Into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!" Confused, the father asks what's wrong. "Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa Speech.' "At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' Speech.' "When I was eight, you hit me with the ' There's no tooth fairy' speech. "If you're going to tell me that grown ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Pen Ink on Leather Here's a trick for removing an ink stain from leather. Spray a little hairspray (the cheap stuff works best) on the ink, let it sit for a few seconds, and wipe it off. Quite often, the ink will come right off. Be sure to test this solution in an inconspicuous place first to make sure it doesn't mark the leather. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked when she was not bitching, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale." ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Dianne for this story: A man was on Regent Street in London and entered a very posh gourmet food shop. A salesperson in a morning coat with tails approached and politely asked, "May I help to you, sir?" "Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox." "No, no," responded the dignified salesperson, "you mean 'smoked salmon'." "Okay, a pound of smoked salmon." "Anything else?" "Yes, a dozen blintzes." "No, no. You mean 'crepes'." "Okay, a dozen crepes." "Anything else?" "Yes, A pound of chopped liver." "No, no. You mean 'pate'." "Okay," said the Jewish patron, "a pound of pate, and I'd like you to deliver this Saturday morning." "Sir," said the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep chazzerai on Shabbos." __________________________________________________ | | Sweden seems to have more vintage 1950s American cars than America. |
Dear Webby I finally decided to get the MailWasher from the right side. Should have listened to your advice a lot sooner. It saved me over an hour every day so far, and sorts the mail more accurately than I can by hand. Thanks! Gilbert ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!" ____________________________________________________ | Today, November 13, in 1775 During the American Revolution, U.S. forces captured Montreal. 1789 Benjamin Franklin wrote a letter to a friend in which he said, "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." 1805 Johann George Lehner, a Viennese butcher, invented a recipe and called it the "frankfurter." In Vienna (Wien), Frankfurt seemed a modern town. Outside Vienna, his sausages were called Wieners. 1927 The Holland Tunnel opened to the public, providing access between New York City and New Jersey beneath the Hudson River. 1933 In Austin, MN, the first sit-down labor strike in America took place. 1940 The Walt Disney movie "Fantasia" had its world premiere at New York's Broadway Theater. 1942 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure lowering the minimum draft age from 21 to 18. 1956 The U.S. Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on public buses. 1971 The U.S. spacecraft Mariner 9 became the first spacecraft to orbit another planet, Mars. 1982 The Vietnam Veterans Memorial was dedicated in Washington, DC. 1984 A libel suit against Time, Inc. by former Israeli Defense Minister Ariel Sharon went to trial in New York. 1986 U.S. President Ronald Reagan publicly acknowledged that the U.S. had sent "defensive weapons and spare parts" to Iran. He denied that the shipments were sent to free hostages, but that they had been sent to improve relations. 1994 Sweden voted to join the European Union. 1997 Iraq expelled six U.N. arms inspectors that were U.S. citizens. 1998 Monica Lewinsky signed a deal with St. Martin's Press for the North American rights to her story about her affair with U.S. President Bill Clinton. 2001 U.S. President George W. Bush signed an executive order that would allow for military tribunals to try any foreigners captured with connections to the terrorist attacks on the United States on September 11, 2001. It was the first time since World War II that a president had taken such action. 2006 A deal was finalized for Google Inc. to acquire YouTube for $1.65 million in Google stock. 2009 NASA announced that water had been discoved on the moon. The discovery came from the planned impact on the moon of the Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite (LCROSS). 2017 Do smiled. |
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