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___________________________________________________ History: on this day, November 17, in 1913, The steamship Louise became the first ship to travel through the Panama Canal. ____________________________________________________ Bonehed Award: Immigrant found guilty of attempted murder in Kane County _____________________________________________________ Q A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know. --- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956) A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds. --- Sir Francis Bacon (1561 - 1626) ____________________________________________________ The preacher spent his whole sermon relating the evils of sin and how all men are sinners with no exceptions. At the end of the sermon he asked rhetorically, "Now does anyone here think they are without sin?" He had only to wait a few seconds before a man in one of the back pews stood up. The pastor asked the man who had the audacity to stand after such a fiery sermon, "Sir, do you really think you are completely without sin?" The man quickly answered, "No sir, I'm not standing up for myself, but for my wife's first husband." __________________________________________________ Reported by Rock: An International Bonehead Award has been earned by Enrique B. Jaquez, 43, Illinois, USA Immigrant found guilty of attempted murder in Kane County A Kane County jury has found a Montgomery man guilty of multiple charges including attempted murder. A news release from the Kane County State's Attorney's Office says the jury took about one and half hours to decide on a guilty verdict for 43-year-old Enrique B. Jaquez, of Montgomery. Prosecutors say that Jaquez forced his way into the home of a former girlfriend in Brighton Circle in Aurora in March of 2015 and then shot the woman's current boyfriend in the back as he tried to escape. Jaquez then fled the home. The victim remained in intensive care for several days. Jaquez was picked up by police in September of 2018 while trying to enter the United States from Mexico. Sentencing for Jaquez will be in December. He faces a minimum sentence of 31 years according to the state's attorney's office. ___________________________________________________ Croatia ___________________________________________________ An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer. Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began to sniff. The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?" "Why, yes, I do," he replied. "What does it smell like?" "Hmmm, I'm not sure, ...... but it smells like a pine tree fell on an outhouse." ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ >From Francia Please add my thanks to your list of folks who are grateful for the efforts you make to entertain us. I for one am getting old; I have heard just about everything, but I like and appreciate humor which is neither obscene nor sick/cruel. You are able to find humor such as I appreciate. And, your sharing it with all of us is a bright point in my day! Francia ____________________________________________________ How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson Aig - what a hen lays Aints - He's got aints in his paints Paints - what cha put on your laigs of a mornin Arn - Ma's tard of arnin Bag - He bagged her to marry him Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won. Bub - the light bub burned out Cheer - what you set in Crick - a small stream Clum - he sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon Chiny - country over in Asia Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes Core - He got hisself a new Ford core Cyow - Animal on Farm Deppity - He helps out the shurf Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt Dainz - Satidy night social Ellum - A graceful tree Fanger - what you put your rang on Faince - Whats round the hawg lot Far - what get the brandin arn hot Furred - He got furred from his job Flar - a rose is a purdy flar Frash - them aigs ain't frash Furiners - All non-'bamans Further - hits ten miles further to town Grain - She was grain with envy Hail - where bad folks go Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n Hilbilly - People in the next county Hollar - whats between the hills Hard- got a brend new hard hand Tar - his core blew a tar Laymun - a sour fruit Laig - Most folks have two of them Lather - what you climb up Liberry - where you go to check out books for larnin Mailk - what you get from cyows Mere - what you see your self in Minners - Live bait Misrus - Married Woman Nar - Opposite of wide Nayk - Your head sets on it Nup - NO Orrel - Them hinges need orrel Ormy - What the sojers go in Pank - a light red color Parch - sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow Petition - What separate the rooms Poke - a paper bag or sack Pokey - what the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke Salit -a green vegetable Puppet - what the preacher is in Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher Purt near - almost; he purt near caught that greased pig Rang - you wear it on your fanger Rut - that there tree sure has long ruts Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town Rainch - A big cow farm Rat - Do it rat now! Rench - rench the soap yourself Roont - She plum roont her shoes Salary - A stringy vegetable Soardeens - small canned fish Shar - A light rain Gully Worsher - a medium heavy rain Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody Pop - a soft drink Sprang - Water out'n the ground Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail Storch - this here aprn has to much storch in it Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart Tho -tho me the ball Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat War - a bobbed war fance Worsh - go worsh your face Warter - what you worsh your face in Yurp - a continent overseas WARNING TO OZ PEOPLE: DON'T EVEN TRY TO TALK LIKE THIS. WE WILL ALL HAVE TO LAUGH, AND THEN OUR MOTHERS WILL PINCH US UNDER THE TABLE AND OFFER YOU ANOTHER PIECE OF PIE TO KEEP YOU QUIET SO WE WON'T DISGRACE THE FAMILY BY GOING INTO CONVULSIONS. _______________________________________________ A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. Her husband teased her and said she would never be able to stay away from the other half until dinner the next night. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would rub it in. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!" __________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From:Mark Re: Onion Fake news Dear Webby, I realize that most of the mainstream media is totally phony. What kind of fake news does the Onion have? Mark Dear Mark Their "News" is obvious and admitted satire. Like an article about no longer available Girl Scout Cookies. When they go into politics, they are just as ridiculous. Unlike the evil lies of the mainstream news, the Onion is just for fun. Have FUN DearWebby _____________________________________________________ In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. _____________________________________________________ Ophelia Dingbatter's News no sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt- in confirmation request. ____________________________________________________ Today, November 17, in 1558, Elizabeth I ascended the English throne upon the death of Queen Mary Tudor. 1603, Sir Walter Raleigh went on trial for treason. 1796, Catherine the Great of Russia died at the age of 67. 1798, Irish nationalist leader Wolfe Tone committed suicide while in jail awaiting execution. 1800, The U.S. Congress held its first session in Washington, DC, in the partially completed Capitol building. 1869, The Suez Canal opened in Egypt, linking the Mediterranean and the Red seas. 1880, The first three British female graduates received their Bachelor of Arts degrees from London University. 1903, Russia's Social Democrats officially split into two groups, Bolsheviks and Mensheviks. 1904, The first underwater submarine journey was taken, from Southampton, England, to the Isle of Wight. 1913, The steamship Louise became the first ship to travel through the Panama Canal. 1913, In Germany, Kaiser Wilhelm banned the armed forces from dancing the tango. 1922, Siberia voted for union with the U.S.S.R. 1962, Washington's Dulles International Airport was dedicated by U.S. President Kennedy. 1968, NBC cut away from the final minutes of a New York Jets- Oakland Raiders game to begin a TV special, "Heidi," on schedule. The Raiders came from behind to beat the Jets 43-32. 1970, The Soviet Union landed an unmanned, remote-controlled vehicle on the moon, the Lunokhod 1. The vehicle was released by Luna 17. 1973, U.S. President Nixon told an Associated Press managing editors meeting in Orlando, FL, "people have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. Well, I'm not a crook." 1979, Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini ordered the release of 13 female and black American hostages being held at the U.S. Embassy in Tehran. 1982, The Empire State Building was added to the National Register of Historical Places. 1988, Benazir Bhutto became the first woman leader of an Islamic country. She was elected in the first democratic elections in Pakistan in 11 years. 1990, A mass grave was discovered by the bridge over the River Kwai in Thailand. The bodies were believed to be those of World War II prisoners of war. 1990, The Soviet government agreed to change the country's constitution. 1997, 62 people were killed by 6 Islamic militants outside the Temple of Hatshepsut in Luxor, Egypt. The attackers were killed by police. 1997, Mario Lemieux was voted into the NHL Hall of Fame. 2001, "Toys "R" Us Times Square, The Center of the Toy Universe" opened in New York City. 2006, Sony's PlayStation 3 went on sale in the United States. 2010, Researchers trapped 38 antihydrogen atoms. It was the first time humans had trapped antimatter. 2022 Do smiled.
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