Good Morning, Do, Today is Monday, August 21 Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Woman caught snorting cocaine from iPhone screen in school parent pick-up line Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, Aug 21 in 1680 The Pueblo Indians drove the Spanish out and took possession of Santa Fe, NM. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer. --- Rita Mae Brown ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Just like there is supposedly a "Husband Store", Martin reports there also is a "Wives" store. In contrast: A new WIVES STORE opened across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, like to cook and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited. Nobody knows what is up there. ----------- I sure would like to find out where that store is! _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Actual statments from car insurance claims... (and they give these people drivers licenses, GEEZ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.' 'A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road.' 'Unfortunately our client does not accept your offer. He is extremely interested in keeping the vehicle and would thank you to consider a 'cash in loo' settlement.' 'The customer was reversing his car round a corner. He was concentrating so hard he backed straight into a signpost, denting his car. Fortunately he was in the right place. The signpost was outside a garage and read 'Free estimates for Accident Repairs'.' 'I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time.' 'I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.' Q: 'Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?' A: 'Travelled by bus?' 'I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind'. 'I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.' 'I was going down the car park ramp when I hit a giant plastic mouse' 'I was stationary at the junction when a Mini in front rolled back and wrote off my Volvo'. 'On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way.' 'On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.' 'The woman jumped onto a Zebra crossing in front of me.' 'Having checked the road was clear I pulled out when the motorcycle approached from nowhere and collided with my car.' 'Insured failed to observe end of pier and careened off into Irish Sea.' 'Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by my arms and the first slapped me several times across the face. I kneed the man in the groin but didn't connect properly so I kicked him in the shin.' 'Travelling along road and was hit by vehicle'. 'I hooted at the pedestrian but he stared at me.' A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were: Q - What warning was given by you? A -Horn Q - What warning was given by the other party? A - Moo 'On approaching roundabout I could see no vehicles coming from my right when suddenly the car in front braked and I hit him in the rear.' 'I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.' 'I was riding my motorbike under the influence of cannabis when I was chased by the police and stacked my bike.' 'I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight!' 'I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker.' 'Mr X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?' 'No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.' 'I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.' 'While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown money (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated request to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in 'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial.' Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: Watch the Marty Caine Show and listen to Terry Wogan. 'First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.' 'Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.' 'The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.' 'We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo.' 'I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.' 'Mr O'Leary had his springs attended to.' One policyholder, driving down a road, knocked over a pedestrian. The claim form revealed that the pedestrian's name was J Walker. 'I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it'. 'A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face'. 'A pedestrian hit me and went under my car'. 'I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.' 'I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.' 'The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.' 'I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the hood of my car!' 'The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.' 'The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when it struck the front end.' ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Christina Hester, 39, Fort Myers, Floriduh Woman caught snorting cocaine from iPhone screen in school parent pick-up line Christina Hester, 39, of Fort Myers, was arrested on Tuesday for allegedly snorting cocaine in her car in the parents' pick-up line at Lexington Middle School. A school resource officer said they witnessed Hester chopping up a white powdery substance on her iPhone screen using a credit card, according to a Lee County Sheriff's Office report. The report said she snorted the substance with a cut straw. The officer had her get out of the car and go up to his office, where he made the arrest. The officer field-tested the substance, which tested positive for cocaine. The total package weight was 0.5 grams. Hester is in custody on $6,500 bail, facing charges of cocaine possession and possession of drug paraphernalia. The make and model of her car were not listed in a sheriff's office report. It's not entirely clear whether she is the parent of a student at the school. The report said the Department of Children and Families was contacted. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Bruce Re: BCC Dear Webby, I receive forwarded e-mails with lots of valid addresses in them. I've been bugging people to cut and paste just the contents and to use BCC on e-mails. I contend that it will prevent lots of valid e-mail addresses from eventually being forwarded inadvertently to spammers. This doesn't always make me popular, because it's slightly more difficult. Am I just blowing smoke here? Thanks for the newsletter, Bruce Dear Bruce You are 100% right. Most of those silly forwards are just gullibility traps started by spammers. They want to harvest the most gullible newbies, so that they can sell their snake oil and fake Rolexes to them, and get them subscribed to Honest Abe's Stockmarket Tips. Have FUN! DearWebby Thanks to Ross for this classic! Emanuel Macron, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Macron!