Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, May 22 ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Kentucky pediatrician allegedly tried to hire hitman to kill ex-husband ____________________________________________________ 1990, Microsoft released Windows 3.0. ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________ What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? --- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956) I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Efficiency is intelligent laziness. --- Socratex Feb 28, 1288 Scotland established this day as one when a woman could propose marriage to a man. In the event that he refused the proposal he was required to pay a fine. So half the unmarried men went into hiding. __________________________________________ Three guys, one Newfie, one Quebecois, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, thats three wishes in total," says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dads a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genies eye "poof" the oceans were teaming with fish. The Quebecker was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Quebec, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genies eye "poof" there was a huge wall around England. The Newfie asks, "Im very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting Quebec so that nothing can get in or out." The Newfie says, "Please Fill it up with screech and put a tap right HERE!" __________________________________________________ A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants." ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Stephanie Russel, 52, Kidzlife Pediatrics in Prospect, Kentucky, USA Kentucky pediatrician allegedly tried to hire hitman to kill ex-husband A Kentucky pediatrician has been arrested and charged with allegedly attempting to hire a hitman to kill her ex- husband, according to a news release from the U.S. Department of Justice. On May 15, 2022, Stephanie Russell, 52, contacted someone who she believed would carry out a hit on her ex-husband, according to court documents. The person she contacted was actually an undercover Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) employee to whom Russell allegedly promised to pay $7,000 in exchange for the hit, the DOJ said. Russell placed $3,500 inside a dropbox outside her medical office on May 18 and promised to pay the remaining balance once the hit was carried out. FBI agents arrested Russell on May 19 and booked her into the Oldham County Detention Center. Russell and her ex-husband filed for divorce in 2018 and had been in an ongoing custody battle before her arrest, according to local news media. She was employed at Kidzlife Pediatrics in Prospect, Kentucky, local news media reported. If convicted, Russell faces a maximum term of up to 10 years in federal prison with no parole, according to the DOJ. ___________________________________________________ From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any ol' person vote. --Age 10 Home is where the house is. --Age 6 I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he stinks. --Age 15 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6 My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10 I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. --Age 15 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? -Age 15 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15 ___________________________________________________ if you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ This letter was sent in response to Dr Laura's claim that homosexuality is an abomination because it's against the Bible. Dear Dr. Laura, Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. That used to be the end of debate! However, now that the pope is a homosexual and a communist, it gets rather confusing. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some specific laws and how to best follow them as a true believer. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this? Should I smite them? I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19- 24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify? I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to smite him myself or get him stoned? A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear prescription glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident that you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ After a two year-long study (at taxpayers expense), the Department of Defense announced the following results on the recreational preferences of military personnel: 1. The sport of choice for E-1, E-2 & E-3: Basketball. 2. The sport of choice for E- 4 & E-5: Bowling. 3. The sport of choice for E-6, E-7 & E-8: Football 4. The sport of choice for O-1, O-2 & O-3: Baseball or Softball 5. The sport of choice for O-4, O-5 & O-6: Tennis 6. The sport of choice for 0-7 and above: is Golf. Conclusion: the higher you are in the Chain of Command, the smaller your balls become. In the Pentagon they play with and frequently loose their marbles. ___________________________________________________ Consider the man driving with his 5-year-old daughter. In making a turn, he hits the horn by mistake. "I did that by accident," he says. "I know that, Daddy," she replies. "How'd you know?" "Because you didn't scream 'Frigging Jerk' afterward." ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Kathy Re: Weather Bug Dear Webby, eons ago, I had the outside temperature listed in my task bar.I want to say that it looked like a Lady Bug.If the outside temp.was going really high,it would start blinking. I want to say that it was called Weather ?????.Have you any info on this? Thanks for all of your years of helping us! I hope your eyes are doing better! Thanks, Kathy Dear Kathy The Weatherbug is at "Weatherbug Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ You have to make sure your words aren't ambiguous when you're dealing with youngsters. A fourth-grade teacher finds this out when she gives her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she says. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" Little Mary raises her hand. "To pull out all his savings?" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
Please donate a dollar,
or two, if you can afford it!
