Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, April 9 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! Thank you Maggie !!! ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Michigan Home Inspector raped Elmo Doll In Residence's Nursery ___________________________________________________ Today, April 9 in 1998 More than 150 Muslims died in stampede in Mecca, Saudi Arabia, on last day of the haj pilgrimage. ____________________________________________________ Vote early and vote often. --- Al Capone, Chicago (1899 - 1947) ____________________________________________________ At a major medical convention, a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic. "What's it cure?" asks a member of the audience. "Nothing we don't already have a drug for," the internist replies. "Well, what's so miraculous about it?" "One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times." ____________________________________________________ What's the definition of irreconcilable differences? When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet. ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ An old farmer's 3 attractive daughters all had dates one night. When the doorbell first rang, the farmer answered the door with his shotgun in hand. "Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to pick up Kim, and we're gonna go for a swim." The farmer allows him to leave with Kim. A few minutes later the doorbell rings again. With shotgun in hand he opens the door. "Hi, I'm Eddy. I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to go eat spaghetti." The farmer allows him to leave with Betty. A few minutes later the doorbell rings for the third time. After couple of seconds, the farmer's wife, sitting in the living room, hears a gunshot. When the farmer comes back returns, his wife asks, "What happened?" The farmer replies, "That was Chuck." ____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Kevin Wayne VanLuven, 59, Oxford Township, a Detroit suburb, Michigan. USA Michigan Home Inspector raped Elmo Doll In Residence's Nursery While unaware that he was being recorded by a nursery camera, a Michigan home inspector pleasured himself with an Elmo doll, according to police. Kevin Wayne VanLuven, 59, was arraigned yesterday on a pair of misdemeanor charges stemming from an unsettling incident last month at a residence in Oxford Township, a Detroit suburb. Investigators say VanLuven had been hired by the homes owners to inspect their property prior to a sale. The owners told police that they let VanLuven and the buyers real estate agent into the home, then departed the residence during the March 12 inspection. While away from the property, a 22-year-old female homeowner received an alert on her phone that a webcam had detected movement in the residences nursery. The woman then accessed the camera feed and saw VanLuven touching himself, cops report. The home inspector then picked up an Elmo doll and appeared to be pleasuring himself with the doll, police charge. After the homeowners called 911, sheriffs deputies confronted VanLuven, who claimed to have only moved the doll to inspect an electrical outlet. But when cops told him that there was a camera in the nursery, VanLuven reportedly made incriminating statements and apologized for his actions. Charged with aggravated indecent exposure and malicious destruction of property under $200, VanLuven was booked into the Oakland County jail, where he is being held in lieu of $2500 bond. A judge has directed VanLuven to undergo a mental health evaluation, and has prohibited him from being alone in any residential property that he does not own. Additionally, he has been ordered to have no contact with the Oxford Township homeowners. If convicted of the indecent exposure charge, VanLuven faces up to two years in prison. The property destruction count carries a maximum penalty of about three months in jail. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Robin Re: I think I deleted you by mistake Dear Webby i think i deleted you by mistake Robin Dear Robin You are still in the list. Check your spam folder. If necessary make a filter. For that exact reason I have, since 1994, when you were still jail bait, always used [email protected] as the sender and a Subject line starting with humor: Yes, Eudora and Pegasus had filters already then. Gmail just copied that feature. Have FUN! DearWebby Your annual insurance cost for the following 20 years will usually go up by the amount you claimed. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ My cousin, Marilyn had a small number of children gathered around a table for a Sunday school bible reading group that she had volunteered to teach . After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. While they were working she heard a little girl say very softly..."Damn!" Marilyn leaned over and quietly admonished, "We don't say that in school." The little girl looked up at Marilyn, and as her bright blue eyes got as big as saucers she said, "Not even when everything is all fucked up?" ____________________________________________ A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions. ____________________________________________ A man returns from Africa feeling very ill. He visits his doctor, who immediately rushes the guy to the Mayo Clinic. The man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in a stark room at the hospital and answers it. "Weve received the results from your tests," says the doctor on the other end of the line. "Bad news, you have Ebola." "Oh, my God," cries the man. "Doc! What am I going to do?" "Dont worry. First, were going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, and pita bread," says the doctor. "Will that cure me?" "No, but its the only food well be able to get under the door." ____________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today, April 9 in 0193 In the Balkans, the distinguished soldier Septimius Seversus was proclaimed emperor by the army in Illyricum. 1241 In the Battle of Liegnitz, Mongol armies defeated the Poles and the Germans. 1454 The city states of Venice, Milan and Florence signed a peace agreement at Lodi, Italy. 1667 In Paris, The first public art exhibition was held at the Palais-Royale. 1682 Robert La Salle claimed the lower Mississippi River and all lands that touch it for France. 1770 Captain James Cook discovered Botany Bay on the Australian continent. 1833 Peterborough, NH, opened the first municipally supported public library in the United States. 1865 At Appomattox Court House, Virginia, General Robert E. Lee surrendered his Confederate Army to Union General Ulysses S. Grant in the parlor of Wilmer McClean's home. Grant allowed Rebel officers to keep their sidearms and permitted soldiers to keep their horses and mules. Though there were still Confederate armies in the field, the war was officially over. The four years of fighting had killed 360,000 Union troops and 260,000 Confederate troops. 1866 The Civil Rights Bill passed over U.S. President Andrew Johnson's veto. 1867 The U.S. Senate ratified the treaty with Russia that purchased the territory of Alaska by one vote. 1869 The Hudson Bay Company ceded its territory to Canada. 1870 The American Anti-Slavery Society was dissolved. 1872 S.R. Percy received a patent for dried milk. 1900 British forces routed the Boers at Kroonstadt, South Africa. 1905 The first aerial ferry bridge went into operation in Duluth, MN. 1914 In London, the first full-color film, "The World, The Flesh & the Devil," was shown. 1916 The German army launched its third offensive during the Battle of Verdun. 1917 The Battle of Arras began as Canadian troops began a massive assault on Vimy Ridge. 1918 Latvia proclaimed its independence. 1921 The Russo-Polish conflict ended with signing of Riga Treaty. 1928 Mae West made her debut on Broadway in the production of "Diamond Lil." 1940 Germany invaded Norway and Denmark. 1942 In the Battle of Bataan, American and Filipino forces were overwhelmed by the Japanese Army. 1945 At Bari, Italy, the Liberty exploded and killed 360 people. The ship was carrying aerial bombs. 1947 169 people were killed and 1,300 were injured by a series of tornadoes in Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas. 1957 The Suez Canal was cleared for all shipping. 1959 NASA announced the selection of America's first seven astronauts. 1967 The first Boeing 737 was rolled out for use. 1976 The U.S. and Russia agreed on the size of nuclear tests for peaceful use. 1981 The U.S. Submarine George Washington struck and sunk a small Japanese freighter in the East China Sea. The Nissho Maru's captain and first mate died. 1983 The space shuttle Challenger concluded it first flight. 1984 Nicaragua asked the World Court to declare U.S. support for guerilla raids illegal. 1985 Japanese Premier Nakasone urged Japanese people to buy foreign products. 1986 It was announced that Patrick Duffy's character on the TV show Dallas would be returning after being killed off. 1987 Dikye Baggett became the first person to undergo corrective surgery for Parkinsons disease. 1988 The U.S. imposed economic sanctions on Panama. 1989 16 civilians were killed during rioting in Soviet Georgia. 1989 Hundreds of thousands marched past the White House in support of the right to abortion. 1991 Georgia voted to secede from the U.S.S.R. 1992 Former Panamanian ruler Manuel Noriega was convicted in Miami, FL, of eight drug and racketeering charges. 1998 The National Prisoner of War Museum opened in Andersonville, GA, at the site of an infamous Civil War camp. 1998 More than 150 Muslims died in stampede in Mecca, Saudi Arabia, on last day of the haj pilgrimage. 1999 In Djibouti, Ismail Omar Guelleh of the ruling Popular Rally for Progress and the Front for the Restoration of Unity and Democracy was elected president. 1999 In Niger, President Ibrahim Bar Manassara was assassinated. Daouda Malam Wanke was designated president two days later. 2021 Do smiled. |
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