Good Morning, Do, Today is Sunday, October 22 Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: English woman who falsely accused soldier of rape is jailed for five years Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, Oct 22 in 1797 Andre-Jacques Garnerin made the first recorded parachute jump. He made the jump from about 3,000 feet. 1879 Thomas Edison conducted his first successful experiment with a high-resistance carbon filament. 1918 Margaret Owen set a typing speed record of 170 words per minute on a manual typewriter. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. --- Franklin P. Adams (1881 - 1960) [It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system. --- Dan Quayle The real problem is not whether machines think, but whether men do. -- B. F. Skinner Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery. --- Dr. Joyce Brothers (1928 - ) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting. "Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up. Ralph elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?" "I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man. "In that case," said Ralph, "take my hand!" The man immediately grasped Ralph's hand and was hauled to safety and a lengthy accident related delay was safely avoided. Ralph turned to the amazed by-standers. "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed up she got, getting all woried over getting the most in the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, ane because she was such a bitch during the divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points down the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. No problem, said the woman as she grinned in exstasy. For my last wish... "I'd like to give birth to twins". ______________________________________________________ Banff _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Rebecca Palmer, 26, in jail in England Woman who falsely accused soldier of rape is jailed for five years Rebecca Palmer, 26, was sentenced after she made fake allegations against a 22-year-old soldier after he "rejected her". Rebecca Palmer, 26, had consensual sexual activity with the 22-year-old, a court heard. But when the soldier serving with the King's Royal Hussars, based in Tidworth, Wilts ended things she made a string of allegations, including rape. Jurors heard Palmer also said she was pregnant but claimed to have lost the baby in a purported suicide bid. Prosecutor Joanne Jakymec said: On being rejected by him [she] embarked on a malicious campaign which led to him being arrested on more than one occasion and held in custody. At Winchester crown court Palmer, of Swindon, was found guilty of perverting justice. She also admitted malicious communications and perverting the course of public justice. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Eloise Re: Sorting in WORD Dear Webby, Once upon a time, long, long ago, you told us how to quickly sort a list in WORD. Unfortunately, at the time I did not need that and did not pay attention. Can you please tell me again? Thanks Eloise Dear Eloise Highlight what you want to sort, hit ALT F9 (or click on TOOLS, SORT, then choose if you want to sort the lines or paragraphs. If you are sorting email addresses that are one address per line, select LINE. If you are sorting physical addresses that are 4 or 5 lines per contact, make sure you have a paragraph break (empty line) between each address block. If your sort task spans many pages, it's usually best to temporarily copy the data to be sorted to a new file, sort it there, and then copy it back into the original document. Have FUN! DearWebby Sam and Anni are at the beach sitting on a blanket. A man with a body of a dancer wearing a bikini swimsuit walks by. Sam: Hmm... Want ME to wear a Speedo? Anni: No. Sam: Why not? I've got nothing to hide. Anni: That's the problem. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Check shipping before buying online Note the Shipping Charge When Bidding On Online Auctions You can find good deals at online auctions but one trick that some sellers play is they offer a low bid price for the product, but have a really high shipping price. Never bid on an item until you have calculated the cost of your bid and the shipping charge. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com If you want to see why I feel so strongly about it, have a look at a typical example that I uploaded: http://webby.com/docs/Why-not-UPS.html The item was a little circuit board that could have been shipped by mail in a padded envelope. Don't just not bid, tell the seller what kind of shipping is acceptable to you, and what isn't. DearWebby ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Trevor for this story: A beautiful young woman is getting dressed for work one morning in her high-rise apartment building. She glances out her fiftieth-story bedroom window and sees a window washer outside. Thinking she will rattle him, she slowly takes off her dress. The window washer just goes about the business of cleaning the windows. Next, she removes her slip in a very provocative manner. Still, the man just keeps working away. Taking her striptease to the full extent, she takes off her bra and panties and begins parading around her room. The window washer still takes no notice of her. Finally, the woman walks over to the window and just stands there, totally naked, staring at the man outside her window. At last the window washer puts down his pail and says, "What's the matter, lady, haven't you ever seen a window washer before?" __________________________________________________ | | Well, this is a different table. |
___________________________________________________ A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup." On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man, "Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it." Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmm sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup. "That was delicious," he said. "Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?" | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Thanks to Ross for these anecdotes of a Washington DC area travel agent, who thinks she understands from these anecdotes why we are having problems in the US. I've been a Travel Agent for thirty Years. Following are examples of why our country is in trouble! 1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. 2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town, I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape town is in Massachusetts," Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massawhosits, Cape town is in Africa," Her response - click. 3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state! 4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, But they look so close on the map." 5 An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." 6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, she bought that. 7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. 8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?" 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." 10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi- Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!" So I booked her on a flight to Whatever, Alaska. 11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa when I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!" 12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said. Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in! ____________________________________________________ | Today, October 22, in 1746 The College of New Jersey was officially chartered. It later became known as Princeton University. 1797 Andre-Jacques Garnerin made the first recorded parachute jump. He made the jump from about 3,000 feet. 1836 Sam Houston was inaugurated as the first constitutionally elected president of the Republic of Texas. 1844 This day is recognized as "The Great Disappointment" among those who practiced Millerism. The world was expected to come to an end according to the followers of William Miller. 1879 Thomas Edison conducted his first successful experiment with a high-resistance carbon filament. 1907 The Panic of 1907 began when depositors began withdrawing money from many New York banks. 1939 The first televised pro football game was telecast from New York. Brooklyn defeated Philadelphia 23-14. 1954 The Federal Republic of Germany was invited to join the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO). 1962 U.S. President Kennedy went on radio and television to inform the United States about his order to send U.S. forces to blockade Cuba. The blockade was in response to the discovery of Soviet missile bases on the island. 1968 Apollo 7 splashed down in the Atlantic Ocean. The spacecraft had orbited the Earth 163 times. 1979 The ousted Shah of Iran, Mohammad Riza Pahlavi, who had been installed in Iran by the CIA, was allowed into the U.S. for medical treatment. 1981 The Professional Air Traffic Controllers Organization was decertified by the federal government for its strike the previous August. 1983 At the Augusta National Golf Course in Georgia, an armed man crashed a truck through front gates and demanded to speak with U.S. President Ronald Reagan. 1986 U.S. President Reagan signed the Tax Reform Act of 1986 into law. 1991 The European Community and the European Free Trade Association agreed to create a free trade zone of 19 nations by the year 1993. 1998 Pakistan's carpet weaving industry announced that they would begin to phase out child labor. 1999 China ended its first-ever human rights conference in which it defied Western definitions of civil liberties. 1999 The U.N. Security Council voted to send 6,000 troops to Sierra Leone to oversee a peace plan that had been signed in July. 2008 The iTunes Music Store reached 200 million applications downloaded. 2010 The International Space Station set the record (3641 days) for the longest continuous human occupation of space. It had been continously inhabited since November 2, 2000. 2017 Do smiled. |
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