| Good Morning, Do! Thanks Dani! Today is Saturday, May 27 That poll about a fixed cost for the Humor Letter was a total flop. 3 out of 10,000 would pay a dollar a month. That was embarrassing! So, forget THAT idea. ____________________________________________________ History: Today, May 27 in 1998, Michael Fortier was sentenced to 12 years in prison for not warning anyone about the plot to bomb an Oklahoma City federal building. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Father Killed, 2 Teens Injured When Grenade Explodes at Northwest Indiana Home _____________________________________________________ Q I go to the gym religiously. About twice a year around the holidays. --- Demetri Martin Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems. --- Rene Descartes (1596 - 1650) ______________________________________________________ A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'p-u-t' or 'p-u-t-t'?" she asked the instructor. "'P-u-t-t' is correct," he replied. "'P-u-t' means to place a thing where you want it. 'P-u-t-t' means a vain attempt to do the same thing." _____________________________________________________ A man goes to the doctor and tells him, "Doc, I'm having a really hard time controlling my bladder." The doctor says, "Get off my new carpet! Now!" ______________________________________________________ Nicobar Pigeon Jirawat Bousod ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been reported by Rock Porter County Indiana USA Father Killed, 2 Teens Injured When Grenade Explodes in Northwest Indiana Home A father was killed and his two teenage children were injured on Saturday evening when a hand grenade exploded in a home in northwest Indiana, according to sheriff's deputies. The Lake County Sheriff's Department said at around 6:30 p.m., deputies responded to a reported explosion at a home in 3400 block of West Lakeshore Drive in the Lakes of the Four Seasons subdivision. Family members were going through their grandfather's belongings when they found a hand grenade and someone reportedly pulled the pin, detonating the device, officials said. A man was found unresponsive at the scene and later pronounced dead. His two children, a 17-year-old boy and 18-year-old woman, sustained shrapnel wounds and were taken to an area hospital. As a precaution, the Porter County Bomb Squad was called to secure the area and search for any additional explosive devices, according to authorities. The incident remains under investigation by the Lake County Sheriff's Department's Crime Scene Investigations unit and homicide detectives. ___________________________________________________ A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'p-u-t' or 'p-u-t-t'?" she asked the instructor. "'P-u-t-t' is correct," he replied. "'P-u-t' means to place a thing where you want it. 'P-u-t-t' means a vain attempt to do the same thing." ___________________________________________________ A man goes to the doctor and tells him, "Doc, I'm having a really hard time controlling my bladder." The doctor says, "Get off my new carpet! Now!" ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Ann RE: What is better XLS or ODF? Dear Webby, More and more people are using Open Office or Libre Office, which is fine by me. What I am wondering about is whether Excel spreadsheets are better or whether Calc .odf spreadsheets are better. Ann Dear Ann Yes. Each one is better, if you are used to it. Both can get the work done. There is nothing, that one of them can't do, no matter what the propaganda says. CALC gets updated much more frequently, not just every 5 or ten years. Whenever somebody asks for or suggests something, they add it to CALC, test it and upload it. I have to admit, nowadays the updates are tiny and only affect very specific and rare user groups, and you will probably never notice them. Both spreadsheets are quite mature and don't need fixing. I use CALC, but often save as EXCEL format for other people. For example I use CALC for my glucose readings, but save them in XLSX format to upload to the Diabetic nurse. She is in Govt and so is using Microsoft Office and Excel. No problem at all. The menus and hot keys are slightly different, but accomplish the same. Just get used to one and don't worry about it. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ Having lost weight over the past few years, I was discarding things from my wardrobe that no longer fit. My seven-year-old niece was watching as I held up a huge pair of slacks. "Wow," I said. "I must have worn these when I was 183." My niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?" _____________________________________________ >From Ross Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasn't the greatest, so when i noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, "No". I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, "My wife use to love to come to these games until she died." "Why didn't you give this seat away to a friend?" I asked. He replied, "Because they are all at her funeral." ____________________________________________ There was this Lutheran minister who served a