Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, January 4 ___________________________________________________ Today, January 4 in 1999 Former professional wrestler Jesse Ventura was sworn in as Minnesota's 37th governor. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: Drunk driver assured police that, "I'm a professional drinker" __________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! _______________________________________________ Imitation is the sincerest form of television. --- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956) Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important. --- Eugene McCarthy (1916 - 2005) If God lived on earth, people would break his windows. --- Jewish Proverb "Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone." --- Anthony Burgess _______________________________________________ A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics, they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday nights, they began to squirm. They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they convinced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said: You were born Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic. And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling BBQ sauce on the steak saying: You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But now you are fish. -------- Yeah, I know it is an old joke and that in the USA Catholics can now eat meat on Fridays, just no oral sex. It's still a good joke, though. ________________________________________________` Anastasia Trusova ____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by George Emmanuel, 54, Gulfport, Florida Drunk driver assured police that, "I'm a professional drinker" A tipsy Florida Motorist whose blood alcohol content was measured at nearly three times the legal limit admitted consuming whiskey shots prior to driving, but assured cops, I'm a professional drinker. George Emmanuel, 54, was collared late Wednesday evening after a sheriff's deputy spotted his vehicle speeding in a 35 mph zone. After being pulled over, Emmanuel--who was wobbly and had watery and glassy eyes--performed poorly on a series of field sobriety tests. Additionally, his blood alcohol contest was measured at .218 and .211 (.08 is the legal limit). After being read his rights, Emmanuel admitted to consuming 1- 2 shots of whiskey prior to driving, according to an arrest affidavit. The Gulfport resident also reportedly declared, I'm a professional drinker. Seen above, Emmanuel was arrested on a misdemeanor DUI charge. He was released from the county jail early yesterday on his own recognizance. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Yolanda Re: Save all pictures Dear Webby, My dingbat sister got her computer so messed up, that only a complete format will fix it. She WANTS to be organized, and puts everything into their own categories and folders, but then forgets she already has a dozen similar categories with slightly different spellings or abbreviations, and she also has a lot of duplicates. Is there a fast and easy way to dump all pictures into one huge folder, that I can drag onto a DVD? Thanks Yolanda Dear Yolanda Yes, just click START, SEARCH and tell it to look for all .jpg files. When that is done, hot CTRL A to select all, and drag them to the DVD. Then do the same with .gif and .png She probably also has a lot of PPS and PPT presentations, and a ton of little movies. Again, do exactly the same. You COULD drag the stuff into a new folder on the computer, but in that case use SHIFT drag, otherwise you make one more duplicate, and might not have room for it all. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. A bunch of guys decided one morning that they would go deer hunting. So they all piled into the station wagon with their guns and took off down the road looking for a place to go hunting. After driving awhile they came across an old farm house with a large spread of woods behind it. One of the guys went to the door and asked the farmer if they could hunt in his woods. When asked, the farmer said "Yes, sure, but would you do me a favor? The ol' bull in the corall there beside the house is on his last legs and I know he is sufferin', would you kindly put him down for me? I don' have the heart to." As the hunter walked back to the station wagon, he decided to play a prank on his fellow hunters. So when he got back to the station wagon he pulled out his rifle and said "..I'll teach that old coot for not letting us hunt on his property!" and shot the old bull. After he fired the shot, he heard another shot and another one, and one of the other hunters proclaim, "Yea, we'll show him... I got the cow and the calf, too!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Linda went into the local bookstore and saw this big display with a sign saying "Newly Translated from the Original French: 37 Mating Positions." Noticing the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, she just had to buy one. Once safely at home, she opened it and found that she had just purchased a very expensive book about chess. ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Satisfy Sweet Cravings With Dried Fruit Satisfy your sweet tooth with simple candied fruit available at your grocers. Or make your own in your oven or dehydrator. By Melody_yesterday from Otterville, MO Don't get too carried away, though! Keep in mind that a pound of dried apples or apricots is the equivalent of 10-12 pounds of fruit, when it expands again in your somach. Be especially careful with fruits like dried strawberries. If you want somebody away from the computer and parked in the outhouse for a day, give them a bag of dried strawberries to pick on while they are at the computer. Dried fruit should be a rationed treat, not for absentminded snacking. Have FUN! DearWebby Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ Old Classic from the days, when TVs were in huge consoles: A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous." There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squashed up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door. The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you? ___________________________________________________ Q: What is the difference between a psychotic and a neurotic? A: A psychotic thinks that 2 plus 2 makes 5. A neurotic KNOWS that 2 plus 2 makes 4 -- but that is just not good enough for her. (or him) ___________________________________________________ One day, a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered deeply into the hole examining it for fish. Suddenly, a loud voice boomed, "There are no fish down there." Surprised, but not discouraged, the fisherman continued on. He walked several yards away, drilled another hole and peered deeply into it. Again, out of nowhere, a voice suddenly boomed, "There's no fish down there." A bit nervous now, the fisherman managed to continue. He walked about 50 yards away and drilled yet another hole, peered long and deep into the hole, hoping for some fish. Suddenly, the voice boomed again, this time louder than ever, "There's no fish down there!!!" The fisherman, quite frightened at this point, looked up into the sky and asked, "God!? Is that you?" "No, you idiot," the voice said. "I'm the hockey rink manager, and when my coffee break is over, I am going to kick your ass!" __________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today January 4 in 1850 The first American ice-skating club was organized in Philadelphia, PA. 1884 The socialist Fabian Society was founded in London. 1936 The first pop music chart based on national sales was published by "Billboard" magazine. 1944 The attack on Monte Cassino was launched by the British Fifth Army in Italy. 1948 Britain granted independence to Burma. 1951 During the Korean conflict, North Korean and Communist Chinese forces captured the city of Seoul. 1953 Tufted plastic carpeting was introduced by Barwick Mills. 1957 "Collier's" magazine was published for the last time. The periodical was published for 69 years. 1958 The Soviet satellite Sputknik I fell to the earth from its orbit. The craft had been launched on October 4, 1957. 1962 New York City introduced a train that operated without conductors and motormen. 1965 The Fender Guitar Company was sold to CBS for $13 million. 1974 NBC-TV presented hockey in prime time. The Boston Bruins and the New York Rangers were the teams in the National Hockey League (NHL) game. 1984 Wayne 'The Great One' Gretzky scored eight points (four goals and four assists) for the second time in his National Hockey League (NHL) career. Edmonton's Oilers defeated the Minnesota North Stars, 12-8. The game was the highest-scoring NHL game to date. 1991 The U.N. Security Council voted unanimously to condemn Israel's treatment of the Palestinians in the occupied territories. 1997 The Greek Cypriot government signed an agreement to buy S- 300 surface-to-air missiles from Russia. 1999 A drifting Nicaraguan fishing boat was found by the Norwegian oil tanker Joelm. The fisherman had been lost at sea for 35 days after the engine of their vessel quit working. 1999 Former professional wrestler Jesse Ventura was sworn in as Minnesota's 37th governor. 2007 Nancy Pelosi became Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives. She was the first woman to hold the position. 2010 In Dubai, United Arab Emirates, the Burj Dubai (Dubai Tower) opened as the world's tallest tower at 2,625 feet. 2019 Do smiled. |
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