| Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, May 6 ___________________________________________________ History: Today, May 6 1994, The Channel Tunnel officially opened. The tunnel under the English Channel links England and France. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award: Michigan men fly to Chicago airport with 44 pounds of fentanyl in checked bags _____________________________________________________ Q The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time. --- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900) For every person who wants to teach there are approximately thirty people who don't want to learn-- much. --- W. C. Sellar and R. J. Yeatman, _____________________________________________________ A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines. But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm. The handsome guy was thoroughly despondent. Turning to the bartender, he said: I don't get it. How did that guy walk out with those two when I can't even get a phone number? I dont know what his secret is, said the barman. But he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there, licking his eyebrows. ______________________________________________________ Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion. The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage. The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts." ______________________________________________________ From Ana _____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________________ Benign What you be after you be eight. Bacteria Back door to cafeteria. Barium What you do with dead folks. Catscan Searching for the cat. Coma A punctuation mark. Fester Quicker than someone else. Fibula A small lie. Hangnail What you hang your coat on. Labor Pain Getting hurt at work. Morbid A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates Cheaper than day rates. Secretion Hiding something. Tablet A small table to change babies on. Seizure Roman emperor. Terminal Illness Getting sick at the train station. Tumor More than one. Varicose Near by. ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending your paycheck on accessories for it. ____________________________________________________ A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian." ___________________________________________________ Said to a railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late. The reply from the railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule? ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Ovid RE: Voice mail Dear Webby, It seems more and more telemarketers are abusing my voice mail, especially the Dementos! How do you deal with them? Ovid Dear Ovid Yes, they are afraid I would tell them what to do to a Billy Goat, or squeak my rubber ducky at them. Voice mail is no problem for me. I have not checked it for six or more decades and guess it filled up a long time ago. When I hear the crackle that indicates a telemarketer used a robo-dialler to find a number, that is active, I click off. When a caller asks if I am DearWebby, or any of my names, then I know already that it is a telemarketer asking to be insulted. So I do. Have FUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband." __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ >From Bea My 5 year old son was playing and was busily building up a fort in the living room. I asked him how his fort was coming along and if he would like help making it. He said " It's not a fort mom, its a dog house!" I said " Honey we don't have a dog. " To which he immediately replied " Well I think its time we got one since we do have a dog house!" __________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD reported by Rock, has been earned by Jamire Hollingshed and Robert Lewis USA Michigan men fly to Chicago airport with 44 pounds of fentanyl in checked bags Two men were arrested at Midway Airport on Tuesday after they were caught with 44 pounds of fentanyl in their check bags, officials say. Jamire Holingshed, 26, and Robert Lewis, 24, both of Detroit, Michigan, were each charged with a drug- related felony. The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration has been investigating the men since they made a trip from Los Angles to Midway on April 13. DEA investigators determined the pair would be flying the same route on Tuesday and intercepted their checked bags upon arrival at Midway around 6 p.m. A Cook County Sheriff's K9 unit indicated that there were narcotics in the bags. Both men identified their luggage and gave officers permission to search them. The men each had one checked bag with 10 one-kilogram bricks of fentanyl wrapped in green plastic in them. The bricks were concealed in clothes in the suitcases. Officials say after the fentanyl was discovered, the men denied knowing each other and knowing about the drugs. Holingshed told officers someone paid him to bring the suitcase to Chicago. They were both charged with manufacturing and delivering more than 900 grams of fentanyl. Neither of the men have prior arrest records. Holingshed and Lewis appeared in bond court in Chicago on May 3. Judge Maryam Ahmad set bail for each defendant at $1,555,500. _____________________________________________________ Today, May 6 in 1527, German troops began sacking Rome, bringing about the end of the Renaissance. 1529, Babur defeated the Afghan Chiefs in the Battle of Ghagra, India. 1576, The peace treaty of Chastenoy ended the fifth war of religion. 1682, King Louis XIV moved his court to Versailles, France. 1835, James Gordon Bennett published the "New York Herald" for the first time. 1840, The first adhesive postage stamps went on sale in Great Britain. 1851, The mechanical refrigerator was patented by Dr. John Gorrie. 1851, Linus Yale patented the clock-type lock. 1861, Arkansas became the ninth state to secede from the Union. 1877, Chief Crazy Horse surrendered to U.S. troops in Nebraska. 1882, The U.S. Congress passed the Chinese Exclusion Act. The act barred Chinese immigrants from the U.S. for 10 years. 1889, The Universal Exposition opened in Paris, France, marking the dedication of the Eiffel Tower. Also at the exposition was the first automobile in Paris, the Mercedes-Benz. 1910, King Edward VII of England died. He was succeeded by his second son, George V. 1935, The Works Progress Administation began operations following an executive order signed by President Frankin D. Roosevelt. 1937, The German airship Hindenburg crashed and burned in Lakehurst, NJ. Thirty-six people were killed. The US had blocked the sale of Helium to Germany, forcing them to use flammable Hydrogen. The Germans, of course, blamed the burning of the Hindenburg, on foul play. The disaster was the end of transatlantic air ships and switched trafic to airplanes. 1941, Joseph Stalin assumed the Soviet premiership. 1942, During World War II, the Japanese seized control of the Philippines. About 15,000 Americans and Filipinos on Corregidor surrendered to the Japanese. 1945, Axis Sally made her final propaganda broadcast to Allied troops. 1946, The New York Yankees became the first major league baseball team to travel by plane. 1957, U.S. Senator John Fitzgerald Kennedy was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for his book "Profiles in Courage". 1959, The Pablo Picasso painting of a Dutch girl was sold for $154,000 in London. It was the highest price paid (at the time) for a painting by a living artist. 1960, Britain's Princess Margaret married Anthony Armstrong Jones. They were divorced in 1978. 1960, U.S. President Eisenhower signed the Civil Rights Act of 1960. 1962, The first nuclear warhead was fired from the Polaris submarine. 1981, A jury of international architects and sculptors unanimously selected Maya Ying Lin's entry for the design of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. 1994, The Channel Tunnel officially opened. The tunnel under the English Channel links England and France. 1994, Former Arkansas state worker Paula Jones filed suit against U.S. President Clinton. The case alleged that he had sexually harassed her in 1991. 1997, Army Staff Sgt. Delmar G. Simpson was sentenced to 25 years in prison for raping six trainees at Aberdeen Proving Ground in Maryland. 1997, Four health-care companies agreed to a settlement of $600 million to hemophiliacs who had contracted AIDS from tainted blood between 1978-1985. 1999, Britain's Labour Party won the largest number of seats in the first elections for Scotland's new Parliament and Wales' new Assembly. 1999, A parole board in New York voted to release Amy Fisher. She had been in jail for 7 years for shooting her lover's wife, Mary Jo Buttafuoco, in the face. 2001, Chandra Levy's parents reported her missing to police in Washington, DC. Levy's body was found on May 22, 2002 in Rock Creek Park. 2002, "Spider-Man" became the first movie to make more than $100 million in its first weekend. 2010, A computerized sell order triggered a "flash crash" on Wall Street. The Dow Jones industrials lost nearly 1,000 points in less than a half hour. 2020, New York City began nightly shut downs of its subway system to allow for additional cleaning and disenfecting of cars and stations due to the Covid-19 panedemic. 2023, Do smiled.
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