Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, October 12 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! Thank you Norm! I really appreciate your help! home4christmas.com is for sale! Make an offer! $50 minimum. You can use it for anything you want. Have FUN! Dearwebby Today's Bonehead Award: Naked Tweaker Desecrated A Baptismal Font ______________________________________________________ Today, October 12 in 1492 Christopher Columbus, an Italian explorer, sighted Watling Island in the Bahamas. He believed that he had found Asia while attempting to find a Western ocean route to India. The same day he claimed the land for Isabella and Ferdinand of Spain. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it. --- Mary Chase (1887 - 1973), Dream as if you'll live forever; Live as if you'll die today. --- James Dean ______________________________________________________ Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!" "IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom. WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!!! ____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Vickey for this story: This cowboy was out looking for a job one day. He stopped at a ranchers house to ask the rancher for a job. This rancher looks over the cowboy and thinks to himself, "Waal, he looks ok, 10 gallon hat, denim shirt, denim pants but he's wearing tennis shoes. Guess I'll see what he can do." So the rancher tells the cowboy. "OK, let's see what you can do. Go rope that calf over there and brand it." The cowboy has the calf branded before the little doggie knows what hit him. Well, the rancher is a bit impressed but still not too sure so he gives him another test. "Now break that there bronc", he points to a wild looking stallion in a corral. This cowboy saddles, and rides the bronc, wildest ride you've ever seen. After 5 minutes the bronc is so tired he settles down and the cowboy hand the rancher a tame horse. This rancher is IMPRESSED now. "OK, son you got the job. There's just one question I gotta ask you. You rope and ride real well and you look mostly like a cowboy except for them tennis shoes. Why don't you wear cowboy boots instead of tennis shoes?" The cowboy looks the rancher in the eye and says, "I would wear cowboy boots, but then people would think I was a gay trucker!" _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Boudreaux and Rodrigue are out in one of Louisiana's Cajun country swamps when Rodrigue falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. Boudreaux takes out his cell phone and calls 911 for help. "My friend is dead. He jus' pass out. What can I do?" The operator says in a calm soothing voice, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a long silence, then the operator hears a shot. Boudreaux's voice comes back on the line. "Otay," he says. "Now what?" ______________________________________________________ Appalachian Mountains, NC _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Zachary Burdick, 21, Mandan, North Dakota Naked Tweaker Desecrated A Baptismal Font A North Dakota man tweaking on meth yesterday stripped off his clothes and went into a church's baptismal font before emerging to walk toward the altar while masturbating, an affront witnessed by 75 individuals attending mass, according to a probable cause affidavit. The 9 AM mass Tuesday at Spirit of Life Church was interrupted when Zachary Burdick, 21, appeared in the entryway of the Roman Catholic church in Mandan, a city about five miles from Bismarck. A female church employee called police after Burdick disrobed and entered the font, where he was masturbating facing the altar. Burdick, she added, then began walking down the aisle toward the altar while still masturbating. Witness Darrell Kilzer, 68, told police that Burdick began to splash around in the Holy Water fountain. Kilzer added that Burdick later entered the sanctuary with his 'machinery' hanging out and was 'pumping' himself. Father Todd Kreitinger, who was conducting mass when Burdick arrived, said that the intruder dipped his rear-end into the Holy Water fountain and splashed around a bit before entering the sanctuary while masturbating. The priest added that the font would have to be cleaned and sanitized, a process that would cost the church about $500. When confronted by police, Burdick reportedly said that he was tweaking on meth and admitted to using hashish oil. Burdick, Officer Nicholas Pynnonen reported, appeared to be under drug influence. When the patrolman noted that he could not masturbate in public, Burdick replied, Especially in church. Burdick then reportedly declared that he was trying to bust a nut inside the church. Burdick was charged with felony indecent exposure and disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor. He made his initial appearance this afternoon in Morton County District Court. While often a misdemeanor, Burdick's alleged indecent exposure was charged as a felony because it occurred within 50 feet of where private religious instruction is given to children aged 3- 9. No children attending the church's educational program saw Burdick's antics, however. From: Carolyn Re: Thumbnails to save disk space Dear Webby I have heard that it takes a lot of space on my computer to have pictures of family and friends in folders and that I should make thumbnails instead. Is this true? Thanks. I enjoy your Humor