Good Morning, Do, Today is Thursday, March 15 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Police arrest burglar who crawled through attic space into neighbor's apartment Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, March 15 in 44 BC Roman Emperor Julius Caesar was assassinated by high ranking Roman Senators. The day is known as the "Ides of March." See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. [info][add][mail][note]Dave Barry (1947 - ) You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. --- Dave Barry _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to David for this story: "Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It ain't my fault, Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my dad. The reason I'm three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!" Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last Few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'" "'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!' He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'." "Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!" ______________________________________________________ At the candy store Judi had about 20 bags of candy. A smart-alek behind her in line told her: "You should push the air out of them. The candies might cost less if they don't have the weight of the air in them." So for a few minutes she let the air out of the bags. After she did that he told her it didn't really matter. It would have weighed the same. Judi was more confused than ever and said, "If having air in the bag doesn't weigh any more, then why does it make the bags look so fat?" I offered to squeeze her for a while, but she threw a bag at me. _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Barnegat, NJ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ Thanks to Barry for this story: A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? "Breast-fed,"she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doct or ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came." _____________________________________________________ Reported by the Bauselll Sailor: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Heather Jo Campbell, 46 Oklahoma City, Oklahoma Police arrest burglar who crawled through attic space into neighbor's apartment A bizarre burglary case in Oklahoma ended with an arrest Monday night after the suspect was found in her neighbor's closet, according to KFOR. The female who was inside one of the apartments went up into the attic, went to the other one and dropped down into the closet of the neighbor's residence and began trying to steal clothing out of there, said Master Sergeant, Gary Knight, with the Oklahoma City Police Department. Police arrested Heather Jo Campbell, 46, and discovered she had an active arrest warrant for another burglary from New Year's Day. Kelcie Proctor says her dad woke up early that morning to find a woman lying on the floor beside his bed. My dad assumed it was my brother's date. And so was like, 'What are you doing upstairs with me? Go downstairs with Kase,' said Proctor. Her dad and the woman walked downstairs. He even gave her a cup of coffee before she walked out the front door. And my dad basically goes, 'Hey, your date's leaving and Kase goes, 'What date, dad?' And at that point, they realized oh, this woman's not supposed to be in our house! said Proctor. That's when the family noticed several of their reusable shopping bags loaded down with stuff the woman had evidently intended to steal. Fried chicken, spices, toilet paper, bleach, what else. She had my used toothpaste, my shower caddy, my brother's old hoodies, said Proctor. Police were able to identify the suspect because she left her cell phone behind at the Proctor home. An arrest warrant was issued at that time but police had not been able to find her until the burglary at the apartments on Monday. Proctor is glad she is finally in custody. It's crazy that this woman has the audacity to just walk into people's houses while they're sleeping. It's scary. My story is funny, but it's terrifying, said Proctor. Proctor said Campbell did get away with her brother's laptop and some expensive headphones. Police say Campbell has multiple prior felony convictions, many of them for burglary. Tech Support Pits From: Linda Re: What to do about a scam? Dear Webby My friend shared your today's message with me. Delightful. She also suggested you might be able to answer a question for me. This morning I received a spam message from "someone" purporting to be "An American Soldier" but really it was spam (i.e. discovered some money in Iraq and needed help, etc.). It made me angry. Is there anyone I can send this spam message to and they can stop it?? Thank you. Linda face=Arial> Dear Linda That's just a 419 scam, also called "Nigerian scam" or "Advance Fee scam", and it has been going around since the first Iraq war. Unless you are willing to travel to Nigeria and take the law into your own hands, about all you can do is send it to the US Secret Service. US Secret Service Financial Crimes Division 950 H Street N.W. Suite 5300 Washington, DC 20223 Phone: (202) 406-5850 Fax: (202) 406-5031 [email protected] The Secret Service is not really doing anything about it, even though this scam costs Americans over 170 Million Dollars a year, but apparently they draw up neat charts showing how many more people fall for that same old scam each year. By the way, do NOT go to Nigeria to meet some good looking US General. He is dead. Somebody already fixed his wagon. However, the crooks still use his picture. Have FUN! DearWebby The Wrong Side of the Bed Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies." The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning, Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today." "Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you." But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day." "Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me." Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers. Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. At the Checkout counter of the discount department store where I was a cashier, customers frequently asked me under what circumstances items were returnable. One woman who came through my line must have been aware of store policy. She pointed to the lacy red-and-black negligee she was about to purchase. "May I bring this back if it doesn't work?" she asked. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Thanks to Sandie for this: If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 10,000 soldiers. The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 10,000 for the same period. That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq. Conclusion: If these statistics are true, the U.S. should pull out of Washington immediately. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Your Answering Machine for New Baby Info With a new baby, you can spend a lot of time fielding calls from family members when you would rather just be relaxing. One thing you can do is leave a message on your answering machine giving the baby's name, weight, gender, and it's date and time of birth. Ask people to leave a message so you can call them back at a later date. That way you can rest and they can get the information they want about your new arrival. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband to the photographer. She asked the photographer if he could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head he parted his hair on. "I forget," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat." | Artist arranges natural objects into ephemeral patterns and designs. |
___________________________________________________ It was young Anthony's first ride in a railway train, and the succession of wonders reduced him to a state of hysterical astonishment. The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its whistle, plunged into a tunnel. There were gasps of surprise from the corner where Anthony was kneeling on his seat. Suddenly the train rushed into broad daylight again, and a small voice lifted in wonder. "Wow! It's tomorrow!" exclaimed the small boy. ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, March 15 in 44 BC Roman Emperor Julius Caesar was assassinated by high ranking Roman Senators. The day is known as the "Ides of March." 1341 During the Hundred Years War, an alliance was signed between Roman Emperor Louis IV and France's Philip VI. 1493 Christopher Columbus returned to Spain after his first New World voyage. 1778 In command of two frigates, the Frenchman la Perouse sailed east from Botany Bay for the last lap of his voyage around the world. 1781 During the American Revolution, the Battle of Guilford Courthouse took place in North Carolina. British General Cornwallis' 1,900 soldiers defeated an American force of 4,400. 1862 General John Hunt Morgan began four days of raids near the city of Gallatin, TN. 1864 Red River Campaign began as the Union forces reach Alexandria, LA. 1875 The Roman Catholic Archbishop of New York, John McCloskey, was named the first American cardinal. 1877 The first cricket test between Australia and England was played in Melbourne. Australia won by 45 runs. 1892 New York State unveiled the new automatic ballot voting machine. 1892 Jesse W. Reno patented the Reno Inclined Elevator. It was the first escalator. 1901 German Chancellor von Bulow declared that an agreement between Russia and China over Manchuria would violate the Anglo-German accord of October 1900. 1902 In Boston, MA, 10,000 freight handlers went back to work after a weeklong strike. 1903 The British conquest of Nigeria was completed. 500,000 square miles were now controlled by the U.K. 1904 Three hundred Russians were killed as the Japanese shelled Port Arthur in Korea. 1907 In Finland, woman won their first seats in the Finnish Parliament. They took their seats on May 23. 1909 Italy proposed a European conference on the Balkans. 1910 Otto Kahn offered $500,000 for a family portrait by Dutch artist Frans Hals. Kahn had outbid J.P. Morgan for the work. 1916 U.S. President Woodrow Wilson sent 12,000 troops, under General Pershing, over the border of Mexico to pursue bandit Pancho Villa. The mission failed. 1917 Russian Czar Nicholas II abdicated himself and his son. His brother Grand Duke succeeded as czar. 1919 The American Legion was founded in Paris. 1922 Fuad I assumed the title of king of Egypt after the country gained nominal independence from Britain. 1934 Henry Ford restored the $5 a day wage. 1935 Joseph Goebbels, German Minister of Propaganda banned four Berlin newspapers. 1937 In Chicago, IL, the first blood bank to preserve blood for transfusion by refrigeration was established at the Cook County Hospital. 1938 Oil was discovered in Saudi Arabia. 1939 German forces occupied Bohemia and Moravia, and part of Czechoslovakia. 1944 Cassino, Italy, was destroyed by Allied bombing. 1946 British Premier Attlee offered India full independence after agreement on a constitution. 1949 Clothes rationing in Great Britain ended nearly four years after the end of World War II. 1951 General de Lattre demanded that Paris send him more troops for the fight in Vietnam. 1951 The Persian parliament voted to nationalize the oil industry. 1955 The U.S. Air Force unveiled a self-guided missile. 1960 Ten nations met in Geneva to discuss disarmament. 1960 The first underwater park was established as Key Largo Coral Reef Preserve. 1964 In Montreal, Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor were married. 1968 The U.S. mint halted the practice of buying and selling gold. 1977 The U.S. House of Representatives began a 90-day test to determine the feasibility of showing its sessions on television. 1982 Nicaragua's ruling junta proclaimed a month-long state of siege and suspended the nation's constitution for one day. This came a day after anti-government rebels destroyed two bridges near the Honduran border. 1985 In Brazil, two decades of military rule came to an end with the installation of a civilian government. 1989 The U.S. Food and Drug administration decided to impound all fruit imported from Chili after two cyanide-tainted grapes were found in Philadelphia, PA. 1989 The U.S. Department of Veteran's Affairs became the 14th Department in the President's Cabinet. 1990 In Iraq, British journalist Farzad Bazoft was hanged for spying. 1990 Mikhail Gorbachev was elected the first executive president of the Soviet Union. 1990 The Ford Explorer was introduced to the public. 1990 The Soviet parliament ruled that Lithuania's declaration of independence was invalid and that Soviet law was still in force in the Baltic republic. 1991 Four Los Angeles police officers were indicted in the beating of Rodney King on March 3, 1991. (California) 1991 Yugoslav President Borisav Jovic resigned after about a week of anit-communist protests. 1994 U.S. President Clinton extended the moratorium on nuclear testing until September of 1995. 1996 The aviation firm Fokker NV collapsed. 1998 More than 15,000 ethnic Albanians marched in Yugoslavia to demand independence for Kosovo. 2002 Libyan Abdel Baset Ali Mohmed Al-Megrahi began his life sentence in a Scottish jail for his role in the bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 on December 21, 1988. 2002 In the U.S., Burger King began selling a veggie burger. The event was billed as the first veggie burger to be sold nationally by a fast food chain. 2002 In Texas, Andrea Yates received a life sentence for drowning her five children on June 20, 2001. 2002 U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell told the Associated Press that the U.S. would stand by a 24-year pledge not to use nuclear arms against states that don't have them. 2018 Do smiled. |
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