Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, May 28 ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Wife Beat Hubby Over watching porn on his phone ___________________________________________________ History 1998, Dr. Susan Terebey discovered a planet outside of our solar system with the use of photos taken by the Hubble Space Telescope. ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________________ The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79. --- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001) How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live. --- Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak. --- Jay Leno (1950 - ) __________________________________________________ There was the husband, for example, who was finishing breakfast when his wife said, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he answered indignantly, going out the door to the office. At 10 a.m., the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long- stemmed red roses. At 1 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!" ___________________________________________________ After she wakes up one morning, a woman tells her husband: "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," the husband replies. That evening, he comes home with a package and gives it to his wife. Delighted, she rips off the wrapping paper and opens the box. Inside she finds a book: "The Meaning of Dreams." ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Angela Davis, 30, Summerfield, Florida. USA Wife arrested for beating Hubby Over watching porn on his phone A Florida Woman is facing felony charges for allegedly beating her husband with a belt after she caught him watching pornography on his cell phone and masturbating, according to police. Angela Davis, 30, was arrested Tuesday morning following a confrontation with the 51-year-old victim at their home in Summerfield, a Central Florida community. Daviss husband told cops that he had gotten into a altercation with her after she interrupted his pleasure session. The victim said Davis became angry and asked to see his phone, and that he complied with her request. After Davis discovered some sort of communication between the victim and someone on the website Reddit, police reported, a verbal altercation ensued. The dispute subsequently turned violent, cops charge, after Davis wrapped a leather belt with a large metal buckle around her fist. The victim told cops that when he took out his phone to dial 911, Davis knocked the device from his hands and struck him several times with the belt on his arms and back. A patrolman reported observing several red marks across the back of the victim, as well as a large raised red lump on the mans arm that had very good detail and appeared to be the buckle of a belt. When questioned by police, Davis confirmed she had found the victim watching pornography on his cell phone and masturbating, and that she had gotten upset. Davis claimed to have struck her spouse with the belt to protect herself during a short struggle with the victim. Davis was arrested after investigators determined she was the incidents primary aggressor. Seen above, Davis was charged with aggravated battery and witness tampering, both felonies. She was freed from the Marion County jail after posting $1000 bond and is scheduled for arraignment on June 14. ___________________________________________________ A reclusive rancher looking for a way to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary is looking for advice. Enjoying breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, he and a longtime friend turn to how things used to be in "the good old days." "But about this 50th anniversary, Roy," his friend says. "Are you really gonna do something special?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replies. "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. For our 50th, I'll go down there and get her. ___________________________________________________ if you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ Did you hear about the first woman to smoke? Note ref: King James Gensis 24:64 And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Issac, she lighted off the camel. ____________________________________________________ Snap Dragons ___________________________________________________ A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Twelve o'clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says, "That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?" The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can. The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again, the pastor thinks, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can. The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and falls right into the water. While he's splashing around the first deacon turns to the second and says, "Think we should have told him where the tree stumps are?" ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Alice Re: What is Mint? Dear Webby, What is Linux Mint? Alice Dear Alice Linux is free. The original "Red Had", is like a MAGA hat, but it says LINUX. It is still available. It is the official, Deluxe, Linux, and even has support included. Pretty well the same, but without Support, is Cent-OS. You have probably seen pictures of server farms with rows upon rows of water cooled cabinets housing Millions of computers. They all run CentOS. We use CentOS on the Webby Servers. Then there are countless versions, that are customized for consumers. Some, like the MINT, that Ginger uses and loves, use a user interface like Windows XP, but with all the modern security features. Ginger's computer is an old VISTA klunker, that handles MINT quite nicely. Microsoft-DELL-HP-ACER hates that, of course. That is why W10 sandbags your W7 computer and sabotages it, so that you will toss it out and buy a brand new W10 machine. Instead, you could run Linux MINT on it, or any of the other versions of Linux. There are about as many flavors availaable, as there are cars. Ask around in your area and find a Penguin (Linux user), and ask what they like. Most of them are like recent religious converts, and will love to convert you. Instant friends! Might even get married! As far as I am concerned, it makes little difference which flavor of Linux you use. Just use whatever feels comfortable. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political differences. Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table. "You're lying!" he shouted. "Of course I'm lying," the other said, "but hear me out." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ Top ways to torment a telemarketer 10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." 9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my gosh! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, I shot the last one.....would you like to be my friend?" 6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips. 4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel! " Say goodbye and hang up. 2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" 1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY because you want to write EVERY WORD down. Now for MY OWN methods for dealing with telemarketers: a) "Send me an email. I am deaf. Send me an email. I am deaf. Send me an email. I am deaf." Click. b) I let my little Squeaky-Duck answer. "Squeeak Sqweeeeek Squeek-Squeek-Squeeeeek!!!" c) "Are youuu a TELEMARKETER?" in the tone and volume as if I had asked if he or she was a child molester. d) "Ma'am Go suck a billy goat!" e) "Calgary abnormal Psychiatry and Mind Reading, limited. You dialled the wrong number. Click. f) Click. ______________________________________________ A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in OshKosh, Wisconsin.." He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about human sexuality that tend to go around." "Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?" "Well", she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, its the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!" "Tonto!" the man says, "Tonto Goldstein! But my friends call me 'Bubba'! ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?" "Sure," Little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard, behind the bushes." ___________________________________________________ | Today, May 28, in 585 BC, A solar eclipse occurred that had been predicted by Thales Miletus. 585 BC, The Persian-Lydian battle ended. 1533, England's Archbishop declared the marriage of King Henry VIII to Anne Boleyn valid. 1805, Napoleon was crowned in Milan, Italy. 1863, The first black regiment left Boston to fight in the U.S. Civil War. 1892, The Sierra club was organized in San Francisco, CA. 1900, Britain annexed the Orange Free State. 1918, Azerbaijan declared independence. 1928, Chrysler Corporation merged with Dodge Brothers, Inc. 1929, Warner Brothers debuted "On With The Show" in New York City. It was the first all-color-talking picture. 1934, The Dionne quintuplets were born near Callender, Ontario, to Olivia and Elzire Dionne. The babies were the first quintuplets to survive infancy. 1937, U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt pushed a button in Washington, DC, signaling that vehicular traffic could cross the newly opened Golden Gate Bridge in California. 1940, During World War II, Belgium surrendered to Germany. 1953, The Walt Disney film "Melody" premiered in the Paramount Theatre in Hollywood. The picture was the first 3-D cartoon. 1957, National League club owners voted to allow the Brooklyn Dodgers to move to Los Angeles and that the New York Giants could move to San Francisco. 1961, Amnesty International, a human rights organization, was founded. 1976, The Peaceful Nuclear Explosion Treaty was signed, limiting any nuclear explosion, regardless of its purpose, to a yield of 150 kilotons. 1977, Fire raced through the Beverly Hills Supper Club in Southgate, KY. 165 people were killed. 1985, David Jacobsen, director of the American University Hospital in Beirut, Lebanon, was abducted by pro-Iranian kidnappers. He was freed 17 months later. 1987, Mathias Rust, a 19-year-old West German pilot, landed a private plane in Moscow's Red Square after evading Soviet air defenses. He was released August 3, 1988. 1995, An earthquake in the Russian town Neftegorsk killed at least 2000 people. It had a magnitude of 7.5. 1996, U.S. President Clinton's former business partners in the Whitewater land deal were convicted of fraud. 1998, Pakistan matched India with five nuclear test blasts. The U.S., Japan and other nations imposed economic sanctions. Pakistani Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif said "Today, we have settled the score with India." 1998, Dr. Susan Terebey discovered a planet outside of our solar system with the use of photos taken by the Hubble Space Telescope. 1999, In Milan, Italy, Leonardo de Vinci's "The Last Supper" was put back on display after more than 20 years of restoration work. 2002, Russia became a limited partner in NATO with the creation of the NATO-Russia Council. 2015, The Observatory at One World Trade Center officially opened. 2018, Coca-Cola launched Lemon-Do in Kyushu, Japan. The three fizzy lemon drinks ranged in alcohol content from 3- 8%. 2022 Do smiled. |
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