Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, February 2 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ International Bonehead Award Hit-and-run driver arrested after causing 3 crashes in Madera, CA ___________________________________________________ Today, February 2 in 1892 William Painter patented the bottle cap. ____________________________________________________ There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. --- Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881) Reason is immortal, all else mortal. --- Pythagoras ____________________________________________________ A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town's high birth rate. The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea as to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?" The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:50, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up." ____________________________________________________ >From jstme I'll ByPass The Nursing Home, Thanks With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have acertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn foraround $65.00... that leaves $123.00 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for lunch and dinner. There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's OK, it takes months to get into decent nursing homes. There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van,cabs, and even free shuttle to the Airport where you can eat at one of the fast food cafe's there. The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will call an ambulance. And should you break a hip, the American Way is to Sue. What more can you ask for? As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts. So: When I reach the Golden age, help me keep my grin, Just check my old rickety ass into the nearest Holiday Inn! ____________________________________________________ Ajay Jonwar ___________________________________________________ A cowboy is traveling on his horse when he sees a bar. He decides to stop for a few drinks, so he ties his horse outside the bar, walks into the bar, sits right up at the counter and orders a few beers. This cowboy is new in town, so he notices some of the other bar patrons giving him funny looks, and he suspects that they'll try something funny, but he continues to drink. When he's satisfied, he pays for the beers and walks out of the bar only to find his horse missing. However, he keeps his cool, struts back into the bar, puts on a really mean look and says, "Look, I don't know what you asses did to my horse out there...but I'm planning to make a move on within the next FIVE minutes, and if my horse isn't back where it's supposed to be by then, well...I'm gonna have to do here what I did in Texas!" The cowboy sneers. "And I DON'T wanna do what I did in Texas!" The cowboy glares at everyone before returning to the counter and ordering another couple of beers. The other customers seem a bit shaken, and sure enough after 5 minutes, the cowboy walks out and finds his horse tied where it was supposed to be. Just as he's about to leave, the bartender approaches him and asks, "Just out of curiosity, partner. What was it you did in Texas that you didn't want to do here?" The cowboy turns to the bartender, gives a lopsided grin and replies, "I had to walk home!" __________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Alexis Aguilar Zarate, 24, Madera, California, USA Hit-and-run driver arrested after causing 3 crashes in Madera A man was arrested after authorities say he caused three crashes, including colliding into a sheriff's deputy's vehicle, in Madera County on Thursday night. California Highway Patrol officers responded to a hit-and-run crash at Road 26 and Avenue 17 1/2 just after 11:00 pm. Officials say witnesses reported a black Nissan pulled in front of a motorcyclist on southbound Road 26 and hit him. Minutes later, police say the same vehicle hit a parked car on Owens Street in Madera. Authorities said the Nissan was later spotted by witnesses at the Love's truck stop along Highway 99 and sped away from officers. The runaway driver, 24-year-old Alexis Aguilar Zarate, struck a Madera County sheriff's vehicle at Road 27 and Avenue 17. "It seems the suspect vehicle ended up running a stop sign while the sheriff's deputy was still continuing northbound on Road 27," said CHP Officer Justin Foraker. The deputy was not injured. The motorcyclist from the first crash was taken to the hospital with moderate injuries and is expected to recover. Zarate was also taken to the hospital to be checked for driving under the influence. Officers found two open beers in the center console of the Nissan. He will face several charges, including felony hit- and-run. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From:Gloria Re: Tame the cable salad Dear Webby I envy Fiona if she ONLY has a cable salad. I have killer spaghetti from the twilight zone! I swear those cables breed in the dark and multiply. I have to wear high heels, otherwise my boss is taller than me and then we have a discipline problem around here. The problem is that those heels keep snagging cables and either pulling them loose or knitting them into fancy knots! What's the best way to bring some order into that chaos ? Gloria Dear Gloria Go to the Dollar Store. They have packages with 6 - 12 colorful velcro strips each about 5 inches long. Take one cable at a time and fold it into a zig-zag bundle about 8 inches long. Lock that with a velcro strip, and do the same with the next one. In a few minutes all your cables will be snug and tidy, and your set-up will be the envy of the entire building. Have Fun! DearWebby >From Eddie I bought a dog the other day, he_s really smart!...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ According to a new study from Italy, some women are actually able to hear with their breasts. That of course is great for Italian men, because they talk with their hands anyway. ____________________________________________ > From Ella On his way in to our local grocery, my husband was stopped by a gaggle of small girls selling Girl Scout cookies. When he said Yes, he'd take a box, a Brownie asked, "What kind?" Helpfully he inquired, "Oh, let's see - which is your slowest seller?" The tiny spokesperson thought a minute, then, pointing toward another girl, stating emphatically, "Brittany!" ____________________________________________ Thee children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples. ____________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today February 2 in 1536 The Argentine city of Buenos Aires was founded by Pedro de Mendoza of Spain. 1653 New Amsterdam, now known as New York City, was incorporated. 1848 The Mexican War was ended with the signing of the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo. The treaty turned over portions of land to the U.S., including Texas, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah, Arizona, California and parts of Colorado and Wyoming. The U.S. gave Mexico $15,000,000 and assumed responsibility of all claims against Mexico by American citizens. Texas had already entered the U.S. on December 29, 1845. 1848 The first shipload of Chinese emigrants arrived in San Francisco, CA. 1863 Samuel Langhorne Clemens used a pseudonym for the first time. He is better remembered by the pseudonym which is Mark Twain. 1878 Greece declared war on Turkey. 1880 The S.S. Strathleven arrived in London with the first successful shipment of frozen mutton from Australia. 1887 The beginning of Groundhog Day in Punxsutawney, PA. 1892 William Painter patented the bottle cap. 1893 The Edison Studio in West Orange, NJ, made history when they filmed the first motion picture close-up. The studio was owned and operated by Thomas Edison. 1897 The Pennsylvania state capitol in Harrisburg was destroyed by fire. The new statehouse was dedicated nine years later on the same site. 1913 Grand Central Terminal officially opened at 12:01 a.m. Even though construction was not entirely complete more than 150,000 people visited the new terminal on its opening day. 1935 Leonard Keeler conducted the first test of the polygraph machine, in Portage, WI. 1943 During World War II, the remainder of Nazi forces from the Battle of Stalingrad surrendered to the Soviets. Stalingrad has since been renamed Volgograd. 1945 U.S. President Roosevelt and British Prime Minister Winston Churchill left for a summit in Yalta with Soviet leader Josef Stalin. 1946 The first Buck Rogers automatic pistol was made. 1962 The 8th and 9th planets aligned for the first time in 400 years. 1971 Idi Amin assumed power in Uganda after a coup that ousted President Milton Obote. 1980 The situation known as "Abscam" began when reports surfaced that the FBI had conducted a sting operation that targeted members of the U.S. Congress. Phony Arab businessmen were used in the operation. 1989 The final Russian armored column left Kabul, Afghanistan, after nine years of military occupation. The next year the Americans moved in. 1990 South African President F.W. de Klerk lifted a ban on the African National Congress and promised to free Nelson Mandela. 1998 U.S. President Clinton introduced the first balanced budget in 30 years. 1999 19 people were killed at Luanda international airport when a cargo plane crashed just after takeoff. 1999 Hugo Chvez Fras took office. He had been elected president of Venezuela in December 1998. 2004 It was reported that a white powder had been found in an office of Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. The CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) later confirmed that the powder was the poison ricin. 2021 Do smiled. |
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