Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, May 18 ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Another Darwin Award due to digging in a sand dune __________________________________________________ On May 18 in 1994, Israel's three decades of occupation in the Gaza Strip ended as Israeli troops completed their withdrawal and Palestinian authorities took over. _____________________________________________________ The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling. --- Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914) After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.' --- Ronnie Shakes ____________________________________________________ "Top 10 Reasons Eve was Created" 10. Lord worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. Lord knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote. 8. Lord knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him. 7. Lord knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist or haircut appointment for himself. 6. Lord knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. Lord knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when Lord caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, it is not good for man to be alone! And finally, the number ONE reason that Lord created Eve... 1. When Lord finished the creation of Adam, she stepped back, scratched her head and said, "Hmmm... I can do better than that." ______________________________________________________ A couple invites a group of friends to dinner. As they sit down at the table, the wife turns to their 6-year-old daughter and says, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replies. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answers. The daughter bows her head and says, "Lord, why on earth did Dave invite all these mooches to dinner?" ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________ Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an un-sportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents." "Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat. "That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents." "Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark. "There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the in a sensitive area." "Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?" "Southern Methodist." "Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys." __________________________________________ A woman drove a minivan filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign. "Hey, lady," shouted a man in another car, "don't you know when to stop?" She rolled down her window and shouted back, "What makes you think these are all mine?" ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD AND DARWIN AWARD has been earned by Ian Spendlove, 13, Santa Clara, Coral Pink Sand Dunes State Park, Utah, USA Another Darwin Award due to digging in a sand dune Officials in Utah say a 13-year-old boy has died after a tunnel he dug in a sand dune at a state park collapsed with him inside. The incident occurred just after 5:30 p.m. Saturday outside a campground area at Coral Pink Sand Dunes State Park, the State Parks Division said Monday. A family member witnessed the collapse, and park staff members began helping digging for the boy, officials said. Deputies with the Kane County Sheriff's Office also arrived with shovels. Ian Spendlove, of Santa Clara, Utah, was located about 6 feet beneath the sand about 20 minutes after the collapse, authorities said. After responders confirmed the boy had a pulse, he was flown to a hospital in St. George and then to Salt Lake City. However, by Sunday, he had not regained brain function and was pronounced dead, the statement said. "The Utah Division of State Parks extends our condolences to Ian Spendlove's friends and family impacted by this tragedy," officials said. "The incident remains under investigation." Coral Pink Sand Dunes State Park is located in southwestern Utah near the Arizona border. The uniquely colored dunes, which come from Navajo sandstone, are estimated to be between 10,000 and 15,000 years old. Between 1985 and 2007, at least 20 children and young adults in the U.S. died in sand submersions, according to a letter from the doctors published in The New England Journal of Medicine. I have been there at least half a dozen times. There are always a bunch of people standing around taking pictures of the signs warning about the deadly digging. You can even rent sleds and sand boards for $25 per day. You can do just about anything, even use ATVs, just not digging. ___________________________________________________ Flying is simple business, if you get the rules correct. RULES OF THE AIR 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. 8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. 10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. 11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa. 12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. 13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. 14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made. 15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. 16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. 18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. 19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. 21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. 22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. 23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. 24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago. ___________________________________________________ if you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ Consider the man who couldn't make up his mind what to order, no matter how long and hard he studied the menu. Finally, he turned to the waiter for help. "Well," said the waiter, "today our special is chicken on a bed of wild rice with green beans almondine and a nice side salad, with a succulent shrimp cocktail and your choice of beverage and dessert." "That sounds great. How is your chicken prepared?" "We break it to him very gently and tell him it's nothing personal!" ____________________________________________________ Darryl Machum ___________________________________________________ A tiny but dignified old lady is attending an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery when one contemporary painting catches her eye. "What on earth is that?" she inquires of the artist, standing nearby. He smiles condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child." "Well, then," snaps the little old lady, "why isn't it?" ____________________________________________________ A two-engine train is on a cross-country run. After it goes some distance, one of the engines breaks down. "No problem," the engineer thinks, and carries on at half-power. Farther on down the line, the other engine breaks down, and the train comes to a standstill. The engineer decides he should inform the passengers about why the train has stopped, and makes the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane." ___________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Tracy Jedlicki was recently seen partying on Atlantic Avenue in Delray Beach while she awaits sentencing on federal offenses Tracy Jedlicki, 54, Delray Beach, Florida, USA Sentencing For Female Fraudster, Seven Bridges Homeowner, Delayed Convicted Federal Fraudster Tracy Jedlicki will now wait until July 21st to find out how much time shell spend in federal prison or if her guilty plea will result in a penalty that doesnt involve lockup. Her sentencing was originally set for today. As we first reported on April 28th, Jedlicki was indicted and later plead guilty to operating international boiler rooms. Her husband Jeffrey is named as a co-conspirator. He was convicted of a similar federal offense more than a decade ago and now faces 80 months in prison. Hes being held without bond. Prosecutors described the current crime with this official language Federal documents obtained by BocaNewsNow.com do not include a sentencing recommendation for Tracy Jedlicki, 54. The federal government, however, is confiscating her home valued at more than $1M. Prosecutors say it was obtained with ill gotten gains from the scam. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: HillarIE Re: Printer Dear Webby Not the evil one. I am HillarIE. At what printing volume should I change from ink to laser? Thanks HillarIE Dear HillarIE! If you print. Cheap 4 function ink squirters are good scanners and fax machines, but not really that good for printing. If you print a lot, then the ink bill will kill you, if you don't, ink will dry up in the jets and the ink bill will kill you. Considering how Lasers have come down in price, just get one and forget the ink squirter hassles. I got 17 years out of my DELL 1320c color laser, and now use a DELL-Lexmark 2425 color laser, that seems to be military grade. It is extremely heavy, uses cast iron instead of plastic, and is totally quiet. No HP style rocking and rolling, it just quietly spits out 20 or more pages per minute without any shaking or vibrating. Very impressive! Also impressive is that it prints double-sided. Unless you take the checkmark OFF the double sided setting, it cheerfully puts page 2 on the back ide of page 1. That is handy when printing long stuff, or if an invoice has a footer that would otherwise go onto a second piece of paper. Line up a STRONG helper to haul it in and set it up. It probably weighs more than you do! I was still in mourning for my good old DELL 1320c when I set this one up, so I was initially not very kind to it. However, that soon changed, and now I love it. Best printer I ever had! And it was the cheapest color laser Dell had on that day. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ How often have we heard that television watching can be detrimental? A pastor carried that message one Sunday morning in an impassioned sermon on the evils of TV. "It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said. He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done. "We put our TV away in the closet." "That's right," his wife muttered to the woman next to her, "and it gets awfully crowded in there!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ Consider the respected church leader who arrives in a large city to deliver a series of speeches. At a banquet the first evening, he notices some reporters in the audience. Because he wants to use some of the stories he tells that night in his talks the next day, the minister asks the reporters to omit them from their articles. Unfortunately, one newspaper had sent a cub reporter. In his story, he outlines the minister's talk. His final paragraph: "The minister also told a number of stories that cannot be printed." ______________________________________________ With more people traveling, the airlines seem to have more problems keeping passengers happy. At the end of one flight, however, one smiling, very satisfied fellow pauses to congratulate the flight attendant. "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time," he says. "It's not often anymore that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am." "Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answers, "but I think you should know -- this is yesterday's flight." ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Consider the man who told all his friends about a delicious steak dinner he'd eaten in a new restaurant the day before. The steak was big and picture-perfect, done to perfection. So a group of his friends decided to see if it was that good, and took the man along as their guest. Much to everyone's disappointment, the waiter brought the tiniest steaks they'd ever seen, overcooked and dry. "See here," the man said to the waiter. "I was in this restaurant yesterday and you served me a big juicy steak, and now today, when I've organized a party, you serve such a shriveled up, overcooked one." "Yes, sir," replied the waiter. "But yesterday you were sitting by the window." ___________________________________________________ | Today, May 18, in 1302, The weaver Peter de Coningk led a massacre of the Flemish oligarchs. 1642, Montreal, Canada, was founded. 1643, Queen Anne, the widow of Louis XIII, was granted sole and absolute power as regent by the Paris parliament, overriding the late king's will. 1652, In Rhode Island, a law was passed that made slavery illegal in North America. It was the first law of its kind. 1792, Russian troops invaded Poland. 1798, Benjamin Stoddert. the first Secretary of the U.S. Navy was appointed. 1802, Great Britain declared war on Napoleon's France. 1804, Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed emperor by the French Senate. 1828, Battle of Las Piedras ended the conflict between Uruguay and Brazil. 1896, The U.S. Supreme court upheld the "separate but equal" policy in the Plessy vs. Ferguson decision. The ruling was overturned 58 years later with Brown vs. Board of Education. 1897, A public reading of Bram Stoker's new novel, "Dracula, or, The Un-dead," was performed in London. 1917, The U.S. Congress passed the Selective Service act, which called up soldiers to fight in World War I. 1926, Evangelist Aimee Semple McPherson vanished while visiting a beach in Venice, CA. She reappeared a month later with the claim that she had been kidnapped. 1931, Japanese pilot Seiji Yoshihara crashed his plane in the Pacific Ocean while trying to be the first to cross the ocean nonstop. He was picked up seven hours later by a passing ship. 1933, The Tennessee Valley Authority was created. 1934, The U.S. Congress approved an act, known as the "Lindberg Act," that called for the death penalty in interstate kidnapping cases. 1942, New York ended night baseball games for the duration of World War II. 1944, Monte Cassino, Europe's oldest Monastic house, was finally captured by the Allies in Italy. 1951, The United Nations moved its headquarters to New York City. 1953, The first woman to fly faster than the speed of sound, Jacqueline Cochran, piloted an F-86 Sabrejet over California at an average speed of 652.337 miles-per-hour. 1974, India became the sixth nation to explode an atomic bomb. 1980, Mt. Saint Helens erupted in Washington state. 57 people were killed and 3 billion in damage was done. 1983, The U.S. Senate revised immigration laws and gave millions of illegal aliens legal status under an amnesty program. 1994, Israel's three decades of occupation in the Gaza Strip ended as Israeli troops completed their withdrawal and Palestinian authorities took over. 1998, The U.S. federal government and 20 states filed a sweeping antitrust case against Microsoft Corp., saying the computer software company had a "choke hold" on competitors which denied consumer choices by controlling 90% of the software market. 1998, U.S. federal officials arrested more than 130 people and seized $35 million. This was the end to an investigation of money laundering being done by a dozen Mexican banks and two drug-smuggling cartels. 2012, Facebook Inc. held its initial public offering and began trading on the NASDAQ. The company was valued at $104 billion making it the largest valuation to date for a newly listed public company. 2014, Russian President Putin signed a bill to steal and absorb Crimea into the Russian Federation. 2022 Do smiled. |
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