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Todays Bonehead Award: MA Bonehead tried to rob bank, left empty handed and hit a police car while trying to get away. He continued driving, but struck a utility pole. Details at Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, July 14, in 1430 Joan of Arc, taken prisoner by the Burgundians in May, was handed over to Pierre Cauchon, the bishop of Beauvais. More of what happened on this day in history. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | | | |
______________________________________________________ Some people die at 25 but aren't buried until they are 70. -- Mark Twain ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Anita came running up to her husband in the driveway just jumping for joy. She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!" "I'm pregnant!" He was ecstatic! They had been trying for a while; he grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!" "What do you mean, 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!!!!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | | | |
A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major stress syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied "I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it." The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but he decided to give it a try. So he went out on a week day so his normal golfing buddies wouldn't see him, and proceeded to tee up an imaginary ball. Lo and behold, he birdied the first hole! He was playing the best game he had ever played, with birdie or eagle on every hole, as he approached the 9th green. Another single gentleman had been playing ahead of him and watching this game with much curiosity. The second golfer waited before he teed off on the 10th hole and asked the first golfer if he would like to join him. They did, and as they played the 10th hole, the second golfer asked him what he was doing. The first golfer explained that his doctor had told him to play a round of golf with an imaginary ball to relieve his stress, and it was working. Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress and asked if it would be all right to play with an imaginary ball, also. The first golfer said "Sure!" They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both men are tied to this point in their round. The second golfer teed his imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started jumping up and down shouting, "Ace! I win!" The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said "No, I won. That was my ball you aced." ______________________________________________________ A golfer who was known for his bad temper walked into the pro shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of woods. The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back. But the next time he came in, he was all smiles. "They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 20 yards farther than I could my last ones." ______________________________________________________ Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe ______________________________________________________ If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! ______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by MA Bonehead tried to rob bank, left empty handed and hit a police car while trying to get away. He continued driving, but struck a utility pole. Prince Conteh, 26, Lowell, Massachusetts Police say he had a shotgun, but fled empty-handed A would-be robber fled a Long Island bank empty-handed Saturday morning and was captured after crashing his getaway car into a police vehicle, authorities said. Prince Conteh, 26, of Lowell, Massachusetts, entered a Bank of America in Hempstead at about 11:50 a.m. and demanded cash from a woman employee, Nassau County detectives said. He was armed with a shotgun, they said. The employee refused to allow Conteh to enter the teller area, so he left the bank empty-handed, police said. While making his getaway, Conteh crashed his car into a Hempstead patrol car. He continued driving, but struck a utility pole. Conteh hopped out of car, dropped his shotgun and ran, but officers caught him with help from people in the vicinity. The officer whose patrol car was struck was taken to a local hospital and treated for neck and back pain, police said. Conteh was charged with first-degree attempted robbery, second-degree assault and criminal use of a firearm. Hit & Run might be added later. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Dean RE: Scroll Lock key Dear Webby, What is the Scroll Lock key for ? The IT tech here said it was an obsolete legacy key from the old days of DOS. Somehow I think it would have been dumped to save money if it was really obsolete. What is the real truth about it? Dean Dear Dean The Scroll Lock key is far from obsolete, however only people who work on spreadsheets, word processing documents, databases and graphics use it. If you are in a spreadsheet and want to scroll the sheet instead of the highlight of a cell, hit ScrollLock and use the arrow keys. The same trick works in word processors and databases and some graphics programs. Sure, you could do the same by taking a hand away from the keyboard and mousing around for a while. However, most professionals want to get work done as fast as possible and try to keep their hands on the keyboard. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Savoury Cheese and Vegetable Tart By attosa [218 Posts, 509 Comments] This is one of my favourite savoury tarts to make. It's much like a quiche. You can add whatever vegetables you have on hand. The cheese is also optional. My father hates cheese so his cheese-free version is pictured here, too. You can also use a use store bought pie crust. Savoury Cheese and Vegetable Tart Approximate Time: 1 hour Yield: 6-8 servings Ingredients: 1 1/4 cup flour 1 stick butter, cold 2 Tbsp milk 10 oz mushrooms, sliced 1 medium onion, sliced 1/2 head broccoli 4 slices red pepper 2 eggs 1/4 cup milk 6 oz cheese 1 Tbsp flour salt and pepper to taste Steps: Chop your cold stick of butter into small pieces and mix with flour. Use utensils or your fingers to crumble into a sand-like texture. Slowly drizzle in the two tablespoons of milk. Press this mixture into a ball shape, cover with plastic wrap, and set aside in your refrigerator for at least 30 minutes. Fry your onions, mushroom and broccoli in a pan on medium until lightly browned. Remove pan from heat. Sprinkle flour all over this mixture. Immediately add your milk and mix well. Let cool. Beat eggs and mix into veggie mixture. Preheat oven to 375 F. Remove dough ball from refrigerator and roll with a rolling pin. Press into an 8 or 9 inch pie dish. Prick the bottom of the pie crust with a fork several times. Bake for 10-12 minutes, until lightly golden on edges. Pour the veggie/flour/milk/egg mixture into your half baked crust. Top with cheese and pepper slices. Bake in oven at 375 F for 22-25 minutes. Let cool. Enjoy! ______________________________________________________ Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