Letter very much. Carolyn Dear Carolyn Whoever told you that nonsense, should be put on a strict diet of Smarties, and should not allowed out of the funny farm without competent supervision. There is probably a lot of useless stuff on your computer, that can be dumped, and replaced if needed. However, pictures of your friends and family can not be replaced. They have more rights to be on your computer and on your back-up than ANY of the replaceable crap. Especially silly games that can be downloaded again. You can always get a second hard drive cheap. But pictures of friends and relatives are not replaceable. I make thumbnails IN ADDITION to the regular size pictures, to make menuing and sorting easier, but I never reduce good pictures to thumbnail size without also keeping them in original or at least regular size. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks. When you step on a duck, they all start quacking and make one hell of a racket." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse manure, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The Salesman says, "why do you ask?" She says, "They have the electricity turned off, because I have not paid for three months and called them a bunch of @#$%^&*." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Store Extra Measuring Cups with Ingredients I have extra measuring cups and spoons and I put the appropriate measure into the container for items like flours, sugars, oatmeal, etc., and leave them there. Saves time and washing, and extra mess because I can keep the bowls over the container while measuring. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ | | The Shirk Report for Friday |
___________________________________________________ A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident. She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am. How may I help you today?" Very uncomfortable she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady, you farted just touching it. You're gonna really mess your drawers when you hear the price." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Sammy, a little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," Sammy responded immediately. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," Sammy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." | Today October 12 in 1492 Christopher Columbus, an Italian explorer, sighted Watling Island in the Bahamas. He believed that he had found Asia while attempting to find a Western ocean route to India. The same day he claimed the land for Isabella and Ferdinand of Spain. 1792 The first monument honoring Christopher Columbus was dedicated in Baltimore, MD. 1810 Bavarian Crown Prince Ludwig married Princess Therese of Saxony-Hildburghausen. The royalty invited the public to attend the event which became an annual celebration that later became known as Oktoberfest. 1892 In celebration of the 400th anniversary of the Columbus landing the original version of the Pledge of Allegiance was first recited in public schools. 1915 Former U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt criticized U.S. citizens who identified themselves by dual nationalities. 1920 Construction of the Holland Tunnel began. It opened on November 13, 1927. The tunnel links Jersey City, NJ and New York City, NY. 1933 The U.S. Department of Justice acquired Alcatraz Island from the U.S. Army. 1942 During World War II, Attorney General Francis Biddle announced that Italian nationals in the United States would no longer be considered enemy aliens. 1960 Soviet premier Nikita Khrushchev pounded a shoe on his desk during a dispute at a U.N. General Assembly. 1964 The Soviet Union launched Voskhod 1 into orbit around the Earth. It was the first space flight to have a multi-person crew and the first flight to be performed without space suits. 1972 During the Vietnam War, a racial brawl broke out aboard the U.S. aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. Nearly 50 sailors were injured. 1976 China announced that Hua Guo-feng was named to succeed the late Mao Tse-tung as chairman of the Communist Party. 1988 Federal prosecutors announced that the Sundstrand Corp. would pay $115 million dollars to settle with the Pentagon for overbilling airplane parts over a five-year period. 1989 The U.S. House of Representatives approved a statutory federal ban on the destruction of the American flag. 1994 Haitian military leader Raoul Cedras was granted political asylum by Panama. 1994 The Magellan space probe ended its four-year mission to Venus for the purpose of mapping. 1997 The St. Francis Basilica and 15th-century bell tower above Foligno city hall in Italy were damaged by 3 earthquakes. 1998 The U.S. House of Representatives passed the Online Copyright Bill. 1999 In Pakistan, Pervez Musharraf seized power in a bloodless coup that toppled Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif. The Supreme Court ruled that the coup was legal but insisted that a civilian government be restored within three years. 2001 A special episode of America's Most Wanted was aired that focused on 22 wanted terrorists. The show was specifically requested by U.S. President George W. Bush. 2006 The Dow Jones industrial average advanced over 11,900 for the first time. 2015 It was announced that Dell was buying EMC for around $67 billion. 2018 Do smiled. |
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