Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, November 10 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Today's Bonehead Award: Tennessee pastor tackles suspect who pulled out gun during church service ___________________________________________________ Today, November 10 in 1993 John Wayne Bobbitt was acquitted on the charge of marital sexual assault against his wife who sexually mutilated him. Lorena Bobbitt was later acquitted of malicious wounding her husband. ____________________________________________________ Equations are the devil's sentences. --- Stephen Colbert Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. --- Miss Piggy A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B. --- "Fats" Domino If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? --- Will Rogers (1879-1935) ____________________________________________________ The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed. "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, 'Get behind me, Satan!'" "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks great from this angle, too.'" ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money." ____________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Dezire Baganda, 26, Nashville, Tennessee, USA Tennessee pastor tackles suspect who pulled out gun during church service A quick-thinking pastor in Nashville and a handful of congregants managed to tackle and disarm a suspect police said brandished a firearm during a Sunday morning service. The dramatic scene played out inside Nashville Light Mission Pentecostal Church on West Trinity Lane, Fox 17 Nashville reported. Police in the city said Dezire Baganda, 26, who was seated toward the front of the church, took out the firearm and told members to get out of their seats. The pastor was at the altar praying with congregants, but then quickly tackled the suspect, police said. Other members inside the church reportedly sat on him and helped the pastor hold the suspect in place until police arrived. No shots were fired. Baganda, who was reportedly not a member of the church, was subsequently charged with15 counts of felony aggravated assault. Bond was set at $375,000, the Fox report said. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ From: Maryellen Re: Printing color shaded cells Dear Webby I am trying to print some cells in a spreadsheet with a color shade, conditional to the content. I used to be able to do that wih my DELL printer, but not with my Lexmark. My teacher claims that is a "known problem when people use Open Office instead of Excel", but I know, she is not very bright. What is the real problem, aside from the bimbo? Thanks Maryellen Dear Maryellen It is not the spreadsheet, but the printer. You can even save the spreadsheet in HTML format, and you will still have the same issue. You have to go into the printer settings, and way down to the bottom, and there tell it to print "Page Backgrounds". Then it will suddenly print conditional shaded cell backgrounds, like for example a highlighter colored cell background, IF the contents are negative, or above a certain value. It makes absolutely no difference whether you use Excel or Open Office CALC. Have FUN! DearWebby | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!" ______________________________________________ The Ark was not metric, and neither are two-by-fours. America is a free country and we are going to keep using British Imperial measurements whether the rest of the world likes it or not. ------------ I shudder to think about your hard drive be sized in furlongs or cubits! ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
A man was invited for dinner at a friends house. Every time the host needed something, he precede his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "that's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." "Well, to tell you the real truth," the host whispered, "I've forgotten her name." ___________________________________________________ | Today, November 10, in 1775 The U.S. Marines were organized under authority of the Continental Congress. The Marines went out of existence after the end of the Revolutionary War in April of 1783. The Marine Corps were formally re-established on July 11, 1798. This day is observed as the birth date of the United States Marine Corps. 1801 The U.S. state of Tennessee outlawed the practice of dueling. 1871 Henry M. Stanley, journalist and explorer, found David Livingstone. Livingstone was a missing Scottish missionary in central Africa. Stanley delivered his famous greeting: "Dr. Livingstone, I presume?" 1879 Western Union and the National Bell Telephone Company reached a settlement over various telephone patents. 1917 41 suffragists were arrested in front of the White House. 1919 The American Legion held its first national convention, in Minneapolis, MN. 1928 Michinomiya Hirohito was enthroned as Emperor of Japan. 1951 Direct-dial, coast-to-coast telephone service began when Mayor M. Leslie Denning of Englewood, NJ, called his counterpart in Alameda, CA. 1954 The Iwo Jima Memorial was dedicated in Arlington, VA. 1957 102,368 people attended the San Francisco 49ers and Los Angeles Rams game. The crowd was the largest regular-season crowd in NFL history. 1969 "Sesame Street" made its debut on PBS. 1970 The Great Wall of China opened for tourism. 1975 The U.N. General Assembly approved a resolution that equated Zionism with racism. The resolution was repealed in December of 1991. 1975 The Edmund Fitzgerald, an ore-hauling ship, and its crew of 29 vanished during a storm in Lake Superior. 1976 The Utah Supreme Court gave approval for Gary Gilmore to be executed, according to his wishes. The convicted murderer was put to death the following January. 1977 The Major Indoor Soccer League was officially organized in New York City. (New York) 1980 CBS News anchor Dan Rather claimed he had been kidnapped in a cab. It turned out that Rather had refused to pay the cab fare. 1982 Soviet leader Leonid I. Brezhnev died of a heart attack at age 75. He was suceeded by Yuri V. Andropov. 1982 In Washington, DC, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial was opened to visitors. 1986 Camille Sontag and Marcel Coudari, two Frenchmen were released by the captors that held them in Lebanon. 1988 The U.S. Department of Energy announced that Texas would be the home of the atom-smashing super-collider. The project was cancelled by a vote of the U.S. Congress in Oct. 1993. 1990 Chandra Shekhar was sworn in as India's new prime minister. 1991 Robert Maxwell was buried in Israel, five days after his body was recovered off the Canary Islands. 1993 John Wayne Bobbitt was acquitted on the charge of marital sexual assault against his wife who sexually mutilated him. Lorena Bobbitt was later acquitted of malicious wounding her husband. 1993 The U.S. House of Representatives passed the Brady Bill, which called for a five-day waiting period for handgun purchases. 1994 U.S. officials announced that it planned to stop enforcing the arms embargo against the Bosnian government the following week. The U.N. Security Council was opposed to lifting the ban. 1994 Iraq recognized Kuwait's borders in the hope that the action would end trade sanctions. 1995 Nigeria's military rulers hanged playwright Ken Saro- Wiwa along with several other anti-government activists. 1995 In Katmandu, Nepal, searchers rescued 549 hikers after a massive avalanche struck the Himalayan foothills. The disaster left 24 tourists and 32 Nepalese dead. 1997 WorldCom Inc. acquired MCI Communication Corporation. It was the largest merger in U.S. history valued at $37 billion. 1997 A jury in Virginia convicted Mir Aimal Kasi of the murder of two CIA employees in 1993. 1997 A judge in Cambridge, MA, reduced Louise Woodward's murder conviction to manslaughter and sentenced the English au pair to time served. She had served 279 days in the death of 8-month-old Matthew Eappen. 1998 At the White House, "The Virtual Wall" website (www.thevirtualwall.org) was unveiled. The site allows visitors to experience The Wall through the Internet. 2001 The World Trade Organization approved China's membership. 2004 Yusuf Islam (formerly known as Cat Stevens) was awarded the "Man for Peace" prize in Rome at the opening of a meeting of Nobel Peace Prize laureates. 2021 Do smiled. |
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