Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, July 12 ___________________________________________________ History on this day, July 12, in 1998, 1.7 billion people watched soccer's World Cup finals between France and Brazil. France won 3-0. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Car Jacking with two kids in the car __________________________________________________ The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. --- Hubert H. Humphrey (1911 - 1978) There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it. --- Mary Wilson Little A little more moderation would be good. Of course, my life hasn't exactly been one of moderation. --- Donald Trump (1946 - ) _________________________________________________ The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "Please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow." __________________________________________________ A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed. The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible." To which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible." __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Regina Castillo, Hobbs, New Mexico, USA  Car Jacking with two kids in the car  A woman in New Mexico allegedly stole a car with two children inside on July 4. The Hobbs Police Department said that a woman parked her white Hyundai Santa Fe in front of a store, and when she returned, an unknown female pushed her and got into the vehicle, driving off. Traffic camera video shows the mother attempting to stop the carjacking by getting on the hood of the car, but was unsuccessful at stopping the other woman. Inside the car were the woman's 6-year-old daughter and 11- month-old son When police officers located the car, they discovered that the suspect left the 6-year-old at an intersection prior to an attempt to flee police, officials say. The suspect, who was identified as Regina Castillo, then abandoned the car and began to run from police officers. Castillo was arrested after being found hiding behind a pickup truck in a residential area. In addition to the charges Castillo will face in relation to the carjacking, she had three active arrest warrants, including failure to appear on the charges of concealing identity, shoplifting and failure to appear for traffic violations, according to police. After the incident, Castillo was charged with unlawful taking of a motor vehicle, aggravated fleeing of a law enforcement officer, two counts of child abuse, resisting/evading or obstructing an officer, and three counts of failure to appear. Castillo has previously been charged with battery against a household member, two charges of resisting/evading or obstructing an officer, two charges of shoplifting, forgery, four charges of failure to appear, and one charge of concealing identity. The children were reunited with their mother after being treated by EMS. __________________________________________________ I heard about your cooking! You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer. You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece. Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat. Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk. When you barbecue; two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed- dial. Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren. The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols. Your microwave display reads "TILT!" Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests argue about which is which. Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven. You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan. Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes. You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware. Your family prays AFTER they eat! ___________________________________________________ Good Morning, Helmut-End-Of-List! Today is Monday, July 20 ___________________________________________________ Today, July 20 in 1969 Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin E. Aldrin, Jr. became the first men to walk on the moon. _____________________________________________________ Today's Bonehead Award: 2 arrested for home invasion, kidnapping victim,robbery, carjacking ______________________________________________________ Man is ready to die for an idea, provided that idea is not quite clear to him. --- Paul Eldridge _____________________________________________________ A young woman, wearing a tight leather mini-skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket, was waiting for the city bus. When the young woman stepped up to board the bus, she quickly realized that her skirt was too tight. The embarrassed young woman reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little. She hoped this would give her enough slack to climb the stairs onto the bus. Much to her chagrin, though, that didn't help. A big Texan, who was in line behind the embarrassed, young woman, gently lifted her from the waist and helped her onto the bus. As expected, the young woman went ballistic, and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch me! I don't even know who you are!" The big Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but since you were unzippin' my fly, I kinda figured that we was friends!" _____________________________________________________ Whitecourt, Alberta ___________________________________________________ Bill and Hilary Clinton were the guests of honor at the World Marching Girl and Drum Majorette Championships in New York. Hilary noticed that Bill had a smile on his face, so she said, " Well honey, what are you smiling at?" Bill replied, "Honey, if I had another inch, I'd be pretty popular amongst them Marching Girls." A big smile came across Hilary's face. Bill said, "What are you smiling about?" Hilary replied, "Bill, if you had one inch less, you'd be out there marching with them." ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Susan RE: Skype or HangOut? Dear Webby, I have used Skype for over 20 years, and though I am, like you, unhappy about what Microslop has done to it, I still use it, mainly because I am used to it. Some of my friends use HangOut and claim it is better. What is your opinion? Susan Dear Susan HangOut is half baked crap by comparison. The video on it is OK on some days. The "half baked" rating is because #1 you have to have Gmail open to be able to use it and #2 HangOut is nailed down on prime real estate on your monitor. Unlike Skype, you can't move it out of the way. Hangout may be OK if you just use it to flirt at your Sweetie, or have a hectic argument going without pause. Usually, that is the exception. I have used IRC, PowWow, ICQ, MSN, and Skype since about 1993 or 1994. Hectic conversation without pause is extremely rare. Usually you have a chat window open on the side, while you work, or take notes, or look up stuff. HangOut is most definitely NOT good enough for that. If you don't do any multi-tasking and strictly use it to flirt at your sweetie, or yell and scream at your kids, then HangOut or Gmail Chat would probably work for you, but if you do multi-tasking and just chat on the side, then Skype and ZOOM are better. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed. The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible." To which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible." _____________________________________________ I heard about your cooking! You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer. You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece. Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat. Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk. When you barbecue; two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed- dial. Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren. The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols. Your microwave display reads "TILT!" Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests argue about which is which. Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven. You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan. Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes. You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware. Your family prays AFTER they eat! ____________________________________________ The reason 30+ year old women get carded is because the cashiers and bagboys make bets on how OLD you really are and someone has to find out. They know you would lie if they asked you. __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was only 23. The groom looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought that the wedding night could kill the old man, because his bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman. But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairway slowly, step by step, and painfully bold-legged. She finally managed to hobble to the front desk. The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, "What happened to you? You look like you just got done wrestling an alligator." "Oh my God," said the bride. "He told me that he had been saving up for 75 years... ...I thought he meant his money!! And now I found out he blew all his money on the wedding!" ____________________________________________________   Darryl Machum Whitetail ___________________________________________________ My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother. "No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm." "He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?" _____________________________________________________ The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit. ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________________ More stuff you didn't need to know...but now you know it! Butterflies taste with their feet. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year. On average people fear spiders more than they do death. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. A snail can sleep for three years. No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH." Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY! The electric chair was invented by a dentist. All polar bears are left handed. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23- 33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow. _____________________________________________________ Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., Prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name. Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said. "Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco." ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Susan RE: Skype or HangOuts? Dear Webby, I have used Skype for over 20 years, and though I am, like you, unhappy about what Microslop has done to it, I still use it, mainly because I am used to it. Some of my friends use HangOut and claim it is better. What is your opinion? And now there is ZOOM! More learning? Susan  Dear Susan Dear Susan HangOut is half baked crap by comparison. The video on it is OK on some days. The "half baked" rating is because #1 you have to have Gmail open to be able to use it and #2 HangOut is nailed down on prime real estate on your monitor. Unlike Skype, you can't move it out of the way. Hangout may be OK if you just use it to flirt at your Sweetie, or have a hectic argument going without pause. Usually, that is the exception. I have used IRC, PowWow, ICQ, MSN, and Skype since about 1993 or 1994. Hectic conversation without pause is extremely rare. Usually you have a chat window open on the side, while you work, or take notes, or look up stuff. HangOut is most definitely NOT good enough for that. If you don't do any multi-tasking and strictly use it to flirt at your sweetie, or yell and scream at your kids, then HangOut or Gmail Chat would probably work for you, but if you do multi-tasking and just chat on the side, then Skype is better. And then there is ZOOM ! Much better video, and up to 1000 people! I was introduced to it by my Diabetic nurse. At first I was reluctant. Having to learn another system, while using it, really did not appeal to me. However, then she opened Excel on her machine, And Open Office CALC opened on mine, and in no time flat we were using voice, video and spreadsheets as if we were both on the same machine, not hundreds of miles apart! ZOOM most definitely is the winner. The challenge now is to get people, who have used Skype for more than 20 years to upgrade to ZOOM. That might take time, but is sure to happen soon. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________  Noemi Castro Bejarano The galaxy of andromeda, also known as Spiral Galaxy M31 Messier or NGC 224, is a spiral galaxy with a diameter of two hundred and twenty thousand light years (as far as its galactic halo is concerned) and about one hundred and fifty thousand light years between the extremes of his arms. It is the object visible to the farthest view of the earth (although some claim to be able to see the galaxy of the triangle, which is a little further away). It is 2.5 million light years away from the andromeda constellation. It is, together with our own galaxy, the largest and brightest of the galaxies of the local group, consisting of approximately 30 small galaxies plus three large spiral galaxies: Andromeda, the Milky Way and the triangle galaxy. ____________________________________________________ An old-time farm wife sold her vegetables at a road-side stand. One day a local web designer stopped by and suggested that she advertise on the web. "Certainly not!" she replied. "Last time I did that, so many people came, they bought out everything I had before lunch, and I stood here looking stupid!" ______________________________________________________ 

