Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, March 13 Today in 1951 Israel demanded $1.5 billion in German reparations for the cost of caring for war refugees. ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Drunk driver in Skyway 10K crash was 3 times over legal limit ___________________________________________________ There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers. --- Richard Feynman (1918 - 1988) ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Today, March 13 in 1884 Standard time was adopted throughout the U.S. ____________________________________________________ Would those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry. --- John Lennon (1940 - 1980) Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. --- Robert Benchley (1889 - 1945) Adventure is just bad planning. --- Roald Amundsen (1872 - 1928) My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers. --- Woody Allen (1935 - ) ------Yeah, me too. ___________________________________________________ >From Carol This happened yesterday and is important information for our age group (and beyond). A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home. When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor or be hospitalized. He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination center immediately and pick up his glasses! ___________________________________________________ When I was 28, I was teaching English in a high school where occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress down. One of those days I donned a sweatshirt and slacks. A student came in, and his eyes widened. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "You should wear clothes like that every day. You look twenty, maybe even thirty years younger. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ "Louisa, could you help me with my math homework?" asked her younger brother. Certainly not," replied Louisa indignantly. "It wouldn't be right." "Probably not," said her brother, "but you could at least try and show me how you faked it !" ____________________________________________________ @fuzzyfawn ___________________________________________________ The young lady was severely overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks, and the next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When she returned in two weeks she shocked the doctor -- she had lost nearly 20 pounds! "This is amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" She nodded. "And I tell you doctor, I thought I was going to drop dead by that sixth day." "From hunger, you mean? asked the doctor." "No, from all that damn skipping!" ____________________________________________________ Phrases NOT in an Arkansas' Vocabulary! 30.Oh I just couldn't; Hell, she's only sixteen. 29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 28. Duct tape won't fix that. 27. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan. 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. We don't keep firearms in this house. 24. Who gives a crap who won the Civil War? 23. You can't feed that to the dog. 22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spittin is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than expresso. 17.Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 16. I thought Graceland was tacky. 15.No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 14. Honey, we don't need another dog. 13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? 12. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 11. Wrestling's fake. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 9. The tires on that truck are too big. 8. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts, and would you please bring my salad dressing on the side. 7. What nice body this Merlot has. 6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 5. I don't have a favorite college team. 4. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 3. You All. 2. Checkmate. 1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving tonight. ____________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Kristen Watts, 52, Sarasota, Florida, USA Drunk driver in Skyway 10K crash was 3 times over legal limit The driver, Kristen Watts of Sarasota, is accused of trying to swing at one trooper after crashing head-on into another troopers Highway Patrol SUV. Kristen Kay Watts, a 52-year-old Sarasota woman, has been charged with two counts of DUI with damage to property or person, two counts of reckless driving with damage to property or a person and DUI causing serious bodily injury. On Tuesday, court records show Watts waived a formal arraignment and entered a not guilty plea to all charges that stemmed from the crash that happened on the Manatee County side of the Sunshine Skyway Bridge during the Skyway 10K running event. The arrest report has also been released detailing the moments when Watts got out of her car seconds after the crash and "started to stumble around." According to the report, Watts attempted to reenter her car, and law enforcement ended up having to subdue her before giving the woman medical attention. An FHP sergeant said she smelled an odor of alcohol from Watts' breath when meeting her at the hospital, the report says. Watts was yelling at a state trooper and even attempted to swing at them but missed, investigators said. The report says Watts had slurred speech, yelled at medical staff attempting to treat her and couldn't inform the trooper of where she was. Medical staff later told law enforcement that Watts had a medical blood alcohol level of .271 more than three times the legal drinking limit, the report says. Later when Watts was released from Bayfront Health, she was placed under arrest and transported to the Manatee County Jail, according to court records. There, the report says she provided another breath sample through a breathalyzer almost six hours after the crash and showed a blood- alcohol level of .094. She reportedly tested again minutes later and it showed .090. That Sunday, authorities accused Watts of driving through traffic cones and around barricades set up to keep drivers off northbound Interstate 275 for the fifth annual Skyway 10K event. Around 8:45 a.m., She made her way through the closed toll plaza on the Manatee County side of the Sunshine Skyway Bridge, according to the Florida Highway Patrol in an earlier report. Seeing the approaching car, FHP Sgt. Steve Gaskins radioed two troopers and others to have them intercept it and protect the thousands of runners on the bridge. Two of the troopers stopped in the roadway, using their cruisers as physical barriers to keep Watts from potentially plowing into participants, FHP said. Investigators say Watts' 2011 BMW 335i ultimately crashed almost head-on with the SUV driven by one of the two troopers. The BMW reportedly caught fire briefly. Toni Schuck, the injured trooper in the crash, has been with FHP for 26 years. She's now home recovering with a concussion and head wound that required stitches. The injuries are expected to cause permanent scarring to her head and face. "On behalf of the Skyway 10K, we are beyond thankful for our law enforcement partners and the trooper who risked her life to keep our race participants safe," event organizer James Judge said in a statement earlier this week. "We are extremely grateful for the Florida Highway Patrol and all of our federal, state and local law enforcement partner agencies, not only for providing layers of security for this event, but the sacrifices they make every day." Anyone wishing to contact Schuck may send their thoughts to her attention at the Florida Highway Patrol,11305 North McKinley Drive, Tampa, FL 33612 or visit the FLHSMV and FHP social media pages. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ From: Lisa Re: Replacement mouse Dear Webby My trusty old Logitech M510 wireless mouse died. Warranty expired and it promtly died. They don't last a day longer than Microsoft mice. So I got another one just like it, and am worried about how to get all the settings the same. I use all 7 buttons, and have some other customizaions. Remembering all those setting is not going to happen in this life. Now what? Lisa Dear Lisa Don't worry. Take the batteries out of the old mouse. The new mouse will have batteries in it. Just move the switch inn the back to ON, and the new mouse will start in about 3 seconds. It will use the old settings, and it will act just like the old mouse did, before the warranty expired. Have FUN! DearWebby My blonde friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils." The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Velly bootiful," he said politely. "Ivoly from sca-ace, endange-ad animahs, instead of fahm gwown choptick wood. In old time ony litch sumbitch bigshot use ivoly choptick to make shoo-a wood was not poisoned." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ I once had a secretary, who claimed that she liked living like she typed: Fast and with lots of mistakes. ______________________________________________ >From Louise No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet. The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double- checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the seat with much elan and style, and accidentally kicked her right in the chin. ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
>From Jean Jose and Carlos are panhandlers... They panhandle on different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?". Jose says,... "Look at your sign, what does it say"? Carlos sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'." Jose says "No wonder you only get 2-3 dollars". Carlos says... "So what does your sign say"? Jose shows Carlos his sign...it reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico". ___________________________________________________ | Today, March 13, in 0607 The 12th recorded passage of Halley's Comet occurred. 1519 Cortez landed in Mexico. 1660 A statute was passed limiting the sale of slaves in the colony of Virginia. 1777 The U.S. Congress ordered its European envoys to appeal to high-ranking foreign officers to send troops to reinforce the American army. 1781 Sir William Herschel discovered the planet Uranus. 1852 The New York "Lantern" newspaper published the first "Uncle Sam cartoon". It was drawn by Frank Henry Bellew. 1865 Jefferson Davis signed a bill authorizing slaves to be used as soldiers for the Confederacy. 1877 Chester Greenwood patented the earmuff. 1884 Standard time was adopted throughout the U.S. 1900 In South Africa, British Gen. Roberts took Bloemfontein. 1901 Andrew Carnegie announced that he was retiring from business and that he would spend the rest of his days giving away his fortune. His net worth was estimated at $300 million. 1902 In Poland, schools were shut down across the country when students refused to sing the Russian hymn "God Protect the Czar." 1908 The people of Jerusalem saw an automobile for the first time. The owner was Charles Glidden of Boston. 1911 The U.S. Supreme Court approved corporate tax law. 1915 The Germans repelled a British expeditionary force attack in France. 1918 Women were scheduled to march in the St. Patrick's Day Parade in New York due to a shortage of men due to wartime. 1925 A law in Tennessee prohibited the teaching of evolution. 1930 It was announced that the planet Pluto had been discovered by scientist Clyde Tombaugh at the Lowell Observatory. 1935 Three-thousand-year-old archives were found in Jerusalem confirming some biblical history. 1940 The war between Russia and Finland ended with the signing of a treaty in Moscow. 1941 Adolf Hitler issued an edict calling for an invasion of the U.S.S.R. 1942 Julia Flikke of the Nurse Corps became the first woman colonel in the U.S. Army. 1943 Japanese forces ended their attack on the American troops on Hill 700 in Bougainville. 1946 Reports from Iran indicated that Soviet tanks units were stationed 20 miles from Teheran. 1946 Premier Tito seized wartime collaborator General Draja Mikhailovich in a cave in Yugoslavia. 1951 Israel demanded $1.5 billion in German reparations for the cost of caring for war refugees. 1951 The comic strip "Dennis the Menace" appeared for the first time in newspapers across the country. 1957 Jimmy Hoffa was arrested by the FBI on bribery charges. 1963 China invited Soviet President Khrushchev to visit Peking. 1969 The Apollo 9 astronauts returned to Earth after the conclusion of a mission that included the successful testing of the Lunar Module. 1970 Cambodia ordered Hanoi and Viet Cong troops to leave. 1970 Digital Equipment Corp. introduced the PDP-11 minicomputer. 1974 The U.S. Senate voted 54-33 to restore the death penalty. 1974 An embargo imposed by Arab oil-producing countries was lifted. 1980 A jury in Winamac, IN, found Ford Motor Company innocent of reckless homicide in the deaths of three young women that had been riding in a Ford Pinto. 1990 The U.S. lifted economic sanctions against Nicaragua. 1991 Exxon paid $1 billion in fines and for the clean-up of the Alaskan oil spill. 2003 Japan sent a destroyer to the Sea of Japan amid reports that North Korea was planning to test an intermediate-range ballistic missile. 2003 A report in the journal "Nature" reported that scientists had found 350,000-year-old human footprints in Italy. The 56 prints were made by three early, upright- walking humans that were descending the side of a volcano. 2012 After 244 years of publication, Encyclopdia Britannica announced it would discontinue its print edition. 2022 Do smiled. |
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