Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, Sept 17 Chris L ! ___________________________________________________ Q With most men, unbelief in one thing springs from blind belief in another. --- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742 - 1799) The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. --- Solomon Short ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Mother Left Children In Sweltering Car Outside Walmart ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, Sept 15, in 1939, The Soviet Union invaded Poland. Germany had invaded Poland on September 1. The German action was used by England to start WWII. The Russian action caused England to invite Russia to the Allied forces. ____________________________________________________ Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded. The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really needs help. __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right attorney you could win anything! (see OJ trial) 1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little prick was Ms. Robertson's son. 2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps. 3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars. 4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. 7. And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail: Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not liable for the death of Mrs. Johnson's poodle after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for, "just a few minutes, on low." The case was quickly dismissed. -------- I don't know whether the above are true, or just typical. ___________________________________________________ A man who takes great pride in his lawn has a heavy crop of dandelions. After unsuccessfully trying every known way of getting rid of them, he writes to the Department of Agriculture enumerating all of the things he has tried. At the end of the letter, he asks, "What shall I do now?" In due course he receives the reply: "We suggest you learn to love them." --------------- Young dandelions make delicious salad! They look and taste like Arrigula, maybe a bit stronger. I love them with tiny flecks of onion and a few drops of Kraft Raspberry dressing. __________________________________________________ Shalinfar, smallest bird, India ___________________________________________________ Some wacky definitions. SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink. CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed. EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are. FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas or Alberta theater that isn't a western. MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue - or the most important part of a gun. COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the car. EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver. OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings. BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself." BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers. TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches. PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods. PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened. SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people yakking in chlorinated piss. SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut. TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity. ___________________________________________________ The owner of a small pizza parlor was being questioned by an IRS agent about his return on which he reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" he said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said. "We deliver." _____________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Cinderella Re: UNinsrtaller Dear Webby A few years ago you mentioned a program, that will do a clean UNinstall of stuff, that has become a nuisance or is no longer needed. What is that program, and where do you hide it? Cinderella Dear Cinderella Try the Revo Uninstaller at Revo It has been around since the days, when you were still jail bait, and it still works great. Have FUN! DearWebby ________________________________________________ Consider the proud mother trying to get a graduation-day picture of her son in cap and gown with his father. "I want a good picture, so try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder." "If you want it to look natural," the father said, "why not have him put his hand in my pocket?" ___________________________________________________ It's hard to resist logical argument. Take, for example, the persuasiveness of Corporal Jones, who was assigned to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Corporal Jones was having a staggeringly high success rate. He was selling insurance to nearly all of the recruits he advised. Curious, the captain stood in the back of the room one day and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000." "Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?" ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Consider the fellow who sits down for a true-false exam, puzzles over it for a few minutes, then pulls a coin out of his pocket. He flips it, marks the exam, flips it again, makes another mark and continues flipping until he answers all the questions. The student finishes in about 30 minutes while the rest of the class is still sweating it out. The instructor watches him go through the exercise, thinking the law of averages would dictate that the student should get half the answers correct. Then he is surprised to see the fellow start to flip the coin again, this time furiously. "What's going on?" the teacher asks. "I wasn't all that sure of all my answers," the student says, "so I thought I ought to recheck them." _______________________________________________ A Bonehead award has been reported by Rock Nyakobo Mar, 30, St. Petersburg, Florida, USA Mother Left Children In Sweltering Car Outside Walmart After being arrested for leaving her two children alone yesterday in a locked, sweltering vehicle outside a Walmart store, a woman asked cops to turn up the air conditioning in the patrol car taking her to jail for child abuse, investigators report. Police say the victims--ages three and six--were left in the vehicle without the engine running, windows closed, and parked in the sun on black asphalt, according to criminal complaints which note the temperature outside the St. Petersburg, Florida store was 91 degrees. The children had been in the car for more than 20 minutes before fire and rescue personnel arrived. At that time, Nyakobo Mar, 30, returned to her auto and was subsequently arrested on a pair of felony child abuse counts. She was also charged with resisting, a misdemeanor, for allegedly struggling with cops who sought to handcuff her. Mar, police say, did not show concern for" either childs health, but did ask for air conditioner in the cruiser to be turned up for herself. The children were transported to a local hospital for treatment. Child welfare officials were contacted since there are no family or friends in the area. Mar has recently resided in Minnesota. Seen above, Mar did admit post-Miranda to this offense on video, reported Officer Derrin Knoop. Mar, who is scheduled for a court appearance today, is being held in the county jail in lieu of $20,500 bond. __________________________________________________ History Today Sept 17, in 1394, In France, Charles VI published an ordinance that expelled all Jews from France. 1778, The United States signed its first treaty with a Native American tribe, the Delaware Nation. 1787, The Constitution of the United States of America was signed by delegates at the Constitutional Convention. 1796, U.S. President George Washington's Farewell Address was read before the U.S. Congress. 1862, The Battle of Antietam took place during the American Civil War. More than 23,000 men were killed, wounded, or missing. The Rebel advance was ended with heavy losses to both armies. 1872, Phillip W. Pratt patented a version of the sprinkler system. 1911, The first transcontinental airplane flight started. It took C.P. Rogers 82 hours to fly from New York City to Pasadena, CA. 1930, Construction on Boulder Dam, later renamed Hoover Dam, began in Black Canyon, near Las Vegas, NV. 1932, Sir Malcolm Campbell set a speed record when he reached 276.27 mph over a half mile. 1937, At Mount Rushmore, Abraham Lincoln's face was dedicated. 1939, The Soviet Union invaded Poland. Germany had invaded Poland on September 1. The German action was used by England to start WWII. The Russian action caused England to invite Russia to the Allied forces. 1944, Operation "Market Garden" was launched by Allied paratroopers during World War II. The landing point was behind German lines in the Netherlands. 1947, The first U.S. Secretary of Defense, James V. Forrestal, was sworn in to office. 1953, The Ochsner Foundation Hospital in New Orleans, LA, successfully separated Siamese twins. Carolyn Anne and Catherine Anne Mouton were connected at the waist when born. 1962, U.S. space officials announced the selection of Neil A. Armstrong and eight others as new astronauts. 1965, "Hogan's Heroes" debuted on CBS-TV. 1966, "Mission Impossible" premiered on CBS-TV. 1972, "M*A*S*H" premiered on CBS-TV. 1976, NASA unveiled the space shuttle Enterprise in Palmdale, CA. 1984, 9,706 immigrants became naturalized citizens when they were sworn in by U.S. Vice-President George Bush in Miami, FL. It was the largest group to become U.S. citizens. 1984, Gordon P. Getty was named the richest person in the U.S. His fortune was $4.1 billion. 1988, Lt. Gen. Prosper Avril declared himself president of Haiti after President Henri Hamphy was ousted. 1991, The United Nations General Assembly opened its 46th session. The new members were Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, North and South Korea, Micronesia and the Marshall Islands. 1992, Lawrence Walsh called a halt to his probe of the Iran- Contra scandal. The investigation had lasted 5 1/2 years. 1995, Hong Kong held its last legislative election before being returned to China in 1997. 1997, Northern Ireland's main Protestant party joined in peace talks. It was the first time that all of the major players had come together. 1998, The United States government offered a reward for the capture of Haroun Fazil for his role in the U.S. bombing in Kenya on August 7, 1998. 1998, The U.S. announced a plan that would compensate victims in the Kenya and Tanzania U.S. Embassy bombings on August 7, 1998. 2023, Do smiled.
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