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ye!" "Well, Paddy," Macron replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Macron paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Macron, the war is stil on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Macron asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor," answers Paddy. Macron sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Macron, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boyos from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!" Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Macron! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Macron. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few jars of Guinness, and decided there is no damn way we can feed 200,000 prisoners." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Line Drying Clothing Tips and Tricks By andrea.henderso80 [3 Posts, 99 Comments] Using a clothesline outside or a drying rack inside can help save in more than one way. Drip or line drying saves on the electric bill because you aren't using the dryer as much or adding heat to the A/C load by using the dryer. It also saves your clothes because it won't shrink them or wear them out as fast and helps them stay bright and new looking longer. If you need to fluff them up a little or remove those stiff wrinkles, then while they are just a little bit damp, put them in the dryer on low heat with a couple of tennis balls for a little bit. Or after they are dry, put them in the dryer with a damp towel on low heat and again add tennis balls. You will be amazed! The combination of the low heat and a little dampness has a way of releasing wrinkles and the tennis balls add the fluff. You don't really need heat for fluffing your jeans or whatever. Just set the dryer to FLUFF, or DELICATE, no heat, add a tennis ball or smooth baby's sneaker, and they will fluff up quite nicely. Here it is almost always windy, so line drying takes all wrinkles out and it is very rarely that I have to use the dryer. I set up a clothes line on a reel from the porch to the garage. I can hang clothes even in the rain, while I am under the porch roof, and let the rain give the clothes an extra soft rinse. They will dry when the rain stops, then I pull the line and have the clothes come to me. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this story: Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? ___________________________________________________ | | Awesome video compiled by a storm chaser and music to go with the incredible video. 2017. |
___________________________________________________ Thanks to Ross for these stats: Doctors: (A) The number of doctors in the US is 700,000 (B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000 (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14% Statistics courtesy of the US Dept. of Health &Human Services Guns: (A) The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000 (yes that's 80 million) (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875% Statistics courtesy of the FBI So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do. FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A DOCTOR. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We should ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand! Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention. | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this story: A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!!!!!! ____________________________________________________ | Today, August 21, in 1680 The Pueblo Indians drove the Spanish out and took possession of Santa Fe, NM. 1831 Nat Turner, a former slave, led a violent insurrection in Virginia. He was later executed. 1841 A patent for venetian blinds was issued to John Hampton. 1878 The American Bar Association was formed by a group of lawyers, judges and law professors in Saratoga, NY. 1888 The adding machine was patented by William Burroughs. 1912 Arthur R. Eldred became the first American boy to become an Eagle Scout. It is the highest rank in the Boy Scouts of America. 1923 In Kalamazoo, Michigan, an ordinance was passed forbidding dancers from gazing into the eyes of their partner. 1943 Japan evacuated the Aleutian island of Kiaska. Kiaska had been the last North American foothold held by the Japanese. 1945 U.S. President Truman ended the Lend-Lease program that had shipped about $50 billion in aid to America's Allies during World War II. 1959 Hawaii became the 50th state. U.S. President Eisenhower also issued the order for the 50 star flag. 1963 In South Vietnam, martial law was declared. Army troops and police began to crackdown on the Buddhist anti-government protesters. 1989 Voyager 2, a U.S. space probe, got close to the Neptune moon called Triton. 1991 The hard-line coup against Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev ended. The uprising that led to the collapse was led by Russian federation President Boris Yeltsin. 1993 NASA lost contact with the Mars Observer spacecraft. The fate of the spacecraft is unknown. The mission cost $980 million. 1996 The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 was signed by U.S. President Clinton. The act made it easier to obtain and keep health insurance. 1997 Hudson Foods Inc. closed a plant in Nebraska after it had recalled 25 million pounds of ground beef that was potentially contaminated with E. coli 01557:H7. It was the largest food recall in U.S. history. 1997 Afghanistan suspended its embassy operations in the United States. 2002 In Pakistan, President General Pervez Musharraf unilaterally amended the Pakistani constitution. He extended his term in office and granted himself powers that included the right to dissolve parliament. 2003 In Ghana, businessman Gyude Bryant was selected to oversee the two-year power-sharing accord between Liberia's rebels and the government. The accord was planned to guide the country out of 14 years of civil war. 2017 Do smiled. |
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