Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
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Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, November 18 (`v) Ophelia Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ________________________________________________________ 1 WASHING A CAR Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge. BEING IN THERAPY And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money. BEING IN A CRASH Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible. GOING FISHING Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or grunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag. _______________________________________________________ 2 A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her it is still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner and she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor and says, "The pill worked great. I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor, grabbed me and made love right there on the table." The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." The lady replied, "Naah, That's okay. We aren't going back to that restaurant anyway." ______________________________________________________ 3 A lawyer went to a remote village and stayed at the local inn for a few days. While he was there, he had an affair with the innkeeper's young daughter. A few months later he was back at the inn again, and the young girls was pregnant! When he confronted her, she admitted that the child was his. "But why didn't you let me know?" said the lawyer, "I would have married you!" "Well," replied the inkeeper's daughter, "Daddy said that one bastard in the family is quite enough!" ____________________________________________________ 4 Why cows are depressed when milked? Ever wonder why?At the Polish Agricultural university (P.A.U), the Professor was talking about increasing milk production of the cows,when a girl in the class asked: "Why do cows always seem depressed when being milked?" The Professor answered, "Well my girl, if every morning at dawn they woke you up, rubbed your boobs for two hours and didn't screw you afterwards, you'll look depressed too!" ____________________________________________________ 5 Have you heard about the five young bulls standing in the pasture discussing what they wanted to be when they grew up? The first said he wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull. The second said he wanted to go to New York and become a bull on Wall Street. The third wanted to go to the windy city to become a Chicago Bull. The fourth said he wanted to go to Beijing and be a bull in a China shop. The fifth said he was just going to stay in the pasture for heifer and heifer and heifer. _____________________________________________________ 6 According to "Men's Health" magazine, 71% of men feel their dog understands them at some telepathic level. That's because men and dogs have the same interests ~~> eat, sleep, play ball, and hump. _____________________________________________________ 7 At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered he was The Xerox Flasher. Every morning, he xeroxed his privates, made copies & left them in the secretaries desks. The boss said "Hell, he's the only person in the building who isn't guilty of false advertising!" His secretary said "Well, not exactly." He said "Oh God! Don't tell me!" She said "Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger." _____________________________________________________ 8 A lovely elderly couple decided to take a cruise. On the day of the cruise, the wife's hearing aide stops working. They drop it off to be fixed, go on the cruise without it and pick it up when they return home. They get to the boat and get into their cabin where they find bunk beds. The husband looks at his wife and says, "up or down?" The wife proceeds to get naked, lays on the bed and they have sex. The next night, the husband says, "Up or down?" and his wife proceeds to get naked again and they have a good time. This happens all seven nights of the cruise. Finally, they arrive home and pick up the hearing aide. That night, the husband looks at his wife and says, "Up or down?" and she says, "What do you mean, up or down?" The husband explains that while on the cruise, every time he said up or down, she would get naked, lay on the bed and they would have sex. She says, "Up or down, I though you said Fuck or drown." ____________________________________________________
Enjoy!. (`v) Ophelia ===================
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