Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, June 29 Thank You Claude! ___________________________________________________ Today, June 29 in 1888 Professor Frederick Treves performed the first appendectomy in England. _____________________________________________________ Today's Bonehead Award: Store clerk IDs his brother as would-be robber ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________________ A cult is a religion with no political power. --- Tom Wolfe (1931 - ) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. --- Miss Piggy _____________________________________________________ St. M o m's W o r t Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. E m p t y N e s t r o g e n Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P e p t o b i m b o Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. D u m e r o l When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. F l i p i t o r Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. A n t i b o y o t i c s When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades,freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. M e n i c i l l i n Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better person . B u y a g r a Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-One-all When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. J a c k A s s p i r i n Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,anniversary or phone number. A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. S e x c e d r i n More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. And last and maybe the best of all R a g a m e t When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. _____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and more painful. His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly subsided. On Monday morning he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better." "Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it - my maid said hot water." ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Shawn Yoakum, 42, Lafayette, Indiana, USA Store clerk IDs his brother as would-be robber Shawn Yoakum tried to rob the Village Pantry at 900 N. 14th St. about 6 a.m. Tuesday, according to police. He failed, according to police reports. Yoakum pulled a knife and demanded money from the two convenience store clerks one of whom was Yoakum's brother. The clerks closed the protective glass that surrounds the checkout area, making it impossible for Yoakum to harm the clerks, police said. With a positive ID of the robbery suspect, police starting looking for Yoakum. Officers caught up with Yoakum few minutes after the attempted robbery in the alley behind his house in the 1000 block of Hartford Street, police said. Yoakum, 42, refused to drop the knife, and officers tazed him, police said. The taze, however, did not have an effect on Yoakum, so an officer fired a likely less-than-lethal beanbag fired from a shot gun, police said. Yoakum dropped the knife when he was hit by the beanbag, and officers arrested him. He was booked into the Tippecanoe County Jail on preliminary charges of attempted robbery and resisting law enforcement, according to jail records. Additionally he was wanted on a warrant for escape from community corrections, police said. He remained incarcerated Wednesday at the Tippecanoe County Jail, according to jail records. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Ulli Re: Can't run Skype DearWebby, My Windoze suicided for no reason at all, and I had to do a restore. Believe it or not, I got almost everything working again. At first it would not let me run Chrome, so I had to slum it with Candlestick, ahem Firefux. And Skype would not run. Like it often does these days, it insisted on a re-install. @#$%^&!!! That failed on extracting the files. Now what? Ulli Dear Ulli Watch where it is trying to extract. Most likely in C:\ProgramFiles (86)\Microsoft Make sure that folder and all the included ones are not "Read Only". Then use "Should-I-Remove-It" and remove Skype. After that go to http://Skype.com/ or https://www.skype.com/en/get-skype/ DO NOT try to get there with Google! They try to slither all kinds of evil crap ware and scam ware onto your machine! Go ONLY to THAT link! Download Skype and run it. All your contacts and history will show up, and Skype will run almost as fast as before Microsoft bought it. Have FUN! DearWebby | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost. The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help." So she did just that. After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, "That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00." The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she laid a stinky, squeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said, "That'll be fifty dollars." "Fifty dollars?!?!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!" "Yes, I did", said the owner, "But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50." _____________________________________________ Three guys were at a football game. It just so happens that they were all diehard football fans. They finally found a seat good enough for them. But there was just one problem with the so called "perfect seats." Three nuns were in front of them blocking their view. The guys wanted them to move so one said, loud enough for the nuns to hear, "Hey I think I'll move to Idaho. There are only 100 Catholics there." The second one said, "No I'm gonna move to Montana. There are only 50 Catholics living there." Then the third guy said, "You two are both wrong. We should move to Wisconsin. There are only 25 Catholics there." Then one of the nuns turns around and said, "Hey why don't you go to hell... there aren't ANY Catholics there!" ____________________________________________ The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion." I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from? | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today June 29 in 1236 Ferdinand III of Castile and Leon took Cordoba in Spain. 1652 Massachusetts declared itself an independent commonwealth. 1767 The British Parliament approved the Townshend Revenue Acts. The acts imposed import duties on glass, lead, paint, paper and tea shipped to America. That did not go over well. 1776 The Virginia constitution was adopted and Patrick Henry was made governor. 1804 Privates John Collins and Hugh Hall of the Lewis and Clark Expedition were found guilty by a court-martial consisting of members of the Corps of Discovery for getting drunk on duty. Collins received 100 lashes on his back and Hall received 50. 1860 The first iron-pile lighthouse was completed at Minots Ledge, MA. 1880 France annexed Tahiti. 1888 Professor Frederick Treves performed the first appendectomy in England. 1903 The British government officially protested Belgian atrocities in the Congo. 1905 Russian troops intervened as riots erupted in ports all over the country. Many ships were looted. 1917 The Ukraine proclaimed independence from Russia. 1925 Marvin Pipkin filed for a patent for the frosted electric light bulb. 1926 Fascists in Rome added an hour to the work day in an economic efficiency measure. 1932 Siams army seized Bangkok and announced an end to the absolute monarchy. 1946 British authorities arrested more than 2,700 Jews in Palestine in an attempt to end alleged terrorism. 1950 U.S. President Harry S. Truman authorized a sea blockade of Korea. 1951 The United States invited the Soviet Union to the Korean peace talks on a ship in Wonson Harbor. 1953 The Federal Highway Act authorized the construction of 42,500 miles of freeway from coast to coast. 1954 The Atomic Energy Commission voted against reinstating Dr. J. Robert Oppenheimer's access to classified information. 1955 The Soviet Union sent tanks to Poznan, Poland, to put down anti-Communist demonstrations. 1966 The U.S. bombed fuel storage facilities near the North Vietnamese cities of Hanoi and Haiphong. 1967 Israel removed barricades, re-unifying Jerusalem. 1972 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty could constitute "cruel and unusual punishment." The ruling prompted states to revise their capital punishment laws. 1982 Israel invaded Lebanon. 1995 The shuttle Atlantis and the Russian space station Mir docked, forming the largest man-made satellite ever to orbit the Earth. 2000 In Santa Rosa, CA, the official groundbreaking ceremony took place for the Charles M. Schulz Museum. 2007 The first generation Apple iPhone went on sale. 2011 The state of Nevada passed the first law that permitted the operation of autonomous cars on public roads. The law went into effect on March 1, 2012 and did not permit the use of the cars to the general public. Google received the first self-driving vehicle license in the U.S. on May 4, 2012 in Nevada. 2020 Do smiled. |
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