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Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

 Today, July 12, in 1096, Crusaders under Peter the Hermit reached Sofia, Bulgaria. There they met their Byzantine escort, which brought them safely the rest of the way to Constantinople. by August 1. 1543, England's King Henry VIII married his sixth and last wife, Catherine Parr. 1690, Protestant forces led by William of Orange defeated the Roman Catholic army of James II. 1691, William III defeated the allied Irish and French armies at the Battle of Aughrim, Ireland. 1790, The French Assembly approved a Civil Constitution providing for the election of priests and bishops. 1806, The Confederation of the Rhine was established in Germany. 1862, The U.S. Congress authorized the Medal of Honor. 1864, U.S. President Abraham Lincoln witnessed the battle where Union forces repelled Jubal Early's army on the outskirts of Washington, DC. 1870, The first rotary can opener with a cutting wheel was patented by William W. Lyman. 1912, The first foreign-made film to premiere in America, "Queen Elizabeth", was shown. 1933, A minimum wage of 40 cents an hour was established in the U.S. 1941, Moscow was bombed by the German Luftwaffe for the first time. 1946, "The Adventures of Sam Spade" was heard on ABC radio for the first time. 1954, U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower proposed a highway modernization program, with costs to be shared by federal and state governments. 1957, The U.S. surgeon general, Leroy E. Burney, reported that there was a direct link between smoking and lung cancer. 1960, Manufacturing began for the Etch A Sketch. 1982, "E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial" broke all box-office records by surpassing the $100-million mark of ticket sales in the first 31 days of its opening. 1982, The last of the distinctive-looking Checker taxicabs rolled off the assembly line in Kalamazoo, MI. 1998, 1.7 billion people watched soccer's World Cup finals between France and Brazil. France won 3-0. 1999, Walt Disney Co. announced that it was merging all of its Internet operations together with Infoseek into Go.com. 2000, Russia launched the Zvezda after two years of delays. The module was built to be the living quarters for the International Space Station (ISS.) 2022 Do! smiled. 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

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