Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, April 6 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Fresno man arrested for possession and distribution of child porn ___________________________________________________ Today, April 4 in 1916 Charlie Chaplin became the highest-paid film star in the world when he signed a contract with Mutual Film Corporation for $675,000 a year. He was 26 years old. ____________________________________________________ Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. --- Barry LePatner It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. --- Alfred Adler (1870 - 1937) ____________________________________________________ Now The updated version for the 21st Century woman. 1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood. 2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!) 3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage. 4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's! 5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile . . . this way he might fix it faster). 6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup. 7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care. 8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word. 9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed. 10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does. ____________________________________________________ Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company. Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way. One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was 'DOME' and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password. She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did. After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed. "Well, what does it mean?" I asked. She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words." There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day." ____________________________________________________ "Don't make me come down there!" ____________________________________________________ The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20- minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for." ____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Kyle Medders, 24, Fresno, California, USA Fresno man arrested for possession and distribution of child porn Fresno County Sheriffs detectives arrested 24-year-old Kyle Medders of Fresno, accused of possession and distribution of child pornography. On Friday, members of the Central Valley Internet Crimes Against Children (ICAC) Task Force performed follow-up work on a tip related to possession of child pornography. Detectives contacted Medders on N. Gentry Ave. near Bullard and Brawley in Fresno. They served a search warrant and found numerous videos of infants and toddlers being raped. Medders was arrested and booked into the Fresno County Jail on a felony charge of possession and distribution of child pornography. His bail is set at $20,000. At the time of his arrest, Medders was an employee of a local ice cream shop. Detectives have not developed any information of Medders having physical contact with children so the name of the business is not being released at this time. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: DiAnne Re: Rescue data from crashed computer Dear Webby I like your newsletter & photos and read it everyday. I have never written to you, but, I thought you might have an opinion about my latest problem. My desktop crashed or I got the "terrible" blue screen with a warning code. nvd.displ. I could run in safe mode, but, now I just get a black screen and it freezes when I try to go to safe mode. My Dell is only 4 years old. I am not sure what the problem is yet, but, I called Dell support and of course in touch with a barely speaking English person from who knows where. What I was told was to hit F12 and then told it what it said, also I was asked if I had 4 green lights on the back. I was then ask if I had downloaded anything. I did download 2 days prior to the crash a free version of Quick Books from Intuit. I was then told by Dell Tech that I did not have a hardware problem, it was corrupted software. So I was told to find all my CDs and call them back. They told me I would lose anything I had put on the computer all my e-mail messages and folders (Of course, I knew that & and I had backup somethings, but, not my e-mail saved folders - I don't know how). I told them there had to be a better solution and the tech said I could find a local tech and get my hard drive backup at my expense. Then call them back. I do have a Dell warranty. So, I was just curious as to your opinion on what they told me and any suggestions. And, do you really think the Quick Books I downloaded did the dirty deed? I am now communicating through my laptop and wireless. Thanks for your time, By the way, I got W7 and do NOT want W10 !!! Di Anne Dear Di Anne I have never heard of QuickBooks causing a problem. The bozo lied to you. Just get a $15-$35 3.5" IDE USB2 hard drive enclosure. Check Pricegrabber.com for a source near you or buy it on-line. Then set the jumper on your old drive as slave drive, put your old drive into that enclosure and plug the cable into your laptop. Even if the old drive doesn't boot, it will still have the data. Copy anything worth keeping onto the laptop. You'll have to contact Incredimail support to find out how to find and back up the mail. I have never used that program and am not familiar with it. However, with a bit of searching, I am sure you will be able to find your Incredimail data. Check and see if the old drive is too full, and do some weeding out. You should have at least 4 times the RAM space free. If the desktop has 4 GB of