Please, help me stay online!
|
_____________________________________________ A man sentenced to prison was put in a cell with an older convict who had been there for many years. One day, they were talking about their pasts, and the old man said, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." "What happened?" his new cellmate asked. "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing." ______________________________________________ An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist, a large, imposing woman who was built like a wrestler. The man gave her his name, and in a bellowing voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?" The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation--and I'd like the same doctor that did yours." ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
A man comes home from work to find total mayhem. The kids are outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud and muck. Empty food boxes and wrappers litter the lawn. Inside, he finds an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room is strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp has been knocked over. The man heads up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He is worried that she might be ill or that something has happened to her. He finds her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looks up at him, smiles, and asks how his day went. He looks at her bewildered and ask, "what happened here today?" "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?" she says. "Yes," the man says. "Well, today I didn't do it." ___________________________________________________ | Today, May 22, in 1246, Henry Raspe was elected anti-king by the Rhenish prelates in France. 1455, King Henry VI was taken prisoner by the Yorkists at the Battle of St. Albans, during the War of the Roses. 1570, Abraham Ortelius published the first modern atlas in Belgium. 1819, The steamship Savannah became the first to cross the Atlantic Ocean. 1841, Henry Kennedy received a patent for the first reclining chair. 1859, The creator of "Sherlock Holmes," Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was born. 1868, Near Marshfield, IN, The "Great Train Robbery" took place. The robbery was worth $96,000 in cash, gold and bonds to the seven members of the Reno gang. 1882, The U.S. formally recognized Korea. 1891, The first public motion picture was given in Thomas Edison's lab. 1892, Dr. Washington Sheffield invented the toothpaste tube. 1900, The Associated Press was incorporated as a non-profit news cooperative in New York. 1900, A. DeVilbiss, Jr. patented his pendulum-type computing scale. 1900, Edwin S. Votey received a patent for the pianola (a pneumatic piano player). It could be attached to any piano. 1906, The Wright brothers received a patent their flying machine. 1939, Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini signed a military alliance between Germany and Italy known as the "Pact of Steel." 1947, The Truman Doctrine was enacted by the U.S. Congress to appropriate military and economic aid Turkey and Greece. 1955, A scheduled dance to be headlined by Fats Domino was canceled by police in Bridgeport, Connecticut because "rock and roll dances might be featured." 1969, A lunar module of Apollo 10 flew within nine miles of the moon's surface. The event was a rehearsal for the first lunar landing. 1972, U.S. President Nixon became the first U.S. president to visit Russia. He met with Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev. 1972, The island Ceylon adopted a new constitution and became the republic of Sri Lanka. 1977, Janet Guthrie set the fastest time of the second weekend of qualifying, becoming the first woman to earn a starting spot in the Indianapolis 500 since its inception in 1911. 1986, Sylvester Stallone agreed to a 10-picture, six-year deal with United Artists. He signed for a reported $15 million for each film. 1990, In the Middle East, North and South Yemen merged to become a single state known as the Republic of Yemen. 1990, Microsoft released Windows 3.0. 1997, Kelly Flinn, the U.S. Air Force's first female bomber pilot certified for combat, accepted a general discharge. She thereby avoided court-martial on charges of adultery, lying and disobeying an order. 1998, Bolivia was hit with a series of powerful earthquakes. At least 18 were killed. The quakes ranged in magnitude from 5.9 to 6.8. 1998, New information came to light about the June 1996 bombing that killed 19 American airmen. The information indicated that Saudi citizens had been responsible and not Iranians as once believed. 1998, Voters in Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland turned out to cast ballots giving approval to a Northern Ireland peace accord. 2002, Chandra Levy's remains were found in Washington, DC's Rock Creek Park. She was last seen on April 30, 2001. California Congressman Gary Condit was questioned in the case due to his relationship with Levy. 2002, In Birmingham, AL, a jury convicted former Ku Klux Klansman Bobby Frank Cherry of murder in the 1963 church bombing that killed four girls. 2012, In Japan, the Tokyo Skytree tower opened. 2020, Australian computer scientist report they had achieved the speed of 44.2 Terabits over a standard optical fiber. 2022 Do smiled. |
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Go to TOP
Well, Do , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
Please give a friend a subscription to the Humor Letter
If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name,
or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me.
I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly
from then on.
If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't
have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me.
I will gladly enter them for you and send them a confirmation request.
To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY or write to [email protected]
If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time,
then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription.
If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/sub.html
You can also UNsubscribe there.
If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter,
please unsubscribe by clicking the link below:
You are currently subscribed to the Regular HTML version with this address:
[email protected]
UNSUBSCRIBE from the regular HTMLversion Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter | . |
