Good Morning, Do, Today is Sunday, May 14 Thank you William! Happy Mothers Day! Have FUN! DearWebby Todays Bonehead Award: North Carolina school district recalls yearbooks over president's quote. Details at Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, May 14 in 1264 King Henry III was captured by his brother in law Simon deMontfort at the Battle of Lewes in France. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. --- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. --- Marquis de la Grange Most people don't want advice. They want agreement with their preconceived notions. --- Socratex ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Roland for this story: A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me." "I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. "Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred." The officer walked away in tears, laughing. _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Dianne for bringing back this classic. It used to be very popular when part of Hongkong moved to BC and turned Vancouver into Hongkoofa. I had a bunch of US dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line......just one guy in front of me.... He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated....he asked the teller.... "Why it change? "Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?" The teller says, "Fluctuations." The Asian guy screamed, "Fluc you white guys too!" ______________________________________________________ Yunnan in China _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Tonya Waddell, Richmond Early College High School Hamlet, North Carolina North Carolina school district recalls yearbooks over president's quote A North Carolina high school recalled its yearbooks after the hysterically fanatic Hillarite principal Tonya Waddell saw a senior's quote which read "Build that wall" President Donald Trump The hysterical Hillarite objected to seeing a quote by the elected president and recalled the year books. Only quotes by Hillary are allowed. They will use taxpayer money to refund for all the books. The school district said on Facebook Tuesday. "The principal immediately collected the distributed yearbooks." Free speech is definitely NOT allowed. And they bitch about North Korea! ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Anna Re: RansomWare Dear Webby What's the real story about all this WanaCrypt0r, that the media can't stop blathering about? I got W7, updated, and MalwareBytes PRO lifetime as you suggested years ago. I also have MailWasher, just for my private enjoyment. Sure is fun to see how it makes the spam fly to hell, UNREAD, just showing in the pie chart. Do I have to worry about that Ransomware? Keep up the good work! Anna Dear Anna No, you don't have to worry about it. MalwareBytes PRO protects you. The free version apparently might not protect against it, but you are covered. Having Windows updated is also quite necessary these days. Don't worry, they finished with messing with the user interface in W7 and are just doing security fixes nowadays. Anybody, who signed up for the free 2019 update deal for industrial / commercial XP users when I wrote about it 3-4 years ago, is also covered. Those, who were too lazy or not smart enough, like the British National Health Servive or some European car manufacturing plants, well, they are up shit creek without a paddle now. With a virus, that spreads laterally across networks, not point to point, the unprotected British National Health Service was a high speed conveyor belt going in all directions. I imagine somebody might get frowned at. Have FUN! DearWebby One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. The river was deep and swift; he could not retrieve his axe, and he was too poor to buy a new one. Knowing that he was doomed to poverty and starvation, he began to weep. As he sobbed, God appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter told Him about his lost axe. God went down into the water and reappeared with a wonderful golden axe. "Is this your axe?" God asked. The woodcutter said, "No." God again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" God asked. The woodcutter said, "No." God went down again and came up with the woodcutter's old iron axe. "Is this your axe?" God asked. The woodcutter said, "Yes." God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happily. One day the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank and his wife fell into the river and was swept away. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "My wife has fallen into water." God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" God asked. "Yes," the woodcutter said. God was furious. "Once you were an honest man - but now you have become a liar and a cheat!!" The man quickly said, "Forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. If I say 'No' to Jennifer Lopez, you will come up with Catherine Zeta Jones. If I also say 'No' to her, you will finally come up with my wife, and I will say 'Yes.' Then you will give all the three to me! I am a poor man. I will not be able to look after all the three. So, that's why I had to say 'Yes!' " | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Peeling Hard Boiled Eggs By Jean Genie [59 Posts, 857 Comments] I just cut a piece of shell, then insert the spoon and essentially 'spoon' the egg. By which I mean that I make the spoon come between the egg and the shell. In this way, the shell effortlessly separates from the cooked white. Even if it decides to splinter and stick, the act of making the spoon scrape against the shell makes the problem entirely disappear. I actually do something similar with avocados. I think they gave me the idea. Source: My own experience ____________________________________________________ A priest and pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road pounding a sign into the ground that reads: "The End Is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled a driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should maybe just say 'Bridge Out'?" ___________________________________________________ | | Game of Thrones sculptures carved onto the tips of pencils. |
"Information. Can I help you?" "I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please." "One moment, please." Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guilt." "No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild." "I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guilt." "Not *Theodore*! *Theater*! The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!" "That, *sir*, is NOT the way we spell Theodore." | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes." The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?" "I push them away!" "I see. And what can I do to help you with this?" The patient implored, "Please, please,... Break my arms!" ____________________________________________________ | Today, on May 14 1264 King Henry III was captured by his brother in law Simon deMontfort at the Battle of Lewes in France. 1509 In the Battle of Agnadello, French defeated Venitians in Northern Italy. 1607 An expedition led by Captain Christopher Newport went ashore at Jamestown, Virginia. The group had arrived at the location the day before. This became the first permanent English colony in America. 1610 French King Henri IV (Henri de Navarre) was assassinated by a fanatical monk, Franois Ravillac. 1643 Louis XIV became King of France at age 4 upon the death of his father, Louis XIII. 1787 Delegates began gathering in Philadelphia for a convention to draw up the U.S. Constitution. 1796 The first smallpox vaccination was given by Edward Jenner. 1804 William Clark set off the famous expedition from Camp Dubois. A few days later, in St. Louis, Meriwether Lewis joined the group. The group was known as the "Corps of Discovery." 1811 Paraguay gained independence from Spain. 1853 Gail Borden applied for a patent for condensed milk. 1862 The chronograph was patented by Adolphe Nicole. 1878 The name Vaseline was registered by Robert A. Chesebrough. 1879 Thomas Edison incorporated the Edison Telephone Company of Europe. 1897 Guglielmo Marconi made the first communication by wireless telegraph. 1913 The Rockefeller Foundation was created by John D. Rockefeller with a gift of $100,000,000. 1935 The Philippines ratified an independence agreement. 1940 The Netherlands surrendered to Nazi Germany. 1942 The Women's Auxiliary Army Corps (WAAC) was established by an act of the U.S. Congress. 1942 The British, while retreating from Burma, reached India. 1948 Prime Minister David Ben-Gurion proclaimed the independent State of Israel as British rule in Palestine came to an end. 1955 The Warsaw Pact, an Eastern European mutual-defense treaty, was signed in Poland by eight communist bloc countries including the Soviet Union. 1961 A bus carrying Freedom Riders was bombed and burned in Alabama. 1973 Skylab One was launched into orbit around Earth as the first U.S. manned space station. 1975 U.S. forces raided the Cambodian island of Koh Tang and recaptured the American merchant ship Mayaguez. All 40 crew members were released safely by Cambodia. About 40 U.S. servicemen were killed in the military operation. 1985 Ray Kroc's first McDonald's restaurant became the first fast-food business museum. It is located in Des Plaines, Illinois. 1988 In the Andean village of Cayara, Peru's military was involved in a massacre of at least 26 peasants. 1992 Former Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev addressed members of the U.S. Congress, appealing to them to pass a bill to aid the people of the former Soviet Union. 1996 A tornado hit 80 villages in nothern Bangladesh. More than 440 people were killed. 1999 North Korea returned the remains of six U.S. soldiers that had been killed during the Korean War. 2017 Do smiled. |
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