Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, February 15 ___________________________________________________ Today, February 14 in 1903 Morris and Rose Michtom, Russian immigrants, introduced the first teddy bear in America. ______________________________________________________ After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.' --- Ronnie Shakes I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it. --- Mary Chase (1887 - 1973) ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: Man charged after 2 fatally shot in Chinatown robbery, no bond __________________________________________ A REDNECK VALENTINE Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk A-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's And without all them fleas. You move like the Bass, Which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales But I luv you anyway. You're as graceful as okry Jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop Right out of the can. You have all yore teeth, For which I am proud; I hold my head high When we're in a crowd. On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits. And speakin' of wits, You've got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you married me Back in '74. Still them fellers at work They all want to know, What I did to deserve Such a purty, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape Yo're there fer yore man, To patch up life's troubles And stick 'em in the can. Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler Racin' through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger Named Naomi Judd. Yo're as cute as a junebug A-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no far ant Upon which I oft' tread. Cut from the best pattern Like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life Like a Rattletrap shad. When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin'. And when you get old Like a '57 Chevy, Won't put you on blocks And let grass grow up heavy. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie With a RC cold drank, We go together Like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, It's romantic that way. Some men git roses On that special day >From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds >From a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," They explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, These will not do. For you are too special, You sweet thang you. I got you a gift, Without taste nor odor, Better than diamonds it's a new trollin' motor. __________________________________________ Thanks to Jean for sending me this picture: Hi There! __________________________________________ If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman If you don't, you are not a man If you praise her, she thinks you are lying If you don't, you are good for nothing If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp If you don't, you are not understanding If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy If you don't, you are a dull boy If you are jealous, she says it's bad If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her If you don't, she thinks you do not like her If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait If she is late, she says that's a girl's way If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time" If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls" If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring If you talk, she wants you to listen If you listen, she wants you to talk. ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Man charged after 2 fatally shot in Chinatown robbery attempt held without bond Alvin Thomas, 20, Chicago, Illinois The man charged in the murders of two men who were targeted during a robbery attempt in Chinatown was ordered to be held without bond in court Tuesday. Police said 20-year-old Alvin Thomas was taken into custody about 15 minutes after the shooting took place early Sunday morning in the 2000-block of South Wells Street inside an apartment building parking lot. Thomas tried to rob two men, Huayi Bian, 36, and Weizhing Xiong, 38, and a 44-year-old woman, police said. The woman complied, but the two men resisted, at which point police said Thomas shot and killed the two men. The woman was unharmed. "She looked to the right and no longer saw her husband in the passenger seat of the vehicle," said Assistant State's Attorney James Murphy. Police said officers were able to monitor cameras in the area to track Thomas down. "Chicago Police Officers followed the bloody footprints left by defendant," Murphy. said. Police said he ran about four or five blocks and police said shell casings from the scene matched the gun Thomas has on him. Thomas has been charged with two counts of murder and is scheduled to appear in bond court Tuesday. Police said Thomas has a criminal history, and was on probation for a 2018 robbery and battery in Boystown. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Olga Re: Spell Checker Dear Webby What is the best spell checker? I have tried many, and each one is worse than the other ones. Thanks Olga Dear Olga I have used "AsyouType" since the days, when you were still jail bait. Like all spell checkers, it has it's peculiarities and does not work automatically in all programs. However, that is the fault of programs, that won't allow external helpers to reach in. Quite often Microsoft programs, that have their own spell checker, will start a pissing contest and block AsYouType. AsYouType has a free trial, but the full version is no longer free, probably because of the support and the popularity. By far the best spell checker is YOU! Yes, reading what you typoed before sending it, makes the biggest difference. Quite often you will even decide to tone it down a bit, or not sending anything at all. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He better!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States." _____________________________________________ Arkansas City, KS in Kansas is pronounced R-Kansas City, KS just like the Arkansas River is pronounced R-Kansas River on the Kansas side and on the Oklahoma side it is pronounced R-Kan-Saw River. Now if you take a look at the spelling and how the rest of the states have come to pronounce it, seems like the Kansas people have the correct way of pronounceing it. Isn't that interessting. From Annie In Arkansas City, KS ____________________________________________ One day Nancy walked into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor asked her what had happened. She said, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the Iron. Well that explains one ear, but what about the other? The bastard called again, asking what the screaming was all about. ____________________________________________ | No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today February 15 in 1758 Mustard was advertised for the first time in America. 1799 Printed ballots were authorized for use in elections in the state of Pennsylvania. 1842 Adhesive postage stamps were used for the first time by the City Dispatch Post (Office) in New York City. 1879 U.S. President Hayes signed a bill that allowed female attorneys to argue cases before the U.S. Supreme Court. 1898 The USS Maine sank when it exploded in Havana Harbor for unknown reasons. More than 260 crew members were killed. 1900 The British threaten to use natives in their war with the Boers. 1903 Morris and Rose Michtom, Russian immigrants, introduced the first teddy bear in America. 1933 U.S. President-elect Franklin Roosevelt escaped an assination attempt in Miami. Chicago Mayor Anton J. Cermak was killed in the attack. 1942 During World War II, Singapore surrendered to the Japanese. 1946 Edith Houghton, at age 33, was signed as a baseball scout by the Philadelphia Phillies becoming the first female scout in the major leagues. 1953 The first American to win the womens world figure skating championship was 17-year-old Tenley Albright. 1961 A Boeing 707 crashed in Belgium killing 73 people. 1962 CBS-TV bought the exclusive rights to college football games from the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) for a figure of $10,200,000. 1965 Canada displayed its new red and white maple leaf flag. The flag was to replace the old Red Ensign standard. 1982 During a storm, the Ocean Ranger, a drilling rig, sank off the coast of Newfoundland. 84 men were killed. 1985 The Center for Disease Control reported that more than half of all nine-year-olds in the U.S. showed no sign of tooth decay. 1989 After nine years of intervention, the Soviet Union announced that the remainder of its troops had left Afghanistan. 1991 The leaders of Czechoslovakia, Hungary and Poland signed the Visegard agreement, in which they pledged to cooperate in transforming their countties to free-market economies. 1995 The FBI arrested Kevin Mitnick and charged him with cracking security in some of the nation's most protected computers. He served five years in jail. 2002 U.S. President George W. Bush approved Nevada's Yucca Mountain as a site for long-term disposal of radioactive nuclear waste. A few yearss later the Democrats stopped the work. 2020 Do smiled. |
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