predominately German congregation for years. Pastor Heinz enjoyed telling Norwegian jokes from the pulpit, much to the delight of his flock. One year, Heinz was transferred to a predominately Norwegian congregation and the first Sunday, he told a typical joke from the pulpit. After the service a deacon approached and said that perhaps he should reconsider his choice of humor as some of the people may be offended. Pastor Heinz apologized, saying he would break this habit. One day, while reading his Bible, Heinz came across a story of the Amalekites and had an idea. He approached the Deacon and asked if he could tell an Amalekite joke. The Deacon said "I suppose that would be okay, I don't think we have any Amalekites in the congregation." Next Sunday, Pastor Heinz was getting into his sermon and said, "This reminds me of a funny story, seems there were these 2 Amalekites, Sven and Ole..." ___________________________________________________ Cemal Bardaki __________________________________________________ >from Rock in Massachusetts, First grade, Why did the first Thanksgiving last for 4 days? Little Johnny, "Because there was no Tupperware." _________________________________________________ Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end." The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes. The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours. The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?" "I wiped my ... hands on the drapes." ____________________________________________________ Today, May 27 in 1647, Alse Young (Achsah Young or Alice Young), a resident of Windsor, CT, was executed for being a "witch." It was the first recorded American execution of a "witch." 1668, Three colonists were expelled from Massachusetts for being Baptists. 1813, Americans captured Fort George, Canada. 1896, 255 people were killed in St. Louis, MO, when a tornado struck. 1901, The Edison Storage Battery Company was organized. 1907, The Bubonic Plague broke out in San Francisco. 1919, A U.S. Navy seaplane completed its first transatlantic flight. 1926, Bronze figures of Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer were erected in Hannibal, MO. 1929, Colonel Charles Lindbergh and Anne Spencer Murrow were married. 1931, Piccard and Knipfer made the first flight into the stratosphere, by balloon. 1933, Walt Disney's "Three Little Pigs" was first released. 1933, In the U.S., the Federal Securities Act was signed. The act required the registration of securities with the Federal Trade Commission. 1935, The U.S. Supreme Court declared that President Franklin Roosevelt's National Industrial Recovery Act was unconstitutional. 1937, In California, the Golden Gate Bridge was opened to pedestrian traffic. The bridge connected San Francisco and Marin County. 1941, U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt proclaimed an "unlimited national emergency" amid rising world tensions. 1941, The German battleship Bismarck was sunk by British naval and air forces. 2,300 people were killed. 1942, German General Erwin Rommel began a major offensive in Libya with his Afrika Korps. 1944, U.S. General MacArthur landed on Biak Island in New Guinea. 1960, A military coup overthrew the democratic government of Turkey. 1964, Indian Prime Minister Jawaharla Nehru died. 1968, After 48 years as coach of the Chicago Bears, George Halas retired. 1969, Construction of Walt Disney World began in Florida. 1977, George H. Willig was fined for scaling the World Trade Center in New York on May 26. He was fined $1.10. 1982, Japan announced the elimination of tariffs on 96 industrial goods. 1985, In Beijing, representatives of Britain and China exchanged instruments of ratification on the pact returning Hong Kong to the Chinese in 1997. 1986, Mel Fisher recovered a jar that contained 2,300 emeralds from the Spanish ship Atocha. The ship sank in the 17th century. 1988, The U.S. Senate ratified the INF treaty. The INF pact was the first arms-control agreement since the 1972 Strategic Arms Limitation Treaty (SALT I) to receive Senate approval. 1994, Nobel Prize-winning author Alexander Solzhenitsyn returned to Russia. He had been in exile for two decades. 1995, In Charlottesville, VA, Christopher Reeve was paralyzed after being thrown from his horse during a jumping event. 1996, Russian President Boris Yeltsin negotiated a cease-fire to the war in Chechnya in his first meeting with the leader of the rebels. 1997, The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the sexual harassment suit filed by Paula Jones could continue while President Clinton was in office. 1998, Michael Fortier was sentenced to 12 years in prison for not warning anyone about the plot to bomb an Oklahoma City federal building. 1999, In The Hague, Netherlands, a war crimes tribunal indicted Slobodan Milosevic and four others for atrocities in Kosovo. It was the first time that a sitting head of state had been charged with such a crime. 2010, Universal Studios reopened its backlot. The area had been destroyed by a fire two years before. 2023, Do smiled.
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