RAM, keep at least 16 GB drive space free. If you have DisKeeper, defragment the old drive. Don't waste time with the Windows defrag. If necessary, get DisKeeper from the left side of the HumorLetter or from http://webby.com/diskeeper a> . Then re-set the jumper to the master position and put the old drive back into the desktop machine. Try if it works. If not, call DELL and let them step you through whatever procedure they had in mind. Quite possibly that procedure is to first try re-installing Windows from the hidden factory re-install parrtition, and if that does not work, to format the drive and then installing Windows. With local help, avoid Staples. They will charge you about as much as a new computer costs, then ship your machine to Turkmenistan or soemwehre thereabouts, where they will take out your hard drive and sell it to somebody there, and put a brand new drive with W10 factory pre-installed into your machine. They MIGHT put some of your data and programs onto the W10 drive, but whether that stuff will work on W10 is your problem. Try to avoid that. Have FUN! DearWebby From Lynn: Dear Webby, could you please run that Toddler's Diet joke again? Thanks, Lynn Sure. Here it is: THE TODDLER DIET You folks with toddlers should relate to this one! Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward. Good luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon. DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend. "Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90." ------------- I will be 90 ! ____________________________________________ In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?" The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIG trouble!" The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?" His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it." ____________________________________________ Esther and Sally, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Esther says," Sally, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sally agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison." "You're kidding! What for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her." "What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her." "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell off a building." "Oh my," says Sally. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Esther, he's single." ____________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today, April 6 in 1199 English King Richard I was killed by an arrow at the siege of the castle of Chaluz in France. 1607 An expedition led by Captain Christopher Newport arrived at the Spanish colony of Puerto Rico for supplies before continuing on their journey. On May 14, they went ashore and founded Jamestown, Virginia, as the first permanent English colony in America. 1652 Jan van Riebeeck established a settlement at Cape Town, South Africa. 1814 Granted sovereignty in the island of Elba and a pension from the French government, Napoleon Bonaparte abdicates at Fountainebleau. He was allowed to keep the title of emperor. 1830 Joseph Smith and five others organized the Mormon Church in western New York. 1830 Relations between the Texans and Mexico reached a new low when Mexico would not allow further emigration into Texas by settlers from the U.S. 1862 The American Civil War Battle of Shiloh began in Tennessee. 1865 At the Battle of Sayler's Creek, a third of Lee's army was cut off by Union troops pursuing him to Appomattox. 1875 Alexander Graham Bell was granted a patent for the multiple telegraph, which sent two signals at the same time. 1896 The first modern Olympic Games began in Athens, Greece. 1903 French Army Nationalists were revealed for forging documents to guarantee a conviction for Alfred Dryfus. 1909 Americans Robert Peary and Matthew Henson claimed to be the first men to reach the North Pole. 1916 Charlie Chaplin became the highest-paid film star in the world when he signed a contract with Mutual Film Corporation for $675,000 a year. He was 26 years old. 1917 The U.S. Congress approved a declaration of war on Germany and entered World War I on the Allied side. 1924 Four planes left Seattle on the first successful flight around the world. 1927 William P. MacCracken, Jr. earned license number 1 when the Department of Commerce issued the first aviators license. 1931 "Little Orphan Annie" debuted on the NBC Blue network. 1938 The United States recognized the German conquest of Austria. 1941 German forces invaded Greece and Yugoslavia. 1953 Iranian Premier Mossadegh demanded that the shah's power be reduced. 1957 Trolley cars in New York City completed their final runs. 1965 U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson authorized the use of ground troops in combat operations in Vietnam. 1967 In South Vietnam, 1,500 Viet Cong attacked Quangtri and freed 200 prisoners. 1981 A Yugoslav Communist Party official confirmed reports of intense ethnic riots in Kosovo. 1983 The U.S. Veteran's Administration announced it would give free medical care for conditions traceable to radiation exposure to more than 220,000 veterans who participated in nuclear tests from 1945 to 1962. 1985 William J. Schroeder became the first artificial heart recipient to be discharged from the hospital. 1987 Dennis Levine began a two-year jail term for insider trading. 1988 Mathew Henson was awarded honors in Arlington National Cemetery. Henson had discovered the North Pole with Robert Peary. 1998 Federal researchers in the U.S. announced that daily tamoxifen pills could cut breast cancer risk among high-risk women. 1998 Pakistan successfully tested medium-range missiles capable of attacking neighboring India. 2021 Do smiled. |
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