Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, February 26 ___________________________________________________ Today, February 26 in 1986 Corazon Aquino was inaugurated president of the Philippines. Long time President Ferdinand Marcos went into exile. ______________________________________________________ I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: Man stole bike to mark 4 months clean __________________________________________ Three guys, one Newfie, one Quebecois, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, thats three wishes in total," says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dads a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genies eye "poof" the oceans were teaming with fish. The Quebecker was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Quebec, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genies eye "poof" there was a huge wall around England. The Newfie asks, "Im very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting Quebec so that nothing can get in or out." The Newfie says, "Please Fill it up with screech and put a tap right HERE!" __________________________________________ Thanks to Jean for sending this picture: __________________________________________ A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants." ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD AND a DARWIN AWARD has been earned by Man stole bike to mark 4 months clean Jackson Hanley, 29, Mesa, Arizona An Arizona man arrested for allegedly stealing a motorcycle from a Kawasaki dealership told police he was celebrating 4 months of sobriety and decided he wanted a chopper, according to court records. Investigators say that Jackson Hanley, 29, was actually intoxicated when he walked into a Mesa dealership earlier this month and grabbed a Kawasaki motorcycle and began pushing it down the street. Hanley, who rode his bicycle to Kellys Kawasaki, had his theft bid thwarted when a customer alerted an employee that a crime was in progress. Police were then summoned and Hanley was located about a mile away. The defendant, a cop noted, was found resting on a fence with the bike slightly tipped over but still upright. Hanley, cops say, admitted to stealing the motorcycle. He said he was celebrating 4 months of sobriety and decided he wanted a motorcycle. Hanley reportedly said he was going to walk it back home and try and start it there. Seen above, Hanley was admittedly drunk due to his consumption of vodka and Moscato wine, according to a probable cause statement. The Kawasaki suffered $3500 in damages to its exhaust due to the way the motorcycle was leaning against the asphalt when it was recovered by police. Hanley was charged with felony theft in connection with the February 11 incident. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Moe Re: Revo UNinstaller Dear Webby I use revo al the time. not figure out their target remover gun site mode.but i even donate to them. ie i use it all the time.but think the paid version was too goofy.and went back to an older Windows 7 free edition.but the key thing to watch is that the targeted system may have its own uninstaller that launches when REVO is run. then may say to reboot to get rid of a few files that running. DO NOT ReBoot!!!go find the still running REVO screen and complete its purge of folders and registry entries. Then do a reboot whenever.and never use on an Anti Virus. go to the AV site and run their specialprogram to do that function.and user still must use CCleaner to check for goofy jobs in Start Up -and in the two Program Files, and Common files folders.also can look at disk with SEARCH EVERYTHING. Funny how they all their Uninstaller - REMOVE EVERYTHING. And REVO has a nice tool bar of handy Windows tools. Side bar stuff too.cheers ,moe Dear Moe I agree 100%. For the few out there in the cold, who don't have REVO yet, here is the link again: REVO Uninstaller Have FUN! DearWebby
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____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________ From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any ol' person vote. --Age 10 Home is where the house is. --Age 6 I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he stinks. --Age 15 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6 My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10 I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. --Age 15 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? -Age 15 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15 _____________________________________________ This letter was sent in response to Dr Laura's claim that homosexuality is an abomination because it's against the Bible. Dear Dr. Laura, Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. That used to be the end of debate! However, now that the pope is a homosexual and a communist, it gets rather confusing. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some specific law and how to best follow them as a true believer. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this? Should I smite them? I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify? I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to smite him myself or get him stoned? A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear prescription glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident that you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. ____________________________________________ After a two year-long study (at taxpayers expense), the Department of Defense announced the following results on the recreational preferences of military personnel: 1. The sport of choice for E-1, E-2 & E-3: Basketball. 2. The sport of choice for E- 4 & E-5: Bowling. 3. The sport of choice for E-6, E-7 & E-8: Football 4. The sport of choice for O-1, O-2 & O-3: Baseball or Softball 5. The sport of choice for O-4, O-5 & O-6: Tennis 6. The sport of choice for 0-7 and above: is Golf. Conclusion: the higher you are in the Chain of Command, the smaller your balls become. In the Pentagon they play with and frequently loose their marbles. ____________________________________________ | No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today February 26 in 1815 Napoleon Bonaparte escaped from the Island of Elba. He then began his second conquest of France. 1848 The second French Republic was proclaimed. 1863 U.S. President Lincoln signed the National Currency Act. 1870 In New York City, the first pneumatic-powered subway line was opened to the public. 1881 S.S. Ceylon began its world-wide cruise, beginning in Liverpool, England. 1907 The U.S. Congress raised their own pay to $7500. 1916 Mutual signed Charlie Chaplin to a film contract. 1919 In Arizona, the Grand Canyon was established as a National Park with an act of the U.S. Congress. 1929 U.S. President Coolidge signed a bill creating the Grand Teton National Park. 1930 New York City installed traffic lights. 1933 A ground-breaking ceremony was held at Crissy Field for the Golden Gate Bridge. 1945 In the U.S., a nationwide midnight curfew went into effect. 1952 British Prime Minister Winston Churchill announced that Britain had developed an atomic bomb. 1979 "Flatbush" debuted on CBS-TV. 1986 Corazon Aquino was inaugurated president of the Philippines. Long time President Ferdinand Marcos went into exile. 1991 Iraqi President Saddam Hussein announced on Baghdad Radio that Iraqi troops were being withdrawn from Kuwait. 1993 Six people were killed and more than a thousand injured when a van exploded in the parking garage beneath the World Trade Center in New York City. The bomb had been built by Islamic extremists. 1995 Barings PLC collapsed after a securities dealer lost more than $1.4 billion by gambling on Tokyo stock prices. The company was Britain's oldest investment banking firm. 1998 A Texas jury rejected an $11 million lawsuit by Texas cattlemen who blamed Oprah Winfrey for price drop after on- air comment about mad-cow disease. 1998 In Oregon, a health panel ruled that taxpayers must help to pay for doctor-assisted suicides. 2001 A U.N. tribunal convicted Bosnian Croat political leader Dario Kordic and military commander Mario Cerkez of war crimes. They had ordered the systematic murder and persecution of Muslim civilians during the Bosnian war. 2002 In Rome, Italy, a bomb exploded near the Interior Ministry. No injuries were reported. 2009 Former Serbian president Milan Milutinovic was acquitted by the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia regarding war crimes during the Kosovo War. 2009 The Pentagon reveresed its 18-year policy of not allowing media to cover returning war dead. The reversal allowsd some media coverage with family approval. 2020 Do smiled. |
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