Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, May 8 By the time you read this, I will be on the way to Calgary for injections into my eyeballs. There won't be a newsletter on Thursday, Friday or Saturday. _____________________________________________________ Thank you, Jim!! Today, May 8 in 1886 Pharmacist Dr. John Styth Pemberton invented what would later be called "Coca-Cola." More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: Guilty Plea In Baptismal Font Desecration ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ I once said cynically of a politician, 'He'll doublecross that bridge when he comes to it.' --- Oscar Levant (1906 - 1972) _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, Man, you really look tired. His buddy says, Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do. A fellow about 70, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says... Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense. ______________________________________________________` Niagara with golden moon _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Zachary Burdick, 21, Mandan, North Dakota Guilty Plea In Baptismal Font Desecration A North Dakota man has pleaded guilty to stripping off his clothes and desecrating a Catholic church's baptismal font during a methamphetamine-fueled rampage that was witnessed by 75 individuals attending mass. In a deal with prosecutors, Zachary Burdick, 21, pleaded guilty Thursday to misdemeanor disorderly conduct and indecent exposure charges in connection with a bizarre October 9 incident at the Spirit of Life Church in Mandan, a Bismarck suburb. Burdick, seen at right, was originally charged with felony indecent exposure, but that count was reduced as part of a plea deal. A District Court judge has not set a sentencing date for Burdick, according to an online case docket. As detailed in a probable cause affidavit, Burdick was tweaking on meth when he appeared in the church entryway as a 9 AM mass was underway. Burdick removed his clothes and entered the font, where he began masturbating facing the altar. Churchgoer Darrell Kilzer, 68, told cops that he saw Burdick splash around in the Holy Water fountain before entering the sanctuary while masturbating. The church's pastor, Father Todd Kreitinger, was conducting mass when Burdick appeared and dipped his rear-end into the Holy Water fountain and splashed around a bit before entering the sanctuary while masturbating. Kreitinger estimated that it would cost $500 to clean and sanitize the font. During police questioning, Burdick admitted that he was tweaking on meth and had used hashish oil. At one point, Burdick reportedly told cops that he was trying to bust a nut inside the church. Burdick was free on bond until March 12, when he failed to show for a court hearing. He was subsequently arrested and booked into the Burleigh Morton County Detention Center. Burdick's Facebook page describes him as a Rapper, Producer, Songwriter and includes a link to his SoundCloud page. From: Oleg Re: What is Task Manager? Dear Webby What is that Task Manager you mentioned? It sounds kinda dangerous! Oleg Dear Oleg Task Manager just lists all the tasks running in Windows. Usually, most of them are not necessary at all, but have been added to Windows over the years, without anybody asking for them. Some of them are utilities, that you got conned into installing, and some are malicious malware, that slithered in when you installed other stuff. If something looks suspicious, write down the name and check it with Should I Remove It It tells you what stuff is, and whether you really need it. That is a program you REALLY need! It is clean, no sneaky payloads attached. Whenever you spot unusual or weird stuff in theTask Manager, check it with "Should I Remove It". Quite likely you will see a few browser names on top in SERVICES in the Task Manager. Some of them may be ridiculously high, especially if your connection occasionally stutters. If any are over 200.000 KB, highlight them and click on END THIS PROCESS. Do that with any browser instances over 200.000. You don't loose anything. Even if Windows does not offer you to reload the killed tabs, you can reload them with CTRL SHIFT T That Hot-key also works to restore accidentally closed tabs. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A travelling salesman finds himself stranded in the tiniest town in Australia. He knocks on the door of a little hotel. "Sorry, we don't have a spare room," says the manager, "but you're welcome to share with a little red-headed schoolteacher, if that's okay." "Oh, that'll be great," says the salesman, grinning from ear to ear. "And don't worry, I'll be a real gentleman." "Just as well," says the manager. "So will the little red-headed schoolteacher." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
I can't say I've ever gotten a shave from a barber, but I've seen others who have. I was in a shop once, and an obviously new barber nicked a customer several times while giving him a shave. The new man, in an effort to smooth things over asked solicitously, "Do you want your head wrapped in a hot towel?" "No thanks." said the customer. "I'll carry it home under my arm." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Going to a New School If your kids are going to new school, take a tour of the campus before school starts so they can get a feel for the layout. It will make their first day of school much less stressful if they know the lay of the land. Check with your school to see if they offer an orientation for new students. thriftyfun.Com ____________________________________________________ | | Nevada and Utah's glorious desert wildflowers this year. |
