Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, January 14 Today's Bonehead Award: Fake pastor carrying drug-filled Bible visited jail. Got to stay. ______________________________________________________ Today, January 14 in 1784 The United States ratified a peace treaty with England ending the Revolutionary War. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. --- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this keen insight: There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and After marriage. ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the express lane check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?' _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Maybe this is why they don't teach music in high school any more. Following are actual answers from students on music tests. - The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. - Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. - Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. - All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know ex- actly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. - Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue. - Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. - A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. - Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. - Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. - I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say. - Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical com- positions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. - Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti. ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by James A. Morman III, 28, Laurinburg, N.C Fake pastor carrying drug-filled Bible visited jail. Got to stay. Authorities say a man posing as a pastor tried to smuggle drugs into a North Carolina jail by hiding them in a Bible. News outlets cite a Facebook post from the Scotland County Detective Division that says 28-year-old James A. Morman III visited the Scotland County jail on Dec. 31 in the guise of a minister. A search of the Bible he toted revealed Suboxone strips inside. Authorities then conducted a sweep of the entire detention facility, and a number of illegal substances and contraband were located. It's unclear whether Morman had visited the jail before with other drug-filled Bibles. Morman and jail inmate Bryson Brown have been charged in connection with the operation. Authorities say additional charges are expected. While my brother was stationed overseas, his wife wrote to him daily. For an added touch, she'd always scribble little abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelope. One day my brother received a letter with the familiar "SWL" (sealed with love) message on the envelope. He noticed that the letter was sealed with tape and chuckled when he read this notation written by a postal employee: "Love didn't stick--resealed in Seattle." From: William Re: Page Hijacker Dear DearWebby, I have problem with an exe file. When I attempt to go to a website off of Google , it directs me to a porn site. How do I rid myself of this executable? I've tried to remove it but it says that it is in use. Thanks William Dear William Your machine is infected with malware, a hijacker. Possibly you agreed to it in the small print of something you installed. Once you have agreed to it, as a form of payment for something you received. Spybot is not legally allowed to remove it. The courts consider it a negotiated and agreed form of payment, owed to the company from whom you got something or other. There are probably some guerilla methods for getting rid of that page hijacker, but without knowing the name of it, it is impossible to guess which one you sold your soul to. There are way too many page hijackers floating around. Try MalwareBytes. Even the free trial will probably clean up your machine quite nicely. In the meantime, use the Chinese Maxthon browser. It resists a lot of the hijackers. Also keep in mind that if you use Ad Blockers, some sites retaliate and send you off to unexpected sites. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A high school teacher arrived late for class to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard. Fuming, he asked the class, "Who is responsible for this atrocity?!" The class clown won tremendous prestige among his peers by answering, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect his parents." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
It was nearly 7 o'clock when an employee walked into a restaurant after working overtime for a demanding and demeaning supervisor. As he was being led to his table, he noticed his supervisor at another table arguing with the waiter about his order. Finally, the waiter turned and headed toward the bar. As he was returning to the supervisor's table with a drink, the employee stopped him saying, "Here's $20.00 in it if you will spit in that drink." With a somewhat puzzled look, the waiter replied, "Again?" ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Use ATMs During The Day Limit your risk of being robbed by avoiding ATM or cash machines at night. If you have to use an ATM at night, find one in a well lit, well traveled area. People walking away from an ATM are particularly vulnerable because criminals know that they have cash. Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ | | The Life and Times of Brighty, the Grand Canyon's Most Legendary Burro |
___________________________________________________ Against his better judgment, the big game hunter is talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions. It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe. One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search. He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling. Soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion. The wife whispers urgently, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing whatever," responds her husband. "Lions are pretty tough. The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it." ___________________________________________________ Jim was just falling off to sleep when his wife nudged him and said the telephone was ringing. At this hour it was probably for him, she said, closing her eyes. Jim rolled out of bed and trundled downstairs. When he returned, his wife was asleep. He woke her. "Wasn't for me, after all," he said. She crawled out of bed and pulled on a robe. Then he added, "It was a wrong number." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!" ___________________________________________________ | Today January 14 in 1784 The United States ratified a peace treaty with England ending the Revolutionary War. 1873 John Hyatt's 1869 invention 'Celluloid' was registered as a trademark. 1878 Alexander Graham Bell demonstrated the telephone for Britain's Queen Victoria. 1882 The Myopia Hunt Club, in Winchester, MA, became the first country club in the United States. 1907 An earthquake killed over 1,000 people in Kingston, Jamaica. 1943 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt became the first U.S. President to fly in an airplane while in office. He flew from Miami, FL, to French Morocco where he met with British Prime Minister Winston Churchill to discuss World War II. 1953 Josip Broz Tito was elected president of Yugoslavia by the country's Parliament. 1954 Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio were married. The marriage only lasted nine months. 1954 The Hudson Motor Car Company merged with Nash-Kelvinator. The new company was called the American Motors Corporation. 1969 An explosion aboard the U.S. aircraft carrier Enterprise off Hawaii killed 25 crew members. 1985 Martina Navratilova won her 100th tournament. She joined Jimmy Connors and Chris Evert Lloyd as the only professional tennis players to win 100 tournaments. 1986 "Rambo: First Blood, Part II" arrived at video stores. It broke the record set by "Ghostbusters", for first day orders. 435,000 copies of the video were sold. 1994 U.S. President Clinton and Russian President Boris Yeltsin signed Kremlin accords to stop aiming missiles at any nation and to dismantle the nuclear arsenal of Ukraine. 1996 Jorge Sampaio was elected president of Portugal. 1996 Juan Garcia Abrego was arrested by Mexican agents. The alleged drug lord was handed over to the FBI the next day. 1998 Whitewater prosecutors questioned Hillary Rodham Clinton at the White House for 10 minutes about the gathering of FBI background files on past Republican political appointees. 1998 In Dallas, researchers report an enzyme that slows the aging process and cell death. 1999 The impeachment trial of U.S. President Clinton began in Washington, DC. 1999 The U.S. proposed the lifting of the U.N. ceilings on the sale of oil in Iraq. The restriction being that the money be used to buy medicine and food for the Iraqi people. 2000 A U.N. tribunal sentenced five Bosnian Croats to up to 25 years for the 1993 massacre of over 100 Muslims in a Bosnian village. 2004 In St. Louis, a Lewis and Clark Exhibition opened at the Missouri History Museum. The exhibit featured 500 rare and priceless objects used by the Corps of Discovery. 2005 A probe, from the Cassini-Huygens mission, sent back pictures during and after landing on Saturn's moon Titan. The mission was launched on October 15, 1997. 2018 Do smiled. |
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