| Good Morning, Do! Thank You, Rick!! Today is Thursday, May 25 ____________________________________________________ History: Today, May 25 in 2001, Erik Weihenmayer, 32, of Golden, CO, became the first blind climber to reach the summit of Mount Everest. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead U-Haul driver identified, charged after crashing truck into barriers near White House _____________________________________________________ Q You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in. --- Arlo Guthrie (1947 - ) Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. --- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956) ______________________________________________________ A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious about things in general and started asking all sorts of questions. He asked his father, "Why does the boat float? The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father replied, "Of course not, if you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'." _____________________________________________________ Oil Change Instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since last oil change. > > > 2) Drink a cup of coffee or read through magazine 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00. ------------------------------------------------------------ ------- Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Go to auto parts store and pay $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. 2) Discover that the used oil container is full so instead of taking it back to auto store to recycle, dump in hole in neighbor's flower bed. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. Jack car up. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: Gets hot oil on you in process. 12) Clean up mess. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Look for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off. 16) Have a Beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in Mrs beasly's flower bed, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. 30) Drink beer. 31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands. 43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 48) Car gets impounded. 49) Make bail. 50) Get car from impound yard. --Money Spent Parts $50.00 Beer $25.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Total $4150.00 But, BY GOD, you know the job was done right! ______________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and the junior one by 10 years said to the elder on his birthday; "How do you feel now that it's your 95th birthday... I mean... How do you really feel? You're 95 years old today... how do you honestly feel?" "Honestly, you say? You really want to know? I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, can't walk, and I just wet myself." _____________________________________________________ A man went to the Underwear Company for his 3rd interview. The manager says, "If you can answer these 3 questions right, the job is yours!" "We package our underwear in 5 packs, 7 packs and 12 packs......why?" The man thinks for a moment and replies, "The 5 packs are for french women, they dont wear underwear on the weekend! The 7 packs are for american women, they change their underwear everyday! And the 12 packs are for men! They only change their underwear once a month!!" ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Rock Sai Varshith Kandula, 19, hesterfield, Missouri., USA U-Haul driver identified, charged after crashing truck into barriers near White House The 19-year-old suspect arrested for driving into a security barrier not far from the White House will appear in D.C. Federal Court Wednesday as court documents shed more light on why investigators believe his actions were intentional. According to court documents just released, a U.S. Secret Service investigator says 19-year-old Sai Kandula stated his goal was to "get to the White House, seize power, and be put in charge of the nation," and that when asked how he would do so the 19-year-old allegedly made comments he would kill the president if he had to or hurt anyone in his way. investigators did not find any explosives in the U-Haul he used no weapons or ammunition either. Varshith Kandula graduated from Marquette High School early in January 2022. He appeared in court Tuesday with a slim build, a little longer hair, and beard. He looked around and told the judge a few times that he understands. 19yo Sai Kandula was held w/out bond by a D.C. Superior Court judge today. Hes expected to appear at the federal courthouse tomorrow. Court documents revealed the suspect made comments very sympathetic to Nazis, allegedly calling Hitler a strong leader. He also claimed he wanted to get his "book" in front of the people who needed to see it. The green book is where investigators discovered Kandula's plans for how he would enter the White House and what hed do there. ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Jim RE: PDF printing after editing Dear Webby, I am puzzled.?? I use the free Adobe Reader and can print the PDF directly.?? Why can't she? Jim Dear Jim I think she wants to paste her signature onto forms. Before I got Nitro many years ago, I used to do that too. When it is in JPG format, pasting a signature before printing is child's play. And so is pasting checkmarks and x's Nowadays I just use Open Office. In their WRITE app, editing PDF is as simple as editing any old text file. Tax forms are a breeze. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride. _____________________________________________ Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. ____________________________________________ It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign." ___________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Dang that's hot!" See! If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him before we took that drive! _________________________________________________ One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a coat hangar halfway thru the top of my window, a guy walks up and says," Lock yer keys in the car?" Without missin a beat I said, "Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry."...Here's your sign. ____________________________________________________ Today, May 25 in 585 BC, The first known prediction of a solar eclipse was made in Greece. 1085, Alfonso VI took Toledo, Spain from the Moslems. 1787, The Constitutional convention opened in Philadelphia with George Washington presiding. 1810, Argentina declared independence from Napoleonic Spain. 1844, The gasoline engine was patented by Stuart Perry. It had been in use a few years in Europe, but had never been patennted. 1844, The first telegraphed news dispatch, sent from Washington, DC, to Baltimore, MD, appeared in the Baltimore "Patriot." 1895, Oscar Wilde, a playwright, poet and novelist, was convicted of a morals charge and sentenced to prison in London. 1895, James P. Lee first published "Gold in America,- A Practical Manual." 1911, President of Mexico, Porfolio Diaz, resigned his office. 1925, John Scopes was indicted for teaching the Darwinian theory in school. 1927, Ford Motor Company announced that the Model A would replace the Model T. 1927, The "Movietone News" was shown for the first time at the Sam Harris Theatre in New York City. 1935, Babe Ruth hit his final homerun, his 714th, and set a record that would stand for 39 years. 1935, Jesse Owens tied the world record for the 100-yard dash. He ran it in 9.4 seconds. He also broke three other world track records. 1946, Jordan gained independence from Britain. 1953, In Nevada, the first atomic cannon was fired. 1961, America was asked by U.S. President Kennedy to work toward putting a man on the moon before the end of the decade. 1963, The Organization of African Unity was founded, in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. 1968, The Gateway Arch, part of the Jefferson National Expansion Memorial in St. Louis, MO, was dedicated. 1970, Boeing Computer Services was founded. 1977, "Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope" opened and became the largest grossing film to date. 1977, An opinion piece by Vietnam verteran Jan Scruggs appeared in "The Washington Post." The article called for a national memorial to "remind an ungrateful nation of what it has done to its sons" that had served in the Vietnam War. 1979, An American Airlines DC-10 crashed during takeoff at Chicago's O'Hare International Airport. 275 people were killed. 1981, Daredevil Daniel Goodwin scaled Chicago's Sears Tower, while wearing a "Spiderman" costume, in 7 1/2 hours. 1983, "The Return of the Jedi" opened nationwide. It set a new record in opening day box office sales. The gross was $6,219,629. 1985, Bangladesh was hit with a hurricane and tidal wave that killed more than 11,000 people. 1986, Approximately 7 million Americans participated in "Hands Across America." 1989, The Calgary Flames won their first NHL Stanley Cup by defeating the Montreal Canadiens. 1992, Jay Leno debuted as the new permanent host of NBC's "Tonight Show." 1996, In Nimes, France, Christina Sanchez became the first woman to achieve the rank of matadore in Europe. 1997, In Sierra Leone a military coup overthrew the popularly elected President Ahmad Tejan Kabbah. He was replaced with Major Johnny Paul Koromah. 1997, U.S. Senator Strom Thurmond became the longest-serving senator in U.S. history (41 years and 10 months). 1997, Poland adopted a constitution that removed all traces of communism. 1999, A report by the U.S. House of Representatives Select Committee on U.S. National Security and Military/Commercial Concerns with the People's Republic of China concluded that China had "stolen design information on the U.S. most- advanced thermonuclear weapons" and that China's penetration of U.S. weapons laboratories "spans at least the past several decades and almost certainly continues today." 2000, The Walt Disney Co. and Time Warner Inc. signed a long-term deal that ended a dispute over the airing policies of Time Warner. Time Warner had blacked out Disney programs for a 39 hour period the previous month due to the lack of an agreement. 2001, Erik Weihenmayer, 32, of Golden, CO, became the first blind climber to reach the summit of Mount Everest. 2001, Sherman Bull, 64, of New Canaan, CT, became the oldest climber to reach the summit of Mount Everest. 2006, In Houston, former Enron Corp. chiefs Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skillinng were convicted of conspiracy and fraud for the downfall of Enron. 2008, NASA's Phoenix Mars Lander landed in the arctic plains of Mars. 2009, North Korea announced that it had conducted a second successful nuclear test in the province of North Hamgyong. The United Nations Security Council condemned the reported test. 2023, Do smiled.
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