_____________________________________________________ Someday I guess I'm just gonna get arrested, but I can't resist off-the-wall humor when people least expect it. I went into the department store and was greeted by a pretty salesgirl with a slightly foreign accent, who said, "Good ahvternoon sir, vat is it you desire?" Naturally I grinned and winked with an eyebrow. She defintiely was not slow and instantly blushed. So I told her that she was even more beautiful when she blushed. That didn't go over too well and she threw the phone at me, or would have if it hadn't had a line on it. Probably the one she was standing on. That line tore the phone out of her hand in mid swing, and bounced it against the front of her strapless tube-top. The tightly stretched tube top gave way and various top secret foam wedges and shims flew out and all over the counter top. That made her fly into a total rage, and instead of re- loading her tube top, she started throwing anything within her reach at me, including those foam items. It was quite a show! Eventually she realized that she was rather exposed and tried to pull up her tube top. That is when she found out the hard way that a size D tube does not stay put on a size B girl unless there is some help from foam wedges and shims, but that those had bounced off my head and were mixing it up with the rubber duckies in the fountain behind me. So she shrieked and ran away, holding up her now rather lose tube-top with both hands. Luckily for me another store employee close by had watched the whole episode and came over. ___________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ One day, when I was still living way out of town, the engine on my truck decided to die and I had to hitch-hike into town to get some parts. There was not much traffic in those days, but as luck would have it, a cute blonde lady came along and stopped for me. It turned out that she was a bush-bunny and just as bushed as I was. After a few miles and smiles we sat pretty close and it became increasingly difficult to tell who was actually driving the truck. Above the town the "Old Highway" splits off. The "Old Highway" wasn't used much for driving any more, mostly for "parking". She pulled in there and parked. The cab of the truck was definitely too crowded, and the loading bed of the truck was not very inviting in the starting rain. However, there is lots of room under a 4x4 pick-up truck. Some time later somebody rudely kicked my leg and asked: "Just what in heck do you think you are doing here?" My vision was quite obscured because I was on the bottom, but I recognize a police boot. So I told him: "I'm just working on her clutch." The cop chuckled and told me: "Might as well work on her parking brake too.... Her truck is inside the church at the bottom of the hill." ____________________________________________________ When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were waiting in a doctors office a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. "Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits!" ____________________________________________________ | | I've always wanted to visit England and even more so now after these gorgeous photos! |
| Today on July 14 1223 In France, Louis VIII succeeded his father, Philip Augustus. 1430 Joan of Arc, taken prisoner by the Burgundians in May, was handed over to Pierre Cauchon, the bishop of Beauvais. 1456 Hungarians defeated the Ottomans at the Battle of Belgrade. 1536 France and Portugal signed the naval treaty of Lyons, which aligned them against Spain. 1789 French Revolution began with Parisians stormed the Bastille prison and released the seven prisoners inside. 1798 The U.S. Congress passed the Sedition Act. The act made it a federal crime to write, publish, or utter false or malicious statements about the U.S. government. 1868 Alvin J. Fellows patented the tape measure. 1891 The primacy of Thomas Edison's lamp patents was upheld in the court decision Electric Light Company vs. U.S. Electric Lighting Company. 1900 European Allies retook Tientsin, China, from the rebelling Boxers. 1911 Harry N. Atwood landed an airplane on the lawn of the White House to accept an award from U.S. President William Taft. 1914 Robert H. Goddard patented liquid rocket-fuel. 1933 All German political parties except the Nazi Party were outlawed. 1940 A force of German Ju-88 bombers attacked Suez, Egypt, from bases in Crete. 1941 Vichy French Foreign Legionaries signed an armistice in Damascus, which allowed them to join the Free French Foreign Legion. 1945 American battleships and cruisers bombarded the Japanese home islands for the first time. 1946 Dr. Benjamin Spocks "The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care" was first published. 1951 The first sports event to be shown in color, on CBS-TV, was the Molly Pitcher Handicap at Oceanport, NJ. 1951 The George Washington Carver National Monument in Joplin, MO, became the first national park to honor an African American. 1958 The army of Iraq overthrew the monarchy. 1965 The American space probe Mariner 4 flew by Mars, and sent back photographs of the planet. 1967 Eddie Mathews (Houston Astros) hit his 500th career home run. 1968 Hank Aaron (Atlanta Braves) hit his 500th career home run. 1981 The All-Star Game was postponed because of a 33-day-old baseball players strike. The game was held on August 9. 1998 Los Angeles sued 15 tobacco companies for $2.5 billion over the dangers of secondhand smoke. 2001 Beijing was awarded the 2008 Olympics. It was the first time that the China had been awarded the games. 2003 Jerry Springer officially filed papers to run for the U.S. Senate from Ohio. 2008 The iTunes Music Store reached 10 million applications downloaded. 2008 In Japan, construction began on the Tokyo Skytree tower. 2009 The iTunes Music Store reached 1.5 billion applications downloaded. 2015 NASA's New Horizons spacecraft became the first space mission to explore Pluto. 2016 Do smiled. |
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