___________________________________________________ Our high school principal has each teacher report class attendance over the intercom. The instructor must state the number of students present by gender, for example, "I have fourteen boys and thirteen girls in attendance." One day our principal was more than a little miffed at having to remind several teachers of the correct procedure. He was apparently somewhat forgetful, too, when he checked on the girls' physical-education instructor. "I have twenty- seven pupils present, sir," she announced. "Lady," he shouted through the intercom, "I need sex!" ___________________________________________________ How Not To Commit A Bank Robbery... Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers. Pick The Right Bank: You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. Study Your History: Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans. Speak To The Right Teller: One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. Don't Sign Your Demand Note: Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. Don't Advertise: A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks. Go Easy On The Disguise: One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print. Take Right Turns Only: Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money. Be Aware Of The Time: Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived. Consider Another Line Of Work: Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Be Strong: Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside. ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Jill recently bought a new Volkswagen Beetle, that bright green color. The first day she had it she made all kinds of excuses to run errands. One of these errands was to pick up clothes at the dry cleaners and go to the grocery. The dry cleaners and the grocery are in the same strip mall so she got a few things at the grocery, then ran by the cleaners and got the clothes. Having her hands full she laid the clothes on top while putting the groceries in the car. When she got home she was beaming, "You wouldn't believe how many people waved and honked their horns at the car and me on the way home." she said to her kids, "people must really think this car is neat!" About that time a car pulled up in our drive and a man got out with an armload of our clothes. "Excuse me," he said, "but I've been trying to get your attention for two miles, your clothes landed on my hood just after you pulled out of the parking lot." ___________________________________________________ | Today May 8 in 1096 Peter the Hermit and his army reached Hungary. They passed through without incident. 1450 Jack Cade's Rebellion-Kentishmen revolted against King Henry VI. 1541 Hernando de Soto reached the Mississippi River. He called it Rio de Espiritu Santo. 1794 Antoine Lavoisier was executed by guillotine. He was the French chemist who discovered oxygen. 1794 The United States Post Office was established. 1846 The first major battle of the Mexican War was fought. The battle occurred in Palo Alto, TX. 1847 The rubber tire was patented by Robert W. Thompson. 1879 George Selden applied for the first automobile patent. 1886 Pharmacist Dr. John Styth Pemberton invented what would later be called "Coca-Cola." 1914 The U.S. Congress passed a Joint Resolution that designated the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day. 1919 The U.S. Navy's first transatlantic flight took off with three Curtiss NC flying boats. 1921 Sweden abolished capital punishment. 1933 Gandhi began a hunger strike to protest British oppression in India. 1939 Clay Puett's electric starting gate was used for the first time. 1943 The Germans suppressed a revolt by Polish Jews and eventually destroyed the Warsaw Ghetto. 1945 U.S. President Harry Truman announced that World War II had ended in Europe. 1956 Alfred E. Neuman appeared on the cover of "Mad Magazine" for the first time. 1958 U.S. President Eisenhower ordered the National Guard out of Little Rock as Ernest Green became the first black to graduate from an Arkansas public school. 1959 Mike and Marian Ilitch founded "Little Caesars Pizza Treat". 1960 Diplomatic relations between Cuba and the Soviet Union resumed. 1970 Construction workers broke up an anti-war protest on New York City's Wall Street. 1973 Militant American Indians who had held the South Dakota hamlet of Wounded Knee for 10 weeks surrendered. 1984 The Soviet Union announced that they would not participate in the 1984 Summer Olympics Games in Los Angeles. 1985 "New Coke" was released to the public on the 99th anniversary of Coca-Cola. 1986 Reporters were told that 84,000 people had been evacuated from areas near the Chernobyl nuclear plant in Soviet Ukraine. 1998 A pipe burst leaving a million residents without water in Malaysia's capital area. This added to four days of shortages that 2 million already faced. 1999 The first female cadet graduated from The Citadel military college. 2019 Do